I finished watching the most recent season of Queer Eye after I had fallen off it for a while. Why? I’ll get to that in a minute. It was set in Philly where my BFF lives and it had all the calculated emotional notes that the series is known for. Did I cry once an episode? Yes. But I knew going in that I would. Is it emotionally manipulative? Yes. But I also knew that going in as well. Here is Captain Awkward’s spoiler-free review for every episode of Queer Eye, written as she watched the third season, and it remains true to the end. There’s a very predictable format and I’m not here to argue for or against it. What I am here to say is that many of the things that caused me to flinch the first time I watched it has induced a full-body cringe this time around. I re-watched the first season and while it’s still generally heartwarming, I’m also very aware of how normative it is in so many ways. Even heteronormative in some ways. Not in a anti-homosexual way, obviously, but in a ‘everyone must be paired up’ way. There was an unusual amount of attention paid to whether or not the participant was getting shagged so let’s address the sexual harassment elements first.
I know that it’s a reality TV show, but I couldn’t help thinking of all the ways it’s an HR nightmare. The participants had to have signed a waiver form because there were several times when if it had happened in an office, the Fab Five would have been hauled into HR so damn fast. One, and I distinctly remember this from the first time I watched the show, Neal, the Indian guy. I did a full-body cringe when they forced hugs on him. Some people do not like to be touched and it was clear that he was not enjoying it at all. Then, they forced him into a group hug and I was SCREAMING inside. This time watching it was even worse and their rationale that he was ‘shut off’ and needed to be open to people did not fly with me. First of all, there are cultures in which people are more reserved. Secondly, some people have personal trauma that means no touching without consent. Thirdly, it’s ok not to want to hug people you just met.
Another episode is the firefighters one. Yes, they were all thirsty in that episode. I expected that. What I didn’t expect was for Karamo to sexually harass one of the firefighters whom he nicknamed Superman. Micah, I think his real name was. He took it in stride and with a smile, but it was uncomfortable to watch. I commented at the time that it would have been unacceptable if it were a straight dude doing that to a woman so why was it acceptable for a gay guy to do it to a guy? I mean, no one should be sexually harassing anyone, ideally! Jonathan does it all the time as well on a lowkey level, but that’s more just a generic ‘I’m going to fake-sexualize everyone to make them feel wanted’ thing that wasn’t as gross.
Again, I know that these people agree to be on camera and maybe they were fine with it in the end. However, it’s really uncomfortable to watch as someone who has experienced sexual assault.
Another big issue is how dismissive the Fab Five are about the participant’s life before they enter it. Granted, many of the participants have big issues, but their incredulity at the less-than-perfect lives the participants have is off-putting. People have clutter! People use the microwave! Some people don’t cook! Not everyone has the latest in fashion, furniture, etc., and to act in such outsized shock is not a good look. Even the ones with closer to hoarding problems–there are reasons. I struggle with cleaning because of depression and if people were to speak disparagingly of it to me, well, it wouldn’t help. A few of the events Karamo arranged for the participants were potentially dangerous, too. Again, with Neal, the boxing thing. He clearly hadn’t exercised in some time and to make him box for however long and kinda peer-pressuring him into continuing could have done some real damage. As someone with a myriad of health issues, I would have refused to do it without a second thought. Also the blindfolded trust fall. Trust comes with time. It’s not smart to trust just anyone off the street, even if they have a TV show. Maybe especially because they have a TV show.
Now. Let’s talk about all the normative beliefs that permeate the show. One. That family is above all else. That is baked into the show and I’m not sure they realize how prevalent that is. There’s also the belief that the participant if of a certain age is primarily looking for a significant other. No room for polyamory or for being a happy single person or asexual.
I have to interject because Krupa did his Dark Souls III plat stream the last two Saturdays. In the last one, I was talking with another commenter in chat about the joys of being single. I said I loved being single because I could eat chocolate Cheerios at 3 in the morning if I wanted! I added that I probably would, anyway, but it was a definite bonus. A couple people admitted they might have done the same thing at some time and Krupa jumped in on the single chat. He said that it should be ok to be single and that society should embrace more than one way of being. It blossomed into a really beautiful and honest talk about how society fucks it up in so many ways and how difficult it can be an oddball. We shared ways in which we had to swim against the tide and I said that we should all embrace whatever makes us happy so long as it doesn’t hurt another person. It was a beautiful and affirming chat, and it’s not something you ever see in a gaming stream. It helped that it was a private stream and there were 80 or so people in the chat, but we had a real moment collectively. It also helped that Krupa was so supportive and open himself, allowing people to feel better about sharing.
