I have a lot more to say about neurodivergency and society. In yesterday’s post, I talked about how society is more aware of the issue in general these days than, say, twenty years ago. Some people complain that everyone thinks they’re neurodivergent these days (much like some people complain that everyone thinks they’re nonbinary/trans/genderfluid these days, and much like twenty years ago, some people complained that everyone thought they were queer/gay these days) because it’s more talked about. As with any other issue like this, it’s not that there are more in the category (though there very well might be), but that people are more aware that the…issue–by the way, I’m not happy with using that word, but I can’t think of another at the moment.
This is a good thing. Itt is always a good thing to have more exposure for things such as this. This meaning neurodiversity, sexual orientation, gender orientation, etc. I would also add mental health issues to that list. It’s a plus when the society at large realizes that not everyone thinks/is/acts/believes the way they do. It really is that simple (and that complicated).
Here’s the thing about (in this case) autism. If it’s true that I have it, then it’s been fifty years I’ve been living with it. (Pllus a few). It’s not as if I suddenly got it in my twenties or thirties. That means I’ve had it, undiagnosed, for a half century.
Why didn’t I even think it could apply to me for much of that time? Because of society, quite frankly. The fact that it’s always portrayed in a certain way (male, unempathetic, constantly stimming, flat affect, etc.) was a massive hindrance to me even thinking it might be possible.
It wasn’t until my friend, A, told me to think about it without adding the mask/filter to it that I realized, wait, it might be possible.
Flat affect? Yes when I don’t put effort into it.
Side note: I think part of the reason I like being alone so much is that it’s so exhausting for me to try to act like everyone else. At this point in my life, I’m just off by a degree at all times, which is in some ways more exhausting than being completely out of sync with the norm. Because I feel like I’m juuuuuust off the mark and that can be fixed if I TRY HARDER.
Side note to the side note: I was talking with A about the medical model for neurodiversity. How I wasted so many years of my life just TRYING HARDER to overcome or at least paper over the things that society would think of as defective. It’s as insidious as it is pervasive.
Side note that is completely different, but makes a similar point: I’m still playing the game, Have a Nice Death (Magic Design Studios). I can’t quit it because, well, I’m not sure why. It is such a good example of the persistent belief that if you just put your mind to it, you can do anything. It’s a roguelite/like with light platforming. I realized fairly early on that I would need to knock it down to ‘easy’ mode (less health for the enemies and less moves for the bosses, plus a few other easements) if I were to have any chance of beating it.
The bosses just fuck with my brain. Even with the simplified moveset. My brain can’t keep up with their movements or register them in time to do the appropriate response within the right timeframe. It’s not something I can improve by just TRYING HARDER. I. Can’t. Do. It. Physically or mentally, I mean. I have managed to get the false ending and the second less-false ending after hundreds of runs, but I cannot get the true ending. I can’t even get to that boss. I’m assuming that it happens right after I kill the false ending boss (which I’ve done twice, but have not gotten to the true ending boss). I know who that boss is, but I have not even seen a whiff of her.
I can very close one time, but just missed it. The problem is that it takes everything I have just to get to the false last boss, I have nothing left when I actually have to fight that boss. In fact, the only times I beat that boss was because of the skills I picked up.
Side note to the side note: I rue the fact that I like roguelike/lites; I really do. I don’t have the skills it takes t play them and it would be better for my mental health if I had no interest in them. I don’t have the dexterity, the reflexes, or the spatial recognition necessary to be decent at these games, let alone good.
Back to Have a Nice Death.
Playing it on easy mode and still getting my ass whooped from the fourth-level boss onwards, well, it has really emphasized that there are limits to one’s capabilities. Not that I needed it because I’ve known this since I was a little kid. I knew as early as seven or eight that I would never be president of the country, for an example, but it’s easy to absorb the toxic message in this country that you can be anything when the anything is on a much smaller scale.
Or to state it in another way, I believed that it was a me-problem rather than a society problem.
That’s why the revelation of the social model of disability was such an eye opener. And why it resonated so much within me. I have tried all my life to appear as normal as possible without really understanding why I should do that.
Hm. That’s not quite right.
I am fine with disregarding societal norms in the big ways. I don’t wear makeup or shave anything; I don’t care about fashion, did not get married, and did not have children. I am not religious nor do I have any desire to be.
When it comes to the more rebulous things listed in the category of soft skills, however, it’s a very different thing. I’m done for the day so I’ll get to that tomorrow.