There’s one thing about me that people may not know–I love cooking shows. My family thinks this is hilarious because I don’t cook. What’s more, I don’t like to cook. I can cook, and I have cooked, but I much prefer having other people cook for me. So, I guess the fact that I get a kick out of watching cooking shows is amusing to my family. My rebuttal is that tons of people watch home reno shows and have no intention on doing it themselves, so what’s the difference? I don’t have cable, but it’s not necessary these days as many shows are online. I don’t remember why I looked up Chopped, but then I realized that the Food Network website had full episodes available. You only have to watch a fifteen second ad every now and then. No biggie. I can either suffer through it or mute when it comes on. What I didn’t realize, however, is that it’s the same ad every goddamn time. Marie Callender’s. I think they go back and forth between two different ads, but the one I remember most vividly–and, by the way, I hate that ads are louder than the actual show–has an oily sounding narrator crooning, “Marie starts her chicken pot pie with a crust made from scratch”, making me want to shout, “No you don’t, Marie! Don’t you lie to me.”
Ian and I had a game we used to play in which we’d watch Chopped together and tweet imaginary baskets because there’s always one heinous ingredient with three decent to great ones. So, I’d tweet something like, “Mustard greens, braised duck, garlic naan, and shoe polish.” Ian would add something amusing such as, “Chicken wings, beetroot ketchup, shoestring potatoes, and the tears of angel babies.” We’d hashtag it #ChoppedBaskets, and we’d get several people joining in. There was one basket in which every ingredient was disgusting, and I tweeted that it must be an April Fool’s Day joke.
A few things about the show itself. I think the structure of the show is genius. For those who have never seen it, the show starts with four chefs. They have twenty minutes to cook an appetizer with the ingredients from the mystery basket. Then, one of them gets chopped, and three chefs have thirty minutes to cook an entree. Rinse, lather, and repeat, and two chefs have thirty minutes to make a dessert. The winner get $10,000 and bragging rights. There is tension in every round because you know that one person is going home. It’s hokey, sure, but it works. There are three judges, all of them famous chefs. There are the regular judges, and then there are special judges when they do a themed show. Ted Allen is the host, and he can be sympathetic or acerbic depending on the situation. By the way, Michael Chernow, one of the co-owners of The Meatball Shop, was a guest judge on the meatball episode, and he’s insanely hot. Like, make me forget my own name hot. Like, I would shiv a perfect stranger to kiss him hot. Like, the things I would do to his meatball–ahem. Sorry.
One of my favorite parts of the show is when the judges critique each dish. Usually, unless someone fucks up completely, the judges starts with something positive. I love it when the judges rave about a dish because I know the hammer is going to come down hard. “Your sauce is delicate and complex. I could eat a whole bowl of it.” Big pause, significant look, then, “But you left three bones in your chicken.” Even the music changes when the negative comments are uttered. It’s predictable, and it’s funny every damn time. The best is when a dish is so delicious, the judges have to reach extra far to find anything wrong with it. “You could have drizzled a little more of the sauce on the plate.” “I wish you would have added one swipe of zest in this panko.” I’m making this up, but you get the gist. It’s clear that they have a formula to follow, and there will be hell to pay if they don’t.
It’s especially fun when all three rounds are done and the judges discuss the meal as a whole from each contestant while the two competitors are back stage, tearing their hair out. The judges are trying to draw out the tension, of course, so they are meticulous about making sure they point out the good and bad in each dish. Most of the time, the competitors are close enough that one is not clearly ahead. So, it’s fun for me to guess by the comment who will win. I do it for each round, and I’d say I’m correct about eighty-five to ninety percent of the time. That’s just a ballpark guess, however, and I’m not about to actually count because I’m lazy as fuck.
I also feel as if I’m coming down with something, so Chopped is perfect to watch because I don’t have to put any thought into i t. I can just let it wash over me and have my mouth water at all the delectable dishes that I will never make in my goddamn life. I’ve been hunkered down on my couch with Shadow on my legs as I sip my huge mug of tea, watching episode after episode. My head is hot, my chest is tight, and I have the chills alternating with hot flashes. Gotta love late winter colds; they seem to be particularly virulent.
Imitation sunny-side up eggs! What the fuck? That’s an actual ingredient in the current episode’s basket. What the fuck is that even? It’s tofu and soy, apparently. It looks disgusting, and the judges are not pleased with its appearance in the basket at all. I wouldn’t be, either. I’d probably puree the shit out of it and something something, then PROFIT!