My point is that Queer Eye is the opposite of that. They talk about being yourself and embracing what makes you, you, but they have a quite prosaic view of what is acceptable to be. It’s weird because they’re very loving and kind on an individual level, but they reinforce societal beliefs in so many ways. I understand they’re doing it for television and it doesn’t make for a very exciting show to allow people to just be who they are, but it comes across as disingenuous. “YAAS KWEEEN! BE YOU! BUT, NOT IN THAT WAY!” Throws tons of clothes, hair/beauty products, and furniture at you.
If I were the participant, this would be what happens.
Tan: How do you feel about heels?
Me: No fucking way. No French tuck, either.
JVN: Just a little mascara to pop those lashes!
Me: Nope. No makeup at all.
Antoni: Let’s put some Gruyere–
Me: Let me stop you right there. I’m allergic to everything under the sun.
Karamo: Let’s go into the woods and–
Me: Let me stop you right there. I’m allergic to everything under the sun.
Bobby: I’m going to–
Me: Do whatever you want! I trust you completely!
Can you tell that Bobby is my favorite? He is a beautiful angel who can do no wrong. I dreamed about him last night. Nothing outre, just us talking.
One thing Tan said that really bugged me was–let me set the scene. One of the participants was a hardcore workout dude. He wore sweats/shorts and a t-shirt while at home. Tan was not ok with this at all. He told the story of how a boyfriend dumped him because he wanted to stay home all the time and ‘let himself go’. Tan said that part of a relationship was dressing up for your partner even if you were just staying at home. I know that’s a belief in the gay (man) community, but it’s a hard no for me. It’s so much like advice from the fifties for a woman that her man could never see her without makeup. I clearly remember thinking, “If that’s a requirement for being in a relationship then fuck that.” I mean, I have a million reasons I don’t want to be in a relationship, but that was just the cherry on a shit sundae.
I want to say, I’m not arguing that you should make an effort when going out with your partner. I have nothing against a date night or whatever. It’s the idea that you have to be ‘on’ 24/7 that I take issue with. Also, no heels. That’s nonnegotiable.
Which brings me to another issue. The show is casually ableist. Not a big surprise as much of society is as well. I mean, those of us at high risk of Covid are being told on the daily that our lives don’t matter so it’s not surprising that it trickles down to a granular level. But, many of the issues I’ve already mention fall under this umbrella. Not being able to do some of the hardcore activities, a variety of food issues, sensory issues, etc. It was clear that one of the participants was struggling with mental health issues, at least to me (and more than one, but one in particular), but it was briefly suggested only to be glossed over.
I stopped watching at the first episode of the second season because the second I remembered which episode it was, I didn’t have the mental bandwidth to deal with it. It’s one with a church and gayness, and I felt Bobby was badgered into being ok with it. I know the show is about positivity and seeing all sides and we are all one under the skin, but this episode went too far. Bobby and JVN declared their issues with churches, specifying it wasn’t about God. Karamo (and I know it seems as if I’m picking on him the most, but it really is emblematic throughout the show) declared that his church had not been like that, that many churches had not been like that, that he was able to tell churches to not be like that. Which is great for you, Karamo, but not the norm. I know it’s a defense mechanism, but it really left a sour taste in my mouth.
The first time I watched the episode, I had to tweet about my discomfort at how the team pushed Bobby to be vocally ok with churches. It was clear the trauma of his childhood still marked him and I just wanted to wrap him in a comfy duvet and give him a cup of tea. I haven’t watched the Japan season yet because one, I put it in the background while doing other things and I would actually have to watch the screen for that season because it’s in Japanese. Two, I’m cringing at what unintentional faux pas they may make. I will say that the current season is much better in tenor than the earlier seasons, but it’s still very much within a comfortable boundary.
I probably won’t get back to it any time soon, but I want to emphasize that I do think it’s a well-meaning show that overall does a lot of good. I just wish it could be even better.