I’m back with the daily weather report (only because it’s been so wild lately). Last night, we hit freezing for a hot minute. Now, it’s a toasty 57 degrees, and it seems like we’re finally having spring. We’re actually supposed to hit 81 a week from Saturday. While I personally would be happy if we never went over eighty (seventy!), I know most people would not agree with me. Also, it’s really bad for the climate. At least I’m assuming the fact that we are perpetually in winter isn’t good for the climate in general.
So, last night, I managed to go to bed at three. Which, for me, is four to five hours earlier than usual. These days, anyway. And I managed to get eight-ish hours of sleep. Which, again, these days is a fucking miracle. See, I’ve been going to bed later and later, but I’ve been firm about getting up at the same time. This is the way I’ve been trying to fix my broken sleep schedule. I’ve said for some time that I’m trying to make it three to eleven because that’s about as normal as it gets for me. Also, that’s what actually works best fro me.
Side note: K and I have talked about this several times. When she was here, she was a night person like I was. Although she could not indulge in it the way I do because she’s a teacher. Which, as you probably know, has crazy early hours. That sometimes runs into very late hours. And once she had a kid, well, she had to sleep pretty much whenever she got an hour here and there. But back in those days, she was happiest with three to eleven like me.
I know all the experts say you should get to bed before midnight, blah, blah,blah. I have not gotten to bed before midnight since I was seven–except for the time right after my medical crisis. It only took a year for me to get back to going to bed around three in the morning, though.
I don’t know what kicked me into going to bed at five or six, but I feel like it’s a fairly recent event. Maybe the occupation of Minneapolis by ICE? Actually, that’s possible, but I feel it was a bit further back than that. At any rate, going to bed at seven in the morning (and I’ve gotten as late/early as nine) is too late even for me.
If I could make my sleep schedule three to eleven on the regular, I would be satisfied with that. There is no way I can make it much earlier than that. I have tried to target one in the morning, but that’s when I feel the most awake. Midnight to three or four, to be precise.
Side note II: I really wish there was more room in this world for people who are night owls. And that it wasn’t pathologized. I know there are studies that show that night owls are more likely to be depressed and a host of other things, but as I learned in Psych 101, correlation is not causation. Also, in my mind, it’s the other way around. I mean, they hypothesize that not sleeping at the ‘normal’ time causes depression, anxiety, and whatever else negative they’re saying it causes.
To me, it’s the fact the world runs on morning lark times, making it so hard for people who have a later circadian rhythm. In other words, it’s not the fact that we go to bed later–it’s that we don’t have any support for it. I mean, if you made the world run on night owl time and everything was on our schedule, I’m sure morning larks would be the ones suffering.
Side note III: This is one of the issues with any kind of medical study. You always have to take into account the bias of the question being asked. There is no such thing as an unbiased study because everybody has their biases, and those biases will show up. No matter how hard a person tries to neutralize their biases, they can’t completely do that.
A good scientist would recognize that about themselves, but unfortunately, they are often the worst at not recognizing their biases. They are also often the ones who buy conspiracy theories. The reason why is because they are so smart in their area of study, they believe they are that smart in everything else as well.
Plus, it’s really easy to buy your own hype when you’re that smart…ok. I wasn’t going to say it, but I will. Especially when you are already part of the norm. In other words, cishet men (mostly white). When the whole world is supporting your point of view, it’s easy to believe that it’s the only one.
My brother used to be this way. He’s probably the smartest person I know. It’s funny because one time he looked at me for a long moment and said quite seriously, “You’re almost as smart as I am.” And, yes, he meant it as a compliment. My response? “I”m smarter than you in some ways.” Which is true. When it comes to ‘hard’ subjects like tech and science, yes, he’s smarter than I am (but not by much). When it comes to English, communication, soft sciences, and EQ, I’m smarter than he is.
Of course, most people put way more emphasis on the former than the latter, but both are important. And, because I’m gifted in the latter, I realize that. Yes, I’m being sarcastic, but it’s also true. Soft skills are so underrated, but we would really feel the lack of them if no one had them. I am neurodivergent and may not see the reason that small talk is necessary, but I can simultaneously accept that it makes most people feel comfortable before getting down to business.
I find the whole topic of small talk fascinating because while I hate it and find it meanngless, I’m also really fucking good at it. I mean, like scary good. I can put people at ease in no time flat (the vast majority of people). I can’t tell you how I do it because it’s so automatic by this point. Actually, I’m not sure how I’d do in a crowd of strangers that I have to talk to because I haven’t been in that position in quite some time.
I will say that it makes me feel like a phony when I do it, but I’ve accepted that. When you have a weird (neurodivergent) brain, you just give in to the fact that you’re always going to feel wrong.
Side note whatever number: It makes me smile wryly whenever anyone says, “Be you!” Again, usually people who are in the majority and neurotypical. Not only do they not really mean it or only mean it within a narrow slice of weirdness, but oftentimes they don’t actually believe it when they say it. Those who do mean it are actually more frustrating because it’s harder to get them to see where they’re fooling themselves.
I’m done for today. And I finished the post before midnight! I’m on a new track; let’s see how long I can make it last.