I was reading the weekend thread at Ask A Manager. There were two questions that I saw about weddings. The second was more pragmatic while the first asked what was one thing people loved about their weddings and one thing they would change. She had a bonus question about whether it was OK for her to go dress shopping alone.
I have a visceral reaction to the whole concept of weddings because of what they have become in America. Like some kind of grotesque Frankenstein monster, they have grown to become bloated. all-encompassing, and a massive waste of time, energy, and money.
The fact that the concept of Bridezilla exists disgusts me as does how much ‘but faaaaaamily’ is invoked for the occasion. When my brother got married, he and his fiancee at the time planned the whole thing themselves and kept it to $3,000. This was nearly thirty years ago, but still. That’s pretty damn impressive. The biggest issue is that my mother made a big fuss because my brother wanted to keep to 75 guests total. In Taiwanese culture, weddings are huge. You invite all your friends who have kids of the same age, and they do the same for you. She threw a huge fit when my brother told her the total number of guests they were inviting. He compromised by having a dinner at a Chinese restaurant for her friends. He invited his future in-laws, which went…not great. His ex-father-in-law was a racist asshole who was not shy about voicing his uneducated and vile opinions. He refused to eat ‘any of that crap’ at the Chinese restaurant, which, fine. Be a big baby.
My BFF told me that her mother and mother-in-law clashed during her wedding over things like what food was going to be served. K is a pretty even-keeled woman, but she told me she was close to chucking it all aside and eloping. And I know her! She wouldn’t have a big blowout wedding in the first place.
I came to the realization in my late twenties/early thirties that I did not want to get married. Not only because of all the bullshit that surrounds the day itself, but also because I did not like what it represented. You cannot untangle it from the patriarchy, no matter how hard you try–in a heterosexual wedding/marriage, at least.
A few decades ago, I was dating someone who was a bit more traditional than I was. I had no desire to marry and have kids, but he was a bit more waffly about it. He said he didn’t want kids, but mentioned a few years later that maybe he might want them. I told him that while it would make me sad, we would have to break up because I did not want children, full stop.
At another point, he had gone to a wedding. He came back and excitedly told me that they had gotten a toaster oven as a wedding present. He was gushing about it and said jokingly that we should get married so we could get a toaster oven. I looked at him as if he had grown another head and said, “You can buy a toaster oven if you want one. You’re a grown-ass adult.”
Later, he said, “I know you don’t want to get married, but would you say yes if I proposed?” I pointed out that he himself had said the answer. He said he knew that, but would I say yes if he proposed? I said no, obviously, but realized years later that he was trying to put out the feelers because he wanted to get married. He had the infuriating habit of not saying what he felt at the time, but hinting about it indirectly. I am very good at reading people, but sometimes, things like this slips under my radar. I have a touch of literalism in that I don’t always get innuendo. Feelings and unspoken emotions? Yes. But not always the actual question behind the purported question.
I told him that if I were ever to get married, which I wasn’t, I would elope. I hate everything about weddings, including the planning of them. Just thinking about it makes me exhausted. I do appreciate that my ex-SIL had us buy dresses (I was a bridesmaid) that was just a pretty flowered dress that could be worn on other occasions. She told us what color shoes she wanted us to wear, but that was it. We were allowed to do our hair, makeup, and jewelry any way we wanted. The only thing my brother requested was that I not get the tattoo I had been planning to get. I did not have one yet, so it was no big thing for me to wait until after the wedding to get one.
Another reason I would not have a wedding is because I’m allergic to everything in one. I would have to have GF/DF food, which is not fun for everyone else. There is plenty of food that is GF/DF and delicious, but in general, it’s not food ‘normies’ would eat. I could go Asian because there is very little dairy in Asian food and rice noodles are a thing to replace gluten.
I’m also allergic to flowers. All of them. I hate them so much. I would have to have silk or forego them completely. Not to mention scents. Which means I’d have to forbid people from wearing perfume/cologne. I’m also irritated by most fabrics, which is why I wear so little clothing. This is why, in general, that I am not fit for human consumption. I am like the boy in the bubble light. Fun fact: Ian and I looked up the boy in the bubble. The disease he had is only contracted by males, so I could not actually have the thing that would make me have to be in a bubble. In addition, the boy the movie was about, his blood helped the scientists develop a cure for what he had. Science is cool.
I hate being around people for prolonged periods of time as well. This is yet another reason why I would not have a wedding. Let’s talk about the great outdoors as well. No way I would have an outdoors wedding because I would suffer.
If I ever decided I wanted to dedicated my life to one person (which, no. That’s another post for another day, though), I would just elope. No fuss, no muss. Or, I would have a simple ceremony with ten people or less. Also no fuss, no muss. I can’t think of much I’d like to do less than plan and execute a wedding; it’s definitely in my list of ten things I’d like to avoid.