We all have pet peeves, those little things that irritate us beyond reason. This is in opposition to hills to die on, which are also things that may be petty to some people, but they area big deal to (general) you. In other words, they can end up being bigger pet peeves.
My example is wearing a bra at work. On Ask A Manager, there was a heated (much more heated than I expected in 2023) debate over whether bras should be required to wear at work. By women. I mean, the debate was by women–not the wearing of said bras. Yes, that was also assumed to be by women, but that isn’t my point.
My point is that I stopped wearing a bra for good during the pandemic as many women did. I rarely wore one before that, either, but that’s when I realized taht I did not have to wear one at all. Ever. I don’t work outside the home, but I would absolutely not wear a bra if I did. In this post, a person wrote in to say that they had been taken to task for not wearing one. I fully expected the women who read the blog (mostly progressive people) to be at worst equanimous about wearing a bra to work. At At worst! But, no. There were many women who were appalled at the idea of not wearing a bra to work. One even went as far as to say nipples were disgusting. I mean, the OP said they (I believe they were nonbinary) were careful to make sure nothing showed, but the fact that nipples existed and there might have been some jiggle really upset at least one woman in the comments.
I said that if I worked in an office, this was absolutely a hill I would die on. Me wearing a bra had no effect on my ability to do any office work, and I could not stand how they felt. Someone said it was a privilege to be able to say that, and I said absolutely! But I meant it and those of us who had the ability to use that privilege for good should do it! I mean, what’s the point of having privilege if you can’t leverage it in some way?
This is my issue with just telling someone to check their privilege. Usually, the implication is that they are saying/doing something that other people can’t do/say. Which ,ok. That may be true, but what should that person do after checking it? It has become a ‘gotcha’ statement without any meaning behind it. For me, checking one’s privilege should be followed with an action predicated upon checking said privelege.
For me, the bra situation would be me checking my privilege (I could afford to leavea job for this reason) and then using that privilege to speak up on something that other people may not be able to. In addition, there were several women in the ‘suck it up’ category. They were really dismissive of the whole thing, saying it wasn’t that big a deal to wear one. If that’s the case, then why was it equally not a big deal to NOT wear one?
I don’t buy that premise, by the way. That it’s not a big deal to wear one. They are so restrictive and by the way, there is research that shows people who don’t wear bras have perkier boobs than those who do. In other words, there really is no scientific basis for wearing a bra. No matter how many women are convinced they’re better off wearing one.
Listen. I don’t give a shit. Wear five bras if you want to. I just don’t understand why some women are SO APPALLED at those of us who say, nah, I’m good, thanks. It’s always interesting to me how certain things set people off. I realized what it was when I talked about not wanting children in my twenties. And, again, I never brought it up myself. I only said anything in response to a woman (and, yes, it was always women) asknig me if I had/wanted kids. I always answered, “No, I don’t want kids.” That’s it.
This is when I learned that a seemingly simple and, frankly, not notable decision had a lot of significance to women. Should I have known? Yeah, maybe. But I did not. Thus, I was unprepared for the pushback I got with that simple no. I mean, it’s a decision that did not affect anyone else, so it should not have been a big deal.
Like I said. I was naive back then.
I maintain that it’s not something that should have mattered at all to anyone. Which means it seemed petty to me, but it was a hill so many women were willing to die on.
I think petty is in the eye of the beholder sometimes. Same as what constitutes a hill to die on. It’s hard to say what will matter to someone, let alone what ‘should’. Back to the bra thing. So many women in the comments tried to make it seem like it was petty to take a stance on not wearing a bra. But if it was so petty, why were they getting so upset about it? You could flip in ot them. If it’s so petty, then it should be equally ok n not to wear on. Why were they maknig it a bigger deal than it needed to be?
People really do not appreciate it when you flip the script on them, though. Especially when it exposes their hypocrisy. So many offended people huffing and puffing over something as silly as wearing a scrap of fabric around your boobs. That have no impact on your ability to do your job.
Here’s an ugly truth. Women are often their worst enemy. The patriarchy cannot be upheld without women doing a lot of the heavy lifting. If women are tearing each other down for not being feminine enough, well, then, they cannot focus on how shitty the patriarchy is for all women, right? It’s the same with constantly harping on women for being too fat. If you can get women to hate their bodies and focus on losing weight, then you don’t have to worry about them revolting against The Man.
How did I get here? I have no fucking idea. But my point is that things that are consinered petty to some people are other people’s hills to die on–and vice-versa. That’s because life is a rich tapestry, and no two people are the same.