Gender is a construct. The end.
Nah, I’m just funning. I mean, I’m not, but I am. But I’m not. But I am.
Got that?
That’s how my brain goes, by the way. It’s been that way for my whole life, but I’m better able to deal with it now. In part beacuse of Taiji; in part because of dying. I’m trying to get more comfortable with saying that out loud. I can type it with no problem, but it’s so awkward to actually say. It sounds like a humblebrag.
“Oh, I’ve died. Twice. Ain’t no biggie. You?”
Yeah, I know that’s not what I’m trying to say, but it’s such an outlier, that I don’t know how to talk about it like a normal person. (It doesn’t need to be said, but I’ll say it, anyway. Because it’s not normal to come back from death.)
The biggest thing dying has done (yes, twice) for me is made me see that things I’ve thought were important…really aren’t. Let me explain. I’ve always been an anarchist of thoughts. I don’t accept that jsut because ‘everyone’ believes/says something, it’s the gospel truth. In fact, I’m more inclined to disbelieve it because it’s unexamined. It’s just passed down from generation to generation without second thought.
I like to re-read letters on the Ask A Manager website. Sometimes, it’s a random letter (there’s a button you can click for a random post), and sometimes it’s one of the related suggested letters. There was one from a woman who worked for a CEO, a married man, who explicitly stated to her that he and his wife had rules that he would not have a closed meeting alone with a woman. This was post Me Too movement, just to give context.
Alison sensibly said that he could do that–if he were to have closed door meetings with men as well. The pushback on this from a very vocal minority was interesting (and frustrating. All this concern for the few men who suffer false allegations and none for people who actually are sexually harassed. The numbers for false accusations inclued women who drop their complaints because they’re just tired and those where there just isn’t enough evidence to bring the case to trial.
Anyway, there were also a few people who flat-out said that it wasn’t discrimination, but, uh, yes it is. Legally. So have fun with that! Then there were women who said that they wouldn’t be offended. Fine! You do you.
There were also a few bi/pan people who pointed out the ridiculousness if you apply it to everyone. If the point is that people who are attracted to each other (in terms of gender) can’t be trusted to act professionally, well, I can’t help you with that.
There were a few hardy souls who insisted that it was the worst thing in the world for a man (specifically) to be falsely accused of sexual harassment. Which, I find really hard to believe beacuse even men who have raped their employees have gotten away with it for decades without it affecting their careers. Until recently. But even then. Louis CK is doing just fine now, thank you. And what about women who report sexual harassment? Things usually don’t end up well for them.
Anyway! Back to gender. I have a mother who is very much into rigid and prescribed gender roles. She nagged at me all my life because I did not fit into what a real woman should be. She, herself, did not enjoy the traditionally feminine pursuits such as cooking and sewing, but she did them with grim determination. And she was not a good cook or sewer. She wasn’t bad, either, but it was clear that she did it out of obligation.
She wore makeup, yes, but it was very perfunctory. She rarely wore dresses as she was more comfortable in pants, but she only made me dresses when I was a kid. She loved sports and played tennis and softball when I was a kid. She also played piano, but I don’t know if she got any enjoyment out of it. Her mom was like that, too. Very much about girls are girls–except her. She was allowed to be in the senate (equivalent in Taiwan), but not other women. They’re supposed to be home and baby makers.
I never got the memo. Ever.
I spent most of my early years (kid through thirties) chafing under the label of woman. I wrote recently that it was like an ill-fitting coat in that it covered me, but it wasn’t comfortable. I think that’s the best comparison that I’ve made to being called a woman. It’s not wrong….but it’s not right, either.
But. And this is the crux. It’s not important to me. I’ve thought about my gender. I’ve overthought about it as is my wont. And, I just don’t care at this point. Or rather, I don’t care enough to make a fuss.
I’m tired of thinking about gender because it’s simply not important to me. I don’t have the energy to focus on it. To be clear, I am not taking about issues such as repro justice that disproportionately affect one gender (women) and other minorities over another, but just the idea of gender in general.
In one weekend thread, someone had a question about a single woman (her) being friends with a married man. Was it appropriate or not?
The answers really discouraged me. One, they assumed that they were meeting as a single woman and a married man–and that was strictly verboten. Or rather, they couldn’t be good friends. Acquaintances, yes, but not actually friends. Two, they assumed a dichotomy of man and woman. Three, it also assumed the norm of monogamy and possession of a spouse. There was a lot of ‘you have to be friends with both’ that really bothered me.
Not surprisingly, all the queer people were like, “This is some straight people nonsense”, but much more diplomatically. Many of us pointed out, too, that all the restrictive rules the others suggested meant those of us who were bi/pan/omni could not be friends with anyone. To which, a very sad woman went off on how she was the queen in her relationship and blah blah blah men from Mars, women from Venus. She said it wasn’t the same for bi people, but she was very fuzzy about why that was. She said something about societal norms being different, but we were raised in the same society!
She really stuck to me because it just made me feel so sorry for her. Like, her self-esteem was so fragile that she needed her man to constantly dance to her attendance. I mean, I felt more sorry for her husband, but that’s an awful way to live.
More to the point, I honestly don’t get it. I’m not being woke or smarter-than-thou. I don’t think about my gender at all. It’s like having children. I don’t think about that at all, either. Or getting married. Honestly, there are very few times when I need to do something as a woman. And, even if I did, what would that entail?
Again, I’m saying this sincerely (well, with a little bit of snark. If you want to say that being a woman is genitals, they don’t do anything without my permission. If you are not saying genitals, then what are you saying?). There is nothing I do with the thought that I am donig it as a woman. This includes how I interact with other people. I don’t act diffeerently with people of different genders–well, not because of gender.
I know gender is important to many people–if not most people. It just isn’t to me. And, after years of thinking about it, I’m done thinking about it. Or dealing with it. I’ve settled on agender for now, and that’s enough for me.