I want to talk about how burned out I feel right now. Emotionally, I mean. I talked in yesterday’s post about how I hated my fellow countrypeople, and I’m not even trying to tamp it down. In the past, I would try to talk myself out of it or give reasons why–no, not the latter. I could not excuse the hate even if I tried not to hate back. The thing, though, is that I hated back, regardless of trying not to.
Wait. I’m not sure hated is the right word. It’s more like raged. And wanted revenge. Which I am even more invested in now. I don’t like that about myself, but I’m also not doing much to block it. Look. If you’re trying to take away my civil rights, then I’m going to be happy when you get smacked down by your own hubris. I’m not proud of it, but I’m also not feeling too bad about it.
For a long time, one of my favorite GIFs was the one in which Angela Bassett sets her cheating boyfriend’s car on fire after piling all his stuff in it, turns arround, and flicking the ashes of her cigarette, walks away. It’s based on this clip. Rewatching the clip, you can see how worn down she is and how much pain she’s in. But, more importantly, you can see the rage in her eyes. Even though she keeps her movements very controlled and deliberate, I can feel the anger behind each gesture. And hurt.
That’s how I feel right now. I’m trying to keep it under control, but I’m furious. I’ll candidly admit it. I have two instances that I like to trot out when I want to make this point clear. After the Supreme Court repealed Roe v. Wade, I read a story about a Texan woman who had a wanted pregnacy. The fetus died in her womb and because of the repeal of Roe v. Wade and the fact that she lived in such a regressive state, she could not get the fetus removed.
She had to drive to another state in order to get the procedure done, which meant burying the fetus in another state. In the interview, she said that she had been pro-repeal, and she never thought shewould be affected by it. She went on to talk about how traumatic it was, etc. My first immediate thought was a vicious, “Good!” I was shaken by how deep the depths of my anger was, but I was so tired by that point. I mean, if she didn’t know what the repeal would mean, maybe she shouldn’t have fucking supported it?
Look, I know there’s so much going on, it’s hard to keep up. But if that’s one of your major reasons for voting Republican, then you should fucking know what it actually meant to repeal Roe v. Wade. It’s not like it was just an itty-bitty backpage news item that no one talked about. It would have taken all of five minutes to find the relevant info–if you didn’t just stick to Faux News, of course. Which would be the problem.
The second incident came from the recent siege of Minneapolis by our own federal government via ICE. It had a devastating effect on the local businesses, obviously. There was a woman who was interviewed who was an immigrant. She had been a…I want to say therapist–something on that level. Because of the raids, she could not do her job and had to become a cleaner instead. She said she feared for her family, and my heart broke for her.
Until she mentioned that she had voted for this president because of his antti-queer stance. Then, the compassion fled my body in a hot second, and all I felt was an incandescent rage. Once again, my immediate thought upon reading that part was, “Fuck you. You’re getting what you deserve!” The rage ran white hot through my body, and I was vicious in my fury.
Also, how the fuck–no. I’m not getting into that. I was going to say how the hell could she believe anything this lying asshole said when he so clearly showed his entire ass during his last term, but perhaps she wasn’t here at that time. Or, hope springs eternal. Or something.
That’s what gets to me, by the way. How much this president can lie through his teeth and people continue to believe him. Not as many as before, but still way too many. And I’m tired. I’m broken. And I want his supporters to get every fucking thing they deserve. It’s the ugly part of my heart. I am not proud of it, but I’m also not ashamed. What I am is weary and wondering why the fuck did I come back for this?
I don’t think it’s pessimistic to say the world is shit and that it’s probably going to get worse before it gets better–if it ever does. Get better, I mean. Even if we manage to survive this regime and he doesn’t get a third term (do not ask), it’s going to take all of the next president’s term to undo even a fraction of the damage that has happened (assuming it’s a Dem).
So much damage has been done. Not just locally, but internationally as well. After W. Was done with his eight years, America was not looked at kindly (to put it exceedingly mildly). I cannot even imagine what it’s going to be like this time.
I also can’t imagine who the Dems are going to run for president. We don’t have a really deep bench right now. Honestly, though, I haven’t really looked into it much because, well, as I said, I’m done. I’ve seen the ugly side of my fellow Americans, and I want no part of it. I want no part of this country. I’m just..done.
I have more to say, but I’m also very physically tired, I’ll write more tomorrow.