I wrote a post yesterday about gender rending. I want to continue on with that today. The reason I want to talk about it is because I kind of have the feeling this is like the kids things. What I mean is that I don’t have kids, I didn’t want kids, and I have never wanted to have kids. I never played mommy when I was a kid because it never occurred to me. I had no desire to do it. Just as I had no desire to play ‘getting married’.
Side note: I have heard that this is supposed to be a thing for young girls–planning your wedding, I mean. I never knew that as a kid because my brother and I were pretty isolated from American culture. We didn’t watch much TV and we certainly did not go to the movies.
Still, I somehow managed to know that I was supposed to get married and have children. My mother embodied all of this to her very being. She had my life planned for me from the beginning. I was supposed to excel at school, go to college, find a husband in church, then get married and have two children. I did the college thing, but I put my foot down on the marriage and kid thing, much to my mother’s deep dismay.
I did have a crush on a boy from the time I was in first grade until sixth grade, and then various boys (very heteronorm in those days because Idid not know better), but that was more about beingdesperately lonely and wanting to be loved. That was the only kind of love that I knew back then, and now, it’s so far down my list of things to seek out.
Back to my point. I don’t have an innate biological clock. I never have, and I doubt I ever will. When I was twenty, I was with a serious boyfriend. He said that if I got pregnant, he would want me to have an abortion, even though he thought that was murder (he was a Christian). Putting aside the problematic nature of that statement, it actually opened my eyes to something–I didn’t want children. This may sound strange in retrospect, but the elation I felt when I ealized that I didn’t want children was the best I’ve ever felt in my life. I’m not being hyperbolic here.
I did not want children. More to the point, I didn’t have to have them! No one could make me (ideally). I felt this so deep in my soul that as much as my mother tried to manipulate, guilt, bribe, and almost force me into having children, I stood strong. Still the best decision I ever made in my life.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but my mother’s full-court press to get me pregnant was the beginning of me questioning gender. Not mine, but the concept of gender. It wasn’t until I was fifty that I truly realized that gender, for me, was bullshit.
I would be fine calling myself a woman if I didn’t feel immediately restricted and constricted by it. I don’t mind (much) when other people call me she. I’m not thrilled about it, but I’m not going to correct people, either. It also matters that I think most people do it out of solidarity. It feels much differently when it’s done for that reason (in a positive way). Would I feel better if they didn’t call me she? Yes. But it’s not enough of an issue for me to actually say something about it.
I will admit that the fact that there is so much sexism wrapped up in being a woman is part of the reason that I don’t want to embrace the label. even with progressive women who are not fringe, there is still the expectation that you’ll wear makeup and shave your pits/legs. I’ve said before that Ask A Manager has a very good commentariat, but even there, the amount of women who implied or flat-out said that you need to shave your pits/legs, wear makeup, and, the one that surprised me the most, wear a bra. While claiming to be feminists.
Look. I don’t prescribe to the idea that you have to be anti-all that to be a feminist. But you at least have to understand doing all that is the norm and almost required in this society. Still. It’s the same with taking the husband’s last name and women quitting their jobs to take care of the children. It can make sense for each individual person/couple AND still be indicative of a patriarchal society.I don’t like that we’ve reached the point where if a woman does something, it’s a feminist action. That simply is not true and one way to make social change is to address that what can be beneficial to an individual can also still be deeply problematic on a societal level.
Then there’s still the belief that men and women can’t be friends or can only be friends in very limited circumstances. I have always dismissed that because of being bi. If I can’t be friends with anyone to whom I might be attracted, well, then I can’t be friends with anyone.
This is where I get weirded out as well. I have a best friend who is male and a best friend who is female. I love them both with all my heart. I have had a crush on both of them at different times and for different reasons. I could easily live with either of them, and I don’t say that lightly. My feelings for both of them are deeper than they’ve ever been for a lover/partner.
When K and I tallked about the ‘would you choose your best friend or partner’ thought-provoking question, she said she’s always hated that question because she loves me and her hubby equally (though in different ways). She could not imagine her life without either of us, and she refused to choose.
On a thread in the weekend Ask A Manager forum, someone asked if a single woman and a married man could be friends. Interestingly enough, everyone assumed that the single woman met the man after he married and answered within those parameters. They put a bunch of restrictions around the friendship, such as the womna should be friends with both the husband and the wife. No alone meetings and the such. Communication should be open to both partners.
I was quite frankly freaked out by all the stipulations. Like, the husband had to be kept on a leash. Oh, some people were also saying that the husband could not talk about his problems in the marriage with the woman friend. I mean, what? He can only talk about his issues in the marriage with men? Talk about reductive and sexist. Plus, very much based on monogamy and fear. The scarcity mentality.
Look. I’m not going to be holier-than-thou. I know affairs happen. I know that people cheat on their partners/spouses. I know that some friendships between people of genders who are attracted to each other can become affairs. That dosen’t mean that the answer is to treat all possible friendships as threats or to put heavy restrictions on the friendships.
I’m done for now because my internet is acting up again. More tomorrow.