I’ve been talking with an online friend about having to ‘come out’ as a minority (not necessarily queer, but that can be included under the broad umbrella). Not just in terms of being out about being in a minority group, but when to bring up related issues. In this case, it wass about a vvideo game about witches. You are a witch hunter, hunting witches. A woman asked, reasonably, if all the witches were women. Another woman later pointed out that with the Salem witch trials, it’s a valid question.
More than one guy pooh-poohed it, saying that it was just a game, blah, blah, blah. I hate that mentality. Games are part of society, and the fact that they have casual (and not-so casual) sexism baked into them is not something to be dismissed. In addition, and I say this with, if not affection, positive intent, dudes neeed to STFU and listen. I know cishet white dudes are so used to being the norm. I know they think that whatever they think is standard, fine, and good.
Over at Ask A Manager, there was a question today that was related. It was from a high level manager who had autism. Her company had had issues with people wdo were neurospicy and had to pay out two settlements because of this. They brought in a new HR person, “Jane”, and the letter writer (LW) told Jane about their autism. Only the CEO and their direct reports knew, otherwise. Later, they found out that Jane had talked about their autism with their direct reports. when the LW tried to talk about this with Jane, Jane got defensive and said that the LW had a moral obligation to disclose. Which, no.
Most of the commenters were firmly on the LW’s side and shared their outrage. One commenter, though, said that it was “legitimate for an organisation to ask senior people who are members of minoritised groups (she’s British) if they want to be visible role models for that group….” and went on to say how it was beneficial to the person as well as the company. My immediate internal response was, “Fuck no!”, and I was glad that others agreed with me. There is no personal benefit to being forced to disclosed, even under the gentle wording of ‘if you want’ (which, I would think, “Is this a dictum wrapped in a suggestion?”). She double downed it later that it had to be truly optional, but that’s a pipe dream. She also meant it more in terms of LGBTQ+ (of which she was a member), but admitted it might not be as applicable to people with autism.
I wanted to say that it’s never beneficial to the person doing the revealing, but that’s too definitive. I’me sure there are reasons it can be a relief if the employer is accepting and open. But, that’s rarely the case. And even if they are open abnd accepting on the face of it, oftentimes, they unconsciously judge the person who discloses. Or, and this is common with disability–they ascribe everything the preson does to that disability.
Let me be clear. It’s never the ‘moral obligation’ of the minority person to out themselves. They get to decide when, where, and how that outing happens. For me, I am a member of several different minorities. Some are easy to hide and others are not. Asian? Not hiding that–except online. Gender? Well, that’s complicated. The gender I present as is discriminated against. It’s also not my current gender. I identify as agender, which is probably the most invisible of my various identities. People can barely deal with trans and nonbinary–agender is asking way too much.
I take being called a woman/sister/she in the manner in which it’s offer–as a term of s-olidarity and inclusion. The fact that I don’t relate to any of them doesn’t mean the intent was bad. And it’s not something I want to deal with at the moment. Am I happy when people recognize that I don’t have a gender? Yes. Am I upset when they don’t? No. I’m not happy about it, obviously, but it’s more a mild, “Sigh” than a “Don’t fucking call me that” that something like calling me Chinese (I’m not. I’m Taiwanese) would get after the second or third time it happened. I’ve had to take my Indian (from India) classmate (Taiji) to tsk because she LOVES to bring up that I’m Chinese out of the blue–but I’m not. I’m ont Chinese. I’m Taiwanese. And my people were oppressed by the mainlanders. So she has no standing to be upset at me about her gaffe, but that doesn’t stop her.
It’s exhausting, to be honest. At some point, you have to pick and choose when you’re going to mention something and when you’re not. With my classmate, I never brought up my nationality. I knew she was trying to relate as Asian women, but she was wrong on so many levels. She was very passionate about advocating for Pakistan (against Indian hegemony), so I did not understand why she had such trouble understanding that I was Taiwanese and did not want to have anything to do with the Mainlanders.
Here’s the thing I wished people would understand. I don’t bring this shit up if I feel the person is hopeless. I mean, I corrected my classmate because she did it in front of other people and because there was no way I was letting that stand. But in general, I will only bring up something if I think the other person might be open to learning. If someone is a lost cause, then why bother? In the case of the witch discussion, I did not chime in because the main person arguing, well, he had shown himself to be not open to other people’s opinions.
In other words, why bother? And I have mentally filed him as someone to be VERY superficial with and not expect anything more. There are other guys I would engage more with, but it’s still tiring. And at the end of the day, I can just walk away. That’s the thing. That’s always an option–and one I use more often than not. I get tired of people who don’t change over time. I know that’s partly my own issue because change is hard, but that’s the way I am. And when it comes to people dismissing legit concerns about sexism, racism, gender identity, etc., well, then I’m done.
I’m old. I’m tired. I should know better by now, but I still, naively and foolishly, expect better. I had a friend once who said I was an optimist. I was indignant because I considered myself a cynic. He said that I expected the best of people and was disappointed when they fell short. I opened my mouth to protest, but then shut it. He was right–to my dismay. I did expect the best from people, and I was constantly heartbroken when I didn’t get it. That’s why I ended up being cynical!
I wish I could adjust my expectations accordingly, but it seems I will never learn. That’s just the way I’m wired.