There’s one thing about me that people may not know–I love cooking shows. My family thinks this is hilarious because I don’t cook. What’s more, I don’t like to cook. I can cook, and I have cooked, but I much prefer having other people cook for me. So, I guess the fact that I get a kick out of watching cooking shows is amusing to my family. My rebuttal is that tons of people watch home reno shows and have no intention on doing it themselves, so what’s the difference? I don’t have cable, but it’s not necessary these days as many shows are online. I don’t remember why I looked up Chopped, but then I realized that the Food Network website had full episodes available. You only have to watch a fifteen second ad every now and then. No biggie. I can either suffer through it or mute when it comes on. What I didn’t realize, however, is that it’s the same ad every goddamn time. Marie Callender’s. I think they go back and forth between two different ads, but the one I remember most vividly–and, by the way, I hate that ads are louder than the actual show–has an oily sounding narrator crooning, “Marie starts her chicken pot pie with a crust made from scratch”, making me want to shout, “No you don’t, Marie! Don’t you lie to me.”
Ian and I had a game we used to play in which we’d watch Chopped together and tweet imaginary baskets because there’s always one heinous ingredient with three decent to great ones. So, I’d tweet something like, “Mustard greens, braised duck, garlic naan, and shoe polish.” Ian would add something amusing such as, “Chicken wings, beetroot ketchup, shoestring potatoes, and the tears of angel babies.” We’d hashtag it #ChoppedBaskets, and we’d get several people joining in. There was one basket in which every ingredient was disgusting, and I tweeted that it must be an April Fool’s Day joke.
A few things about the show itself. I think the structure of the show is genius. For those who have never seen it, the show starts with four chefs. They have twenty minutes to cook an appetizer with the ingredients from the mystery basket. Then, one of them gets chopped, and three chefs have thirty minutes to cook an entree. Rinse, lather, and repeat, and two chefs have thirty minutes to make a dessert. The winner get $10,000 and bragging rights. There is tension in every round because you know that one person is going home. It’s hokey, sure, but it works. There are three judges, all of them famous chefs. There are the regular judges, and then there are special judges when they do a themed show. Ted Allen is the host, and he can be sympathetic or acerbic depending on the situation. By the way, Michael Chernow, one of the co-owners of The Meatball Shop, was a guest judge on the meatball episode, and he’s insanely hot. Like, make me forget my own name hot. Like, I would shiv a perfect stranger to kiss him hot. Like, the things I would do to his meatball–ahem. Sorry.