One thing I’ve learned watching this show is that you have to know what your judges like and don’t like. One thing most of them don’t care for at all is molecular gastronomy stuff–the transforming food into foam and shit–or putting sauces on the plate. Most don’t like the food too spicy with a few notable exceptions. I have to wonder what happens if a judge has a particular allergy such as cilantro* or dairy. I’m guessing that the regular judges probably don’t have any common food allergies because that would be restrictive to what they can and can’t eat, but sometimes, they let their own biases get in the way of their judgment.
One thing I don’t like about the show is how there’s usually one contestant who is set up to be the bad guy. The show has a little bio for each contestant in the beginning, and there’s one jerk who brags that they are going to win and wipe the floor with everyone. That person usually can’t stop talking throughout the first round and isn’t above doing some subtle or not so subtle psych ops shit. Fortunately, that person is usually chopped in the first round, and they rarely make it to the final round. Watching several episodes in a row has made me realized how heavily edited each episode is. It makes me wish I could watch an unedited episode because each contestant is so one-note. In one episode, this guy talked about his mother every damn time he opened his mouth. It was a special dessert episode–yum!–and he kept nattering on about how every recipe he used was one of his mother’s, and how it’s his mother’s birthday, and how everything he did reminded himself of his childhood. By the end of the episode, I wanted to tell him to get into therapy and get over his mother complex. In fact, another guy in a different episode was a self-proclaimed Mama’s boy, and he said it’s because he loved his mother so much that he didn’t have a girlfriend. If his mother didn’t like the woman he was dating, he would dump his girlfriend. One of the judges, I think it was Geoffrey Zakarian, told him to get some therapy.
Anyway, each contestant is shown only talking about one thing, usually a family member or whatever else motivates them. It makes me wonder if that’s all they actually talk about during filming or if the show edits the footage in that way. My hunch is that it’s the latter, which is a little irritating. I know this show is manipulative as are most ‘reality’ shows, but when the machinations become obvious, the show loses some of its luster. Not that I ever took it seriously, but I’m not sure how many more episodes I’ll be watching.
Here’s a little secret to guessing who wins each round–whoever declares they’re safe or that they’re gonna win the whole thing is usually chopped. The person who is not highlighted during the episode will at least make it into the final round if not out-right win the whole thing. There is usually one sleeper contestant in each episode, which is fun. The whole show is high cheese, and yet, I can’t stop watching it. I think part of the reason is because it’s just a lot of fun, and there are some touching stories. I watched Cutthroat Kitchen a few times as well as Hell’s Kitchen, and I hated both shows with a passion. They’re both mean-spirited, and the contestants were terrible people.
Side note: There was an episode about eating healthily, and they had this guest judge who really rubbed me the wrong way. All he would talk about was how many calories each dish was and he said sugar was the enemy. He was pushing all my ED buttons, which I did not appreciate. They talked about having a cheat day, and it made me want to cry. I had just written about diets not being the optimal way to lose weight, and here was this incredibly popular show pushing the same old tired ideas. I know it’s just one episode out of a million, but it stood out in a very negative way.
Now. Here’s how I usually choose who to root for. First of all, Asian woman then man. Then, any other person of color. Then any queer person. Then, any woman. This is all negated if I don’t like the personality of any of the above. Oh! I also like people with tats, but that’s pretty common these days, especially for chefs. I love the diversity on this show, but sometimes, the food gets to be a little safe. I really like it when someone comes in and does something completely different, even if they fall flat on their face. Sometimes, the ingredients suggest something obvious, as when two of the three contestants ended up doing a shepherd’s pie, so when someone can come in out of nowhere and wows the judges, it’s refreshing to see.
“Coconut fruit pops.” What the hell? It’s so weird to see ingredients and not even know what they are.
There are so many reasons why this show shouldn’t work. It’s hokey, the tension is artificial most of the time, and they unnecessarily pump up the competition. It’s formulaic and not very innovative, but it’s like the comfort food they sometimes embrace and sometimes eschew. It’s easy to chew and even easier to swallow, especially when I’m feeling peaked. It won’t get chopped just yet.
*Tastes like soap. Bleah. I was relieved when I discovered my dislike for it was legit.