I don’t do New Year’s resolutions because I find the end of the year to be an artificial marker of time, but in this case, I’m making an exception. Why? Because I died twice this year. If that’s not a reason to be glad to see the back side of this year, I don’t know what is. Not to mention the ongoing endemic that is COVID-19. I need to get my booster, btw. I tried to schedule it, but the place nearest to me didn’t have any openings. I’ll keep trying, of course, because I need to get my booster, but it’s frustrating.
Today, it’s snowing steadily. We’re only supposed to get an inch or two, but I’ll take it. Shadow is sleeping on my legs and keeping my calves toasty warm. The top part of me is a little chilly, but I don’t have the heart to move Shadow to put on a sweatshirt. I ordered from Amazon Fresh for between 2 p.m. and 4 p.m. It’s currently 1:45 p.m. and we’ll see if it’s on time. The first time I ordered from them after three months of Origins food, it got canceled. Last time, it was delivered late. So we’ll see if it’s actually on time this time. I’m not happy with how erratic it’s been, especially as I had no problem with it before I went into the hospital. Limon Lays potato chips are fantastic–probably my favorite of all the flavors thus far. I’ve been mostly shopping at Cubs with my parents gone because it’s the most convenient.
While they were here, it was easiest just to eat the Origins meals. All of them contained meat and my parents are huge meat eaters. They don’t believe you can get enough protein if you don’t eat meat. Even my brother who is more scientifically minded in general has his skepticism about a vegetarian/vegan lifestyle. Before I went into the hospital, I was moving towards a vegan diet. I’m already gluten-free/dairy-free, and I had gotten myself down to meat once a day. Then my parents came home and I had so much to deal with that I gave up on fighting them on the meat thing. We ate eggs for brekkie and meat for lunch and dinner, which was tasty, I’ll admit, but made me feel guilty. Now, I’m back down to once a day and we’ll see where I’ll go from there.
Side note: It was frustrating beyond belief to have my diet questioned by my parents, especially my father. I don’t know whether it was just his intense narcissism or his dementia or his stubborn ignorance that made him question my diet. First of all, I eat several times a day. I don’t like to eat three big meals and prefer grazing throughout the day. I am also GF/DF, which my father never remembered. He would offer me things I couldn’t eat and then remark that he didn’t know how I did it when I said I couldn’t eat it/turned it down. Other times, he asked when it would be over, indicating that he believed I was eating that way because of my medical trauma.
I got so tired of reiterating that I couldn’t eat whatever and it wasn’t a temporary thing and no, I did not miss the things I couldn’t eat (until it was pointed out to me repeatedly that I couldn’t eat whatever). My mom would do it occasionally as well, but it was more often than not my father. In addition, he questioned my way of eating in a very disparaging manner. It’s hard t o explain how disdainful he can be with just the expression on his face or the tone of his voice. And the most infuriating part is that he’s always so wrong about the shit he spouts. The last time we Zoomed, he questioned me about how I was feeding myself. I mean, I’ve been doing it for several decades. I’m not a fucking child. And even if I needed help with it, it’s not as if HE was going to do anything about it. He can’t even operate the microwave by himself.
I have no respect for my father. I try to keep it to myself, but it’s hard not to let my contempt leak out. Again, if he just wanted to talk about silly things like squirrels (he loves squirrels) for half an hour, fine. I don’t like it, but I can deal with it. Or if he wants to reminisce about the Yellowstone trip for the third time in three days. Again, I’m not happy about it, but I can let it go into one ear and out another. It’s when he starts saying sexist/racist bullshit or is attacking my mother that I have a harder time biting my tongue.
My brother and I were talking about my parents right before they left and we both think that will be the last time we see my father. Probably. He’s not in good shape, but at the same time, his body is trucking along. His parents lived to be in their late nineties and were of hearty/hardy farmer stock. When my father got his MRI, it showed nothing wrong with his body except for minimal brain dimming (within normal range for his age). I can see his body stubbornly refusing to die even if his brain gives out.
Three weeks before they left, my mother was moaning about how this might be the last time my brother and I saw my father. She sent us a lengthy email lecturing us about loving and respecting our father more. She dragged Taiwanese culture into it and laid on the guilt as hard as she could. She’s manipulative like that and even when I see her/it for what she/it is, it’s hard to stomach. Especially since she flat-out said that she expected me/us to be the better person/s because of my father’s pathology. She said since I’m the normal one (and yes, she used that word), I had to bend to him. She threw in the fact that Taiwanese culture respects their elders. I reminded her that giving into someone’s pathology is NOT the way to deal with it. She should know this! She’s a psychologist!
This is what gets to me. She’s a fucking psychologist, and, yet, her way of dealing with my father is textbook wrong. You don’t deal with someone’s pathology by enabling them. You set boundaries and stick to them. Yes, a narcissist will be unpleasant when you set boundaries, but as I pointed out, he’s unpleasant no matter what. I mean, he will be at some point. It’s just the way he is.
My brother and I came up with a way to shut up my mother about next summer and whether or not my father could make the trip (he can’t). We said we’d go to Taiwan next winter (sure as hell not going in the summer), which stopped that line of thought (them coming here next summer) right quick. That was all I wanted because I could not stand listening to her maunder on and an about it. It was three weeks before they were leaving to go back to Taiwan, which made it doubly irritating. My mom was wailing about how we would not be able to go out to a restaurant (which we weren’t doing, anyway because of the pandemic) or spend time together. With three weeks to go! Why not just enjoy that time rather than borrow trouble?
She brought out the big guns of my father dying and us not seeing him again. This made me furious because I actually died. Twice. So maybe not use the dying guilt trip on someone who actually died? I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
One thing this medical trauma has done is made it crystal clear to me that the deep family dysfunction is not going to get any better. I watched my mother gaslight me to my face about a fight she had with my father–that morphed into him and I having a fight. A week after it happened, she claimed to have forgotten that the reason I yelled at my father was because he was screaming at her. I was defending her, in other words. Which was my big mistake. My brother said I should just leave when they get into it, and he’s right. It’s hard to do, though. More on this later.