Let’s talk more about my weird brain and how I think of things. In the last post, I was talking about how bigots are going to bigot because they are bigots. I know that’s reductive and goes around in a circles, but it’s also true. When you get down to it, they are bigots because they are/want to be bigots. They have hate in their hearts, and they want to spread it around. Also, many of them believe that everyone also has the same hate in their hearts, but just keep it to themselves. That’s why it’s important to speak up when you hear bigoted statements.
It’s interesting. As a visual minority, I don’t get to hear most of the rank foul things people would say about Asian people. Sure, I get to hear the casual racism, and I’ve been asked really foul personal questions as an Asian AFAB person. And, my god, when I used to use the dating apps, the vast majority of the men responding (when I was looking for men) would tell me how much they LOVED Oriental girls (their words, not mine) and send me dick pics. This was with me putting in my ad that I did not want dick pics or men who were Asian fetishists.
Side note: my dudes. Bruh. I don’t know why I need to say this, but the way to instantly stand out on the apps as a straight dude is to FUCKING READ WHAT THE AD ACTUALLY SAYS. I was very upfront about not wanting either of those two things, and I would say at least 90% of the replies I got had the Asian thing and maybe 50% had dick pics.
Guys whine about not getting any answers to their queries on dating apps, but if you can’t put in the minimal effort of READING THE FUCKING AD, then there’s no reason for someone to reply to you.
I know what it is, of course. Sexism and racism all rolled up into one. Yippee. It’s cishetwhite dudes not realizing that they need to put in a modicum of effort. So many guys whining about not getting any answers, blah blah blah. Like they are entitled to a date from any given woman. I mean, I would have a modicum of sympathy if they put in the effort and were being rejected (which does happen to some guys, obviously), but for the ones who don’t even READ THE FUCKING AD before responding, well, they can go fuck themselves (because I certainly am not going to do it).
I’ve gotten into Kpop (well, one specific group, Stray Kids), and I’m struggling. One reason is beacuse I see a lot of what I consider queer-baiting behavior in the indulstry in general. And it’s based on very rigid gender roles that are as entrenched as they are in America (in different ways, yes, but still makes me grimace).
Not only do I find it distasteful, but I don’t get it. I don’t understand why the need to constantly joke about them being married to each other and why fans are so invested in it, too. All the shipping makes me very uneasy for several reasons. One, who the fuck cares? That’s the first and biggest reason.
Side note: This is the downsides to Kpop idols being forced to live their entire lives on camera. I didn’t realize when I first started delving into the world how pervasive their on-camera lives were. Well, I quickly learned. There is so much content. SO much. And not just of their music. There are variety shows, survival shows, music shows, talk shows, and a bunch more. I’ve also noticed that people who claim to be fans are pretty cruel/dismissive/ugly to/about the idols they purport to like. Or rather, other members in the group other than their fanvorite. It’s so bad, they even have a name for that kind of fan. I just saw an example of it tonight in the comments of one video I watched, and it reminded me to never read the comments.
Back to gender/sexual identity in general. K once said to me that I was very good at using people’s correct pronouns (ironically, I fuck up over my own lack of one the most because it’s hard when talking about myself not to use a pronoun). I thought about it, and I realized why. I don’t get gender no matter how much I think about it. Because it’s not important to me, I don’t have any fixed ideas about it, so I can be accepting whatever other people tell me their gender is.
I’m not saying that I’m being dismissive or disingenuous about it–nor that I’m coddling people in any way. I’m saying that because I don’t have any solid idea of gender myself, I can accept with ease how other people define their own gender. I’m not saying I’ve never slipped, by the way. Just that I do it much less than other people.
Also, identities are journeys and not static. This is something that many people don’t seem to get. Someone who is considered female at birth, then realizes at some point that she isn’t, might conceivably struggle with what she actually is. That’s what happened to me with many of my identities. I’ll take religion this time.
I was raised a fundamentalist evangelical Christian. I rejected it when I was 20. I called myself agnostic for about a decade after that. Then, I toyed with the label atheist for a while, but I was never comfortable with it for several reasons. I was not comfortable saying that there definitelly was not a god/higher power/etc–I preferred to say I did not know what was out there, but I was pretty certain it wasn’t an old white guy with a beard in the sky shaking his finger at me.
At some point, I decided that areligious was more apt for me because I did not care if there was a god or not. In other words, I was apathetic on that question. I could not wrap my head around a way to make god work as anything other than a concept/feeling/idea. That’s the label that felt the most right for me, and it’s the label I still use now.
That’s not to say that I won’t change it again in the future. It’s the same with my gender (non) identity. Currently, I choose to call myself agender. That doesn’t mean that I won’t find a better one at some point. If it does’ that won’t negate the fact that it’s the best label I have at this moment on my journey.