When I was in my twenties, I started writing mysteries. I took a class from an author I really admired. We brought in our work and had it critiqued. She said that I could not have an ‘I’ protagonist and then have scenes without that protagonist. I asked why not. She said it just wasn’t done.
Fast-forward to three or four years later when it became all the rage in mystery novels. I was kicking myself for not beleiving in me, but she was so certain that it could not be done. That did not stop me from doing it, but I stopped talking about it in class.
It’s a small thing, but it’s indicative of the way my brain thinks. I didn’t undrestand why I could not do it, and nothing she said changed my mind. When people tell me I can’t do something, I always want to know why. If the reason doesn’t make sense to me, then I ignore it.
That’s how I am in general, by the way. When I was a teenager and going to a very restrictive, sexist, Evangelical Taiwanes church (under protest. The only thing I liked was going to a fast food restaurant afterwards. It was the only time we were allowed fast food). The youth pastor was a white guy who had no cultural sensitivity and what’s worse, no capability for independent thinking.
We were talking about dating in high school, and he disclosed that he had had a wild youth. He put it aside once he became a Christian, and he espoused not having sex before marriage. Which, fine. Whatever. That’s standard for Christianity. I don’t agree with it, but it’s to be expected.
Side note: When I thought about it more, it made no sense at all to me. It’s the same act whether you do it in marriage or outside of it. It’s not as if there was something magical about that piece of paper saying you were married. I realize that it’s a philosophical matter as to whether ‘marriage’ is a different state in and of itself, so much so that it can transform sex from ‘your soul will be eternally damned in hell’ to ‘angels approve and choirs sing’.
Side note to the side note: This is me and traditions, though. I don’t believe that they should be honored just because they’ve been around for so long. Or because a book says we should. (Yes, I’m channeling my inner Tim Minchin.) The idea that sex, which harms no one, is so bad, you will burn forever UNLESS you are yoked to the other person for life (and if you are female-appearing, you totally submit to him) is gross to me. And, of course, sexist.
Anyway, the youth pastor said that not only should we not have sex before marriage, but we should not kiss because kissing led to sex. This was before I had ever gone on a date, but even then, I knew he was ridiculous. There were many steps between kissing and sex, and you can stop at any point. It’s lazy moral reasoning to just say, “Don’t do any of it!”
Side note: I had an argument with my cousin at another cousin’s wedding about this. Also about why does it have to be the husband making all the decisions? My cousin (a man) said that if the husband truly loves his wife then he would make decisions that were to her benefit. I said, “If that’s true, then the reverse should be true as well. If the wife truly loves the husband, then she should be able to make all the decisions for the family because she loves him, right?” He looked super uncomfortable and said, “It’s traditional for the man to make the decisions.”
That right there is when I knew he was just repeating what he’d heard and hadn’t really thought about it. Plus, it benefited him, so why the hell wouldn’t he agree with it?
Where was I? Oh yeah. Hell no. I’m not going to do that shit. And by that shit, I mean accepting things without thinking about them for myself.
This is both an asset and a flaw, by the way. I’m not saying it’s just my secret superpower (though it is), it’s also my weakness. It means that I can’t be happy with the status quo or just thinking about things in the way other people do. I over-think things, and I struggle with talking about them on a level that they can understand.
Even something ‘shallow’ like video games can bring out complex issues in my mind. One thing I bang on and on about is gatekeeping in FromSoft games. I can see it from several different angles, and they are far beyond what most people consider. For instance, I rarely talk about ableism because that just gets blank stares (as, sadly, it often does).
I also have a hard time getting people who love the games (and are good at them) to understand that they are the exception and not the rule. Even people who try to be conscious and aware of diversity issues just can’t seem to get this.
Just because you find something easy, it doesn’t mean others will. It’s the second result of the Dunning-Kruger study as I have said several times. People who are good at something vastly underestimate how much better they are at it than the average person.
I want to invent a soulslike in which the player will press the buttons as they normally would…and nothing will happen for three seconds. Every time. And no matter how fast or quickly they press the button, the lag will remain. In other words, they can never actuallyl get the parry they are trying to attempt. Or the block. Or the basic attack.
This is what I experience when I play the games, and it’s frustrating as fuck to have my experiences invalidated. I know it’s not malicious or on purpose, but it doesn’t make it any less frustrating.
As with many things, it’s just nearly impossible to show people something outside their purview without physically showing them. I remember when I used to do diversity training, I would mention incidents of racism from my personal life, and people would ‘have you thought about’ me all day long. Or deny that it was racism. Because they, white people, had never had it happen to them, it could not possible be true.
I have been pulled over by racist cops. I have been followed in stores. I have been ask to show ID when paying with a check (so old!) when white people did not receive the same request. I have been asked so many times where I’m from and where I’m REALLY from. I have heard, “Oh, I have a Korean friend. Do you know her?” I’m not Korean. Not that it matters.
When I was on the dating apps (Craiglist at the time and POF), I was told over and over again how much the guy LOOOOOOOVED Asian women. Even when I put that in my bio (that I did not respond to people who said they loved Asian women), I still got that. Repeatedly.
This went far afield of what I meant to write about, but oh well. I can do that tomorrow.