Today at Ask A Manager, there is a question about a scented product. As someone who is allergic to almost everything under the sun, it was of keen interest to me. At Ask A Manager, she asks that we take the letter writer at their word. That doesn’t mean we can’t question the LW about their perception, but we are to accept that what they write is true to them. I think this is fair. What I’ve noticed, though, is that a good writer can slant things completely in their direction (whether they mean to or not).
In this case, notice the description of Jane and how the LW leans on the fact that she thinks Jane is having a tantrum (basically). I’ll get to that in a minute, but first, more about me.
I am allergic to everything under the sun. I was recently lamenting on Twitter as to how all I want are unscented (but I mean fragrance-free) products. They are so fucking hard to find and, no, ‘spring rain’ is not an acceptable substitute. One of the worst reactions I’ve ever had was to a Febreze scent called Spring Rain or something like that. I was trying to mask the smell of cat piss, and I figured that would be the closest to nature that I could get. I sprayed it and I could not breathe. I ran from the hallway and opened up all the windows in the house. I was gagging for the next hour.
Another example was that my brother recently got into essential oils. He carries bottles of them with him and sniffs them to calm himself down. He thrust a bottle at me once and told me to smell it. Like an idiot, I did. I said like an idiot because I knew it was going to be something that
I would be allergic to.
When I was a kid, I got allergy shots every week. I didn’t know why; I just knew they made me miserable. I’d get the shot, sit for half an hour while my arm swelled up like a balloon, and then was allowed to leave. This happened every week until suddenly, it stopped.
It wasn’t until much later than I realized (when I was able to Google it) that they were injecting me with whatever I was allergic to in order to try to desensitize me. They probably stopped when it didn’t work. It never got smaller. My arm just stayed swollen for the whole half hour before we left. Any time I got the dreaded allergen test, it was thirty or so dots on my thigh. All of them would swell until it was one huge swollen bubble. I cannot tell you how awful that made me feel and how much I dreaded it.
Back to my brother’s bottle of poison, er essential oil. I unthinkingly smelled it. My head snapped back, and I’m sure I grimaced as I thrust the bottle back at my brother. It was lavender, which was something I was most decidedly allergic to. Had I known it was lavender, I would not have smelled it at all. I don’t care how natural it is, it’s terrible to me.
Let’s not even talk about the poinsettia I was given at Christmas by my boss when I worked for the county that caused my throat to close. Oh, wait. I just did. The kicker was when I tried to ask her the next year not to give me one. I didn’t ask for anything as a replacement–just not to be given a plant that could kill me. Nope. My boss said she had to give it to me because it was tradition to give all admin assistants poinsettias. I can’t remember if I was still there by the second year.
So, I’m pretty sensitive (ha!) about the issues of scents. I am as free as possible when I use products. There are some scented shampoos that are ok, but in general, I go for as plain as possible. In the letter I mentioned above, imagine if it had been written by Jane.
Dear AAM, I am sensitive to all scents. There is a coworker I have who I work with maybe three times a week for 10 minutes. Recently, I’ve noticed that she wears a perfume that makes my throat close up and my eyes water. I know it’s not the most professional, but I immediately flinch and wave my hands to try to clear my sinuses. It doesn’t help, so I sent her an email asking her not to wear her perfume. She hasn’t responded. What should I do next?
I imagine the response would have been much kinder than suck it up, buttercup (which more than one person commented in response to the original letter, as to what Jane needed to do). Even if Jane was acting unprofessionally by making faces and waving her hands, which, again, might just be instinctive, that doesn’t negate the fact that if she does have sensitivities, then the LW is being a bit of a jerk. It doesn’t matter if it’s only for a few minutes at a time that they interact–that’s not how sensitivities work. It doesn’t matter that LW’s friends don’t think the shampoo smell is strong–they might not have sensitivities. It doesn’t matter if Jane is being a jerk about it–people with sensitivities can be jerks, too (although I don’t think she actually is).
More than one person said LW should force Jane to go to HR and get official accommodations, but why go nuclear first?
Like I said, my response is colored by the fact that I have a shitty immune system AND sensitivities/allergies AND I died twice in part because of the former. There was a comment in response to the letter in which the commenter mentioned a family of women who have had cancer and how doing their hair afterwards was so important to them. And, while not wanting to downplay that (but, of course, I am going to do just that), that’s not an actual accommodation need. Otherwise, I could trot out my own medical horror as justification for why I wanted to do something the way I wanted to do it. Or rather, I could use it as a reason I’d be justified in asking for the LW to stop using her shampoo because I actually am allergic to everything under the sun and it was my shitty immune system that lead to me having non-COVID-related walking pneumonia, two cardiac arrests, and an ischemic stroke. I’m extremely lucky that I’m able to work from home and on my own schedule because then I don’t have to put up with ignorant people claiming that scent allergies don’t exist.
Let me be clear. It doesn’t matter if I only smell it for a second. If I can smell it from a few feet away (per the LW’s own words), it’s too much. There is no ‘clean hair smell’ (also her own words)–that’s all product. I’m not saying all products are bad, but it’s not the hair. She also uses gel, so it could be that as well. But her question of, “Can I just ignore the email?” really rubbed me the wrong way.
For me, I ignore smells as best I can. I breathe in through my mouth if I can’t avoid a smell, and the only reason I would bring it up is if it reaches a point where I simply cannot ignore it any longer. So to read the LW dismiss it as Jane being high-maintenance or dramatic irks the fuck out of me.
The majority of the responses are on the ‘yes, Jane is annoying (which, again, I don’t agree with), but she has a point’ side, which is heartening. But there are still way too many answers which are on the ‘Jane needs to STFU’ side.
I am sympathetic to hair discrimination. But, I still think my need to breathe supersedes the need to have ‘good’ curls. And the people dismissing it as people snowflakes/fragile flowers are missing the fucking point. For some people, sensitivities mean death. It really is that blunt. For the vast majority of the things I’m sensitive/allergic to, the reaction is just physical revulsion (including watering eyes and runny nose) for a few seconds because I remove myself from the scent immediately. If I have to smell it even for a minute, I do not know how severe my reaction would be.
In the case of this LW, moving the location of the meeting or doing it by Zoom/phone/Teams seems to be a good compromise. And a little more compassion on both sides.