Here we are at two in the morning once again, and I’m just starting this post. I have gotten into a bad rut with my sleep (and awake time), and while I know what the problem is, I can’t make myself change it. I end up frittering away so many hours during the day, and then only when I should be sleeping, do I buckle down to do what I should be doing.
Sigh.
I know this is part of my depression. I know my mental health is really shaky right now. I know I should be doing something about it (therapy), but I just can’t make myself. Much like the other issues in my life. I know what needs to be done, but I have such a hard time making myself do it. Even when I know each step, I can’t make myself do it. I’m fighting myself, and it’s so hard.
Plus, my brain is having intrusive thoughts. Nothing too bad, but just thoughts that make it harder for me to sleep. The last thing I need is to have my sleep be more difficult than it already is. Oh, we did hav an inch or two of snow yesterday. That was nice. It was so light and fluffy. Most of it didn’t stick, and it’s all gone now, but it was a nice respite. We’re supposed to get flurries tomorrow, too.
I just feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. And that no one loves me. I know the latter is not true as I mentioned in yesterday’s post, but it’s still in my brain. Again, I know it’s lies. I know it’s the brain weasels. But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel real.
I just looked at one of my issues with Comcast. And how it could actually be something I’m doing. Sigh. The solution (if it’s truly what I think it is) isn’t that big a deal, but it’s still a shift in my thinking and behavior. And it feels burdesome, even if it doesn’t end up being so. I’ll have to wait and see because it’s a billing thing, and I won’t know for sure for at least a week.I need enough time to gauge whether my efforts are working or not.
I am still working on my weapons, and it’s the one good thing in my life on the daily. I mean apart from the people I love. It’s so damn hard, though. I just have this voice in the back of my head berating me for all sorts of things. It’s not as bad as it used to be, and I know it’s talking shit, but it’s still diffifult to ignore.
I want to be better. I want the second half of my life to be better than the first. But I feel paralyzed in doing what I need to do to make that happen. When I talk to my brother, I marvel at how much he’s doing and how happy he is. We have always beet very different people in terms of personality, energy levels, social interactive needs, and pretty much everything else, but it has been a stark contrast since he’s started dating his GF. Who is great for him, by the way. And they are geat together.
My brother is like a whole different person in terms of contentment. And what he’s doing. In the past year, he has taken several trips–both domestically and internationally. He is fearless when it comes to trying new things, and I wish I had a half of the energy and courage that he does. I am so lacking in comparison to him. Not that I intentionally compare myself to him nor do I want to be like him. It’s just striking how different we are.
I have so many things I want to do on so many different levels, and I feel like I’m failing most of them. If it weren’t for my weapons, I would consider myself a complete failure. And not in a woe-is-me, I’m pitiful way, but just in a life-is-passing-me-by and what do I have to show for it way.
I can tell that I’m at the end of my tether because my temper is so short. I am finding fault with almost everything that used to birng me joy–except for my weapons. Even Elden Ring, which I dearly love, does not make me quite as happy as it used to. Though I do love that I can summon human players for most bosses, still, in the DLC. Which I just finished for the third time. I’m nearly done with another playthrough, but I stopped that one to try a pure(ish) intelligence build, which has been fun, but I’m not finding as enjoyable as a faith build.
The one I need to go back to and finish is my–wait. Have I finished it three times or four? Hm. Four times. I’ve finished it twice with my main character, once with my paladin, and once with my intelligence character. I’m more than half-done with my paladin on NG+, and I just checked. I have one more character in NG+ who is close to being able to go into the DLC. But that character only has 45 Vigor, which is way too low for the DLC. 60 is advisable. I went in with something like 38 on my first character, and that was a miserable time. I respecced into 60, and it made it so much better. Not easy, but better.
I need to get my shit together, but that’s easier said than done. I have a few ideas how to do it, but I just can’t get the motivation to actually follow through. I am glad that I can at least do my Taiji and Bagua because without them, I would be completely lost. I will come back tomorrow to talk about what I want to do next other than dick around and not be productive. Those aren’t serving me well, and it’s making my brain unhappy in the long run. More tomorrow.