There are some words that I just don’t understand or get. I mean, I know them on an intelligence level, but I don’t get them on a cellular level.
One is gender, but that’s more the concept of gender. I’m not talking about that in this post because that’s not the point. I want to talk about another big picture word that I feel gets too mired down in toxic Christianity. (And maybe other religions, but that’s the one I know best.)
Fair warning: My bias is that I grew up in a very sexist, patriarchal, conservative with a small-c, toxic, and just overwhelmingly negative Evangelical Taiwanese church. It was awful, and my lasting memories are, quite frankly, scarring. I walkekd away from the church in my early twenties, fought about it with my mother for about ten years (while being intensely angry at a god I didn’t think existed), and then made my peace with it.
However, any time the word/concept of forgiveness comes up, I become incandescent with rage. Or at least I used to. it’s not as bad now, but I still involuntarily grimace when I hear/read the word. And no matter how people try to explain it in a positive way, I still view it as a negative.
“Forgiveness does not mean forgetting.”
“Forgiveness just means getting past the anger.”
“Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven.”
These are the common phrases, and they never fail to elicit a huge eyeroll from me (even if it’s mental).
I was reading an old Captain Awkward post, and the idea of forgiveness came up. One commenter made several comments that closely mirrored how I feel about it. I’m not going to say the name, but she talked about how it bothered her after she left her abuser how people wanted her to perform being a good victim by at least giving lip service to forgiving her abuser (paraphrasing).
I appreciated that she didn’t just push back on forgiveness itself, but that she embraced anger. She mentioned how anger helped her, and I really related to that. Growing up, I was told that any so-called negative emotion I showed was not ok. Oh, it wasn’t said in those specific words, but believe me, I knew it. By the look on my mother’s face. By the way my father shouted at me if I dared show I was not happy.
People were supportive, but there were still murmurs of, “Oh sure, anger for a while, but then–you let go of it, right?” To which she defiantly said that her anger was what healed her. Again, I’m paraphrasing, but she rejected the idea that you had to let go of your anger at any point.
Which was revolutionary. Many people will at least give lip service to anger being helpful for a time, but will then tack on that you have to let go of that anger at some point. This commenter was saynig that not only was anger helpful for her to get through leaving her abuser, it was still helpful in her healing and her daily life.
I think that’s what trips up people–the idea that anger can be goor and not just a necessary evil/bad. not just to be tolerated, but to be embraced and celebrated. Even as I write that, I find myself shying away from it.
Here’s where I get tripped up. People talking about forgetting, but quickly adding that it doesn’t mean you have to forget or let the other person back in their life. They say that it’s letting go of the anger and emphasize that it’s for the forgiver and not the forgivee.
Me, I strip out the Christian/forgiveness language, which makes me feel uncomfortable, and what is left? Feeling my anger, moving through it (or not), and then getting on with my life. Which is what they claim forgiveness is. (When added on ‘but not forgetting’). And this is where I get tripped up. Why call it forgiveness with a evry specific flavor of Christian tonality to it when you can just say, “I felt my feelings about it and now I’m in a good place with it.”
It’s essentially the same thing without the revulsion or the excuses, and it just feels so much better.
Another thing mentioned in that post was how forgiveness meant something drastically different to everyone, so it was nearly impossible to talk about it in a meaningful way. I would agree with that. I have yet to read a satisfactory definition of forgiveness–one that doesn’t make me want to rage.
I will say that the ones that at least acknowledge that there has to be work done by the perp before forgiveness can even be considered are the better of the lot. These days, it seems like there is a rush to get past the ‘repent and make amends’ part to get to the ‘happily ever after’. As several people have pointed out about the me-too movement, the focus was mostly on how the offenders could rehabilitate their image and get back to business as usual (minus the sexual assault) as quickly and quietly as possible.
It’s astonishing how much grace these men are given (and let’s be clear. The vast majority of the offenders are men). And how so many men are quick to give them succor. (Yeah, I chose that word deliberately. Deal with it.) Another nugget of wisdom I saw somewhere online was that so many men rushed to the defense of the perps because they could more easily put themselves in the shoes of the perps than the vics. Mostly because–male*.
It’s astonishing to me in 2026 that the gender divide is still so strong. I’ve said this before, but most guys who aren’t rampant sexists are still softly male-focused. Hm. Softly is not the word. I think I mean passively is a better word. Most men are passively male-focused. Meaning that the vast majorityy of the media they consume is by men (mostly white men). And it’s infuriating especially from liberal men because there’s an added layer of defensiveness. (“What, me? I can’t be sexist! I read Margaret Atwood in college!”)
Honestlty, I’m old and tired. And incandescently angry about the world right now. The last thing I need to do is explain 101 Sexism. I only have so many years left on this earth. I don’t want to spend whatever years I have left wasting my time.
*I am grossly simplifying the matter, of course. But I’m not trying to do a five-thousand word treatise on sexism and the patriarchy.