I hate Christmas, and I have since I was a kid. I found out there was no Santa Claus when I was seven or eight. I got up early Christmas morning to check the stockings, and there was nothing in them. I went to tell my mom, and she told me to go back to bed for an hour or so. I did, then went back to check, and, lo, and behold! There was stuff in my stocking. I put two and two together and came up with four, but I didn’t tell my mom because who doesn’t like presents? That’s not the reason I don’t like Christmas, however. It’s because of all the crass commercialism that surrounds it, covered in the veneer of gooey emotions. I even wrote an editorial about it when I was in junior high school, bemoaning how capitalism had corrupted Christmas. That was over thirty years ago, and it’s only gotten worse since.
Why am I writing about it now, well before Halloween if I hate it so much? Aren’t I just contributing to the problems? No, I’m not. I’m reacting to the fact that I saw two Christmas commercials today during the Vikings game. One was Star Wars-themed and for Duracell batteries, and I can’t tell you what the other one was for because I started freaking out when I saw it. It’s not even fucking Halloween yet, and they’re showing this shit? I have begrudgingly accepted that Christmas lasts all through November and December, but I will not brook it creeping into October as well. I don’t care for holidays in general, but Halloween is the one I like the most. The costumes, the candy, the pagan basis, the turn-off-the-lights-and-pretend-not-to-be-home, it’s great. It deserves its own month as a welcome to autumn, which is my second favorite season. Winter is my first, and I don’t like that it’s overtaken by Christmas.
Here’s the thing. I don’t hate Christmas for itself. I’m not a Christian, but I don’t mind if Christians want to celebrate the birth of Jesus, even if it’s at the wrong time and is grafted over pagan rituals. It’s no skin off my nose. As for the gather with the family and eat a ton of turkey/ham until you pass out tradition, to each his own, I guess. Although, I will say that the theme of forced family togetherness is annoying and potentially alienating for some people. I wrote a post a while back about what to do if you’re not feeling merry around Christmas, and I got a lot of heartfelt responses in the comment section, on Twitter, on Facebook. It’s hard to watch all the cheer and everyone getting hyped for Christmas if you’re not feeling it for one reason or another. Maybe you just lost a loved one or went through a messy divorce. Perhaps you’re estranged from your family and haven’t talked to them in years. Maybe your children don’t answer your calls, and you’re wondering what’s going on. Or you’ve been diagnosed with an incurable disease. There are plenty of reasons you may not be feeling jolly for the holidays and hearing that you should be 24/7 is a guaranteed way to make your mood even sourer. I can attest to that. The more I see people being all holly and jolly for the holidays, the more bitter I become. Grinch gets a bad name, but I can feel his pain. All he wants is to be left alone to live his life in Grinchly peace, but the annoying Whoville pipsqueak can’t shut her damn trap for a hot second.
Can you tell how much I hate Christmas? The worst part is that if you express this sentiment, people get mad. They accuse me of ruining their holiday if I don’t play along with their schmaltzy bullshit. You’re probably saying, “You sound a tad bitter, Minna.” Yes, I do. However, I don’t express it very vocally because I recognize that most people love this time of year–or at least profess to do so. It’s just hard to bite my tongue when I see all the Christmas shit around me. War on Christmas? I wish. I get that people like Christmas for whatever reason. But, is it so difficult to understand that there are some of us that are either neutral to it or hate it? Yes, we are in the minority, but does that mean we can’t speak out about it? It’s frustrating to me that I have to keep my mouth shut so I don’t make the majority feel uncomfortable about a fabricated holiday. And, I wouldn’t feel the need to speak out against it quite so loudly if I weren’t engulfed in it for two fucking months. Snow hasn’t even fallen on the ground yet, and I’m seeing Christmas commercials about a reality that doesn’t exist.
Too many people get caught up in what the holidays should be, which can be an added stressor. Who is going to host. Which family are we going to? Who’s making what for the Christmas feast. Who’s getting what when it comes to presents. Which relative should we invite and which should we ignore? And, heaven help us if there’s some kind of Christmas function at work. I remember