There’s a channel in the Discord that is my favorite channel. Why? Because it’s a place where we go to chat about love, lust, and a bunch of other things that was kept out of other channels (this happened before I joined the Discord).
We joke about it being where the filth goes to die, but it’s actually more wholesome than that most of the time. It’s about 90% love, identity, and struggles. It’s maaaaaaybe 10% filth, and even then, it’s rarely more than Rated R (in my opinion).
Side note: It fascinates me how in Kpop the showing of the stomach is considered something to scream and go gaga over. I think it’s because of how repressive the society is in general and how Kpop stars are supposed to be pure and innocent. See Victorian England for a similar vibe in which the showing of an ankle could be considered scandalous
I know I’m weird that I’m on the waaaaay other end of the spectrum in that I’m not shocked in the arts when actual genitalia is shown (not in and of itself. If it’s shown for shock value, I roll my eyes, but I’m not scandalized by it), let alone abs or tongue or whatnot. So take with a grain of salt what I’m saying about this channel.
Anyway, recently, Discord along with other SM services had warned that any +18 channels would have to go through a ridiculous and invasive verification process in order to continue being allowed into those channels. The channel I mentioned above had been made +18 at some point, and we were all concerned about it. We were talking about it in a more general channel, and some people wanted to keep it as is so the content creators the Discord belonged to would not get in trouble with Discord. These were people who did not even go into the channel.
Those of us who used it were arguing against keping it as it was because none of us wanted to do the verification process, but we didn’t want to give up the channel. People were focusing on the grot, and I finally said, “Here’s the thing. Grot is maybe 5% of the channel, and the rest of is it very wholesome. More to the point, it’s a place where queer people can gather and talk about things we don’t want to clog other channels with.” Some of those included talks about nonmonogamy, gender identity, friendship between different genders, and more. There were a few straights who chimed in now and again, but a big chunk of us were queer. In fact, that’s how I found out there were more queers in the Discord than I had realized.
It ended when one of the owners of the Discord inquired what was going on. He had forgotten he had made that channel 18+, and when reminded of how it happened, laughed and said it had been a joke. He took off the restriction after making us promise we’d all be good. We did; he did; and the channel continues to thrive.
The channel varies wildly on how much it’s used. It can go days without any traffic–if not a week or two. Then, somedays, it’s just constant messages. Today, there were a hundred messages in something like ten minutes. Someone joked that he walked away for five minutes and was gobsmacked when he returned.
One of my goals for this year was to find a queer Asian group to join. I have not looked yet, and I recognize the fear in me. I have yet to find a group that has felt supportive of me as I am. This is a good group (the Discord), but I’m pretty careful about what I say. Less so than I am in general, but still more so than if I could find a group with people more like me. A place when I don’t have to carefully explain what I mean by ENM, agender, areligious, and any other label I choose to affix to myself.
In this channel, I am reticent to trot out my labels because it’s just too much work sometimes. No one is every mean or rude about labels, but there is clearly a level of not understanding at times. Which, again, I know is the same in normie convos, but I don’t like it there, either. It’s always the decision of, “Do I want to make a fuss about this? Do I want to mention it at all? If so, how much do I want to explain it?”
There are some labels I’m adamant about and others that I don’t care as much about. But very rarely do I have to bring them up in written conversation. Taiwanese American is very basic and usually not a problem–unless I have to explain that Taiwanese is not the same as Chinese. Agender, I usually just let ‘she’ slide. I don’t care, really, if others call me ‘she’, but I don’t want to use the label myself for me. I’ve found this is a commen feeling, by the way. Many people don’t mind when others call them certain pronouns, but don’t feel comfortable saying those pronouns for themselves.
I don’t know why this is, exactly. For me, it’s because while I don’t mind lying about certain things, I don’t like lying about my identity. I don’t mind not saying anything, but I do mind verbalizing something about me that I know is not true. Other people calling me ‘she’? I can wince, shrug, and move on. Me calling myself ‘she’? Do. Not. Like. I have done it accidentally because I’m human and because I’ve called myself ‘she’ for most of my life. I’m not upset about it–as I said, it’s just a slight wince.
By the way, this week of only doing what I want for my practice (other than the stretching/warm ups) has been fantastic for me. It really has freed me up, and I feel much lighter. I’m still tired as fuck, but that’s because of my crazy sleep schedule. After this week, I have to figure out a away to have both structure and the freedom to change things up. I value both for different reasons.
Again, I veered wildly in this post, but that’s just the way I do. More tomorrow.