I know that I’m charismatic and that people are drawn to me. Not everyone. I’m not for people who are pragmatic and non-emotional. Except my brother, and that’s partly because I can explain people to him. But for others who have no need of this, I can probably appear to be pure emotions. That must be frustrating for people who are doers, but maybe not because I get shit done as well.
I mentioned before that when I started participating in the RKG Discord, there were people who were really happy to see me. like REALLY happy. One said that he had been looking for me ever since he signed up (which he did during a Krupa stream–and we helped him do it). Another said that he remembered my name from the chats and was glad to see me.
Several others were very warm in welcoming me, and I’ve dived straight in. I mostly hang out in the Producers chat (tier level on Patreon) and the chat for Krupa’s plat, but I dip into other chats, too. I’m extremely adept at talking to people, in part because I can tailor my messages to the person.
I know it’s partly because I’m female-presenting in a male-dominated world, too, but its’ not as if I have a pic of me in Discord. I also don’t think they know that I’m old, but not sure how much that would even matter. It was funny because the lads were talking about dating older women once. Gav and Krupa both have, but Rory hasn’t. He said he was open to it, but it just hadn’t ever happened. Gav and Krupa were both enthused about it.
I’m not looking to date anyone in the RKG group, but I do wonder how they view me at times. When I was in college, my boyfriend told me that all my male friends were trying to get into my pants. I didn’t think that was true, especially as I had gay male friends, but I couldn’t deny that some of them wanted to. And perhaps a few of my female friends as well. I don’t think it’s a problem, though, because we can choose to act on it or not.
As someone who’s attracted to people of all different genders, it would be cruel to tell me I could not be friends with people of the genders I’m attracted to. This would mean I could not be friends with anyone, which is a sad state of affairs. Also, you can be attracted to someone and not act on it! I know that sounds wild, but it’s totally true! I have had crushes on many of my friends and our friendship has weathered that crush. And I’ve had friends who’ve had a crush on me and gotten past it.
I do know that I could coax people into a sexual relationship with me, which is why I need to watch it carefully. I don’t believe in the concept of leading someone on, exactly, but when I’m sparkling, everyone wants to sparkle with me.
And , again, I can use that to my advantage in doing videos. I mean, the whole purpose is to get the clicks. I just balk at the idea because it seems manipulative. Which it is, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad. It’s the same with networking. It’s manipulative, but not inherently icky. It’s definitely a privilege to know people in high places, but that doesn’t matter if you can’t actually do the job.
Yes, I got the chance to write at PCGN because Ian works there, but I had to do the actual writing–which I knew I could do. I don’t have a problem how I get my foot in the door as long as I’m able to dance once I’m in.
So, yeah. I don’t mind using a bit of charisma to draw viewers in because I know I can deliver the goods. I’m not going to do tits-and-ass because that’s not the vibe I want to put out, but I’m not going to hide my assets, either. I’ve been putting my light under a bushel for quite some time. Ever since my medical trauma, I’ve decided, “Fuck that shit.”
There’s a Poirot quote that may or may not be real, but I’m going to recite it as I remember it. I think it’s from Death in the Clouds, but, again, this is from memory. Poirot is bragging about himself as usual and Captain Hastings is dying of embarrassment, also as usual. This is one of the tropes of the series–the difference in the cultures of Poirot (Belgian) and Hastings (English). Poirot is flamboyant and Hastings is reserved. Poirot stops in the middle of his bragging and says to Hastings, “Hastings, if I met someone else with my abilities, I would admire him for them. Why should I do any differently because it’s me?”
He’s right. If there’s something about me that I would admire in someone else, why would I not be proud of it in myself? Maybe not go as far as to brag loudly about it to anyone who’ll listen, but why not at least acknowledge it to myself? Some in the RKG Discord just told m e that they were so happy I had joined in the convos. I know that I ama good conversationalist, so why not use it for good?
I’ve talked about how I’m very comfortable with my shadow side. I can rattle off a dozen things that are wrong with me, without even breaking a sweat. Before my medical trauma, I would have had a much harder time listing the positives. I know some of them, but it’s been drilled in my head not to say anything nice about myself (Taiwanese background). Now, I’ll tell you at the drop of the hat what I like about myself.
I don’t want to be arrogant. I find that off-putting in others, so I most certainly don’t want to display it myself. On the other hand, I don’t want to drag myself. I don’t like when people do that, either. I really like quiet confidence. And I like myself better now that I’m not constantly putting myself down.
This is something I really wish I could spread to others, especially women. Embrace yourself and your body! You are fucking amazing just as you are. No, you’re not flawless. None of us are. We’re all humans, which means we all have negatives. But, and this is more important, it also means we all have positives. I want to tell them that they are beautiful, no matter what their weight. And not because I’m trying to pick them up.
I am so much more comfortable in my skin now than I was a year ago. These are my bonus days. Why would I want to waste them moaning about how terrible I am? I’ve had enough of that to last my lifetime.