I’m a weirdo and I know it. Now. I did not know it for the first thirty years of my life or so. Or rather, I knew I was different than most people, but I thought it was just one standard deviation from the norm. I didn’t realize until much later that I was several deviations apart from ‘regular’ people, and I really wish I had been aware of it earlier in my life.
It’s difficult, though, because we are all our own standard. It’s not surprising that people think of themselves as normal as they have never lived in any one else’s skin. And the more in the norm you are, the less reason you have to question anything. So it stands to reason that white straight dudes think they’re the expert in everything because they have never been put in the position of being the minority–in any way.
Side Note: I find that many gay white dudes still feel this way because they think of their sexuality of who they are. Or rather, the other ways in which they are in the majority are enough to buffer them from the negativities of being gay. If they are cis, middle-class, college-educated, etc., then they aren’t necessary more illuminated about issues other than queer issues. And even then, it’s more specifically gay issues rather than the umbrella of queer.
Side Note to the Side Note: It’s why intersectionality is so difficult and frustrating. Just because someone experiences discrimination in one area, it doesn’t mean they’re sympathetic to discrimination in another area. Hell, it doesn’t even mean they’re sympathetic to others in their same group (that is being discriminated against). There are plenty of stories of women who made their way up the ladder only to yank it up after they made it to the top. It’s the old “I went through hell to get here and you should, too”. It’s internalized whatever-ism, and it’s really sad to see.
It’s surprisingly easy to fool yourself or trick yourself into believing that everyone else is wrong and you’re right. I’m the opposite in that I usually assume I’m wrong because I’m always in the minority. There’s very few things in which I am in agreement with society. I am single, queer, genderqueer, Asian, agnostic, childfree, and I don’t like most of popular culture–especially movies and TV shows. I prefer to spend my time alone rather than with someone else. I have no desire for a monogamous long-term relationship. I’m always going to root for the underdog.
I learned at a young age to keep most of my opinions to myself or to state them in a way that greatly understated what I wanted to say. I have mentioned several times when my last therapist pointed out to me that I was talking on a level 5 whereas other people were at a level 2. They literally could not understand what I was saying. That remains the best insight I’ve gotten from therapy, by the way. It stopped me from thinking I was the crazy one and that if I could just explain myself better, I could make someone understand.
I surround myself with smart and emotionally savvy people because I need that to nourish me. I can talk to almost anyone with ease. That’s never been a problem for me, but to be brutally honest, I don’t get much out of it if I’m constantly tamping myself down. I’m not talking about superficial encounters because, well, those are supposed to be superficial. But if I’m trying to have a meaningful conversation with someone, then I need them to be at a certain level in order for it to be enjoyable for me.
This is not something I am comfortable saying out loud because it sounds insufferable, especially in these days where it’s fashionable to decry intelligence as being an asset. By the way, when did that happen? I agree it’s not everything and that it can be a hinderance in some ways, but to hear it these days, there’s no benefit to being smart. It’s like college. It’s become fashionable to pooh-pooh college while simultaneously acknowledging that it’s the baseline for most white collar jobs. Very bemusing to me.
Anyway. I know I sound like a snot, but I don’t think it’d be better if I pretended it wasn’t true.
Side Note II (or III): I think people should date who they want to date. I’ve heard the argument that if you don’t date, say Asian people, it’s racist. Yeah, it is, but so what? I don’t want someone dating me because they feel guilty about their racism. How is that good for me. There were white women back in the aughts who thought they *should* date women of color and believe me, it did not make me feel desirable to be someone else’s self-improvement project. It’s almost as icky as white dudes who wanted to date me because I was exotic (and expected me to be subservient to them. Ha!).
I bring this up because I could not date someone who was not intelligent–and I’m not saying necessarily book smarts, though I would include that on the list. But an emotional intelligence is a must as well as the capacity for empathy. And both to a level that is not considered normal. My brother of all people told me I had a gift in this area. Now, I knew that I had an ability, but I wouldn’t have gone as far as to say it was a gift.
Because it’s just who I am. It’s what I do. At a steep cost, yes, but it’s part of me. I wasn’t able to control it when I was in my twenties, which made me depressed and passively suicidal. I had so much emotions coming at me from others, it was excruciating. Learning to put up a shield helped, but it’s still tiring to be around people for any length of time. There are a few people who are the exception, but not many.
This is one reason that I prefer to spend my time alone. There’s this debate over introverts versus extroverts, but that’s not why I shun people. Yes, I’m an introvert in general, but the reason for it is different than most introverts. Yes, it’s draining to be around others, but not for the usual reason. And again, I know how terrible that sounds, but I don’t think it’s any better to pretend it’s not true. This is who I am. If I ever want to expand my current circle of friends and/or try dating, it’s best to be upfront about it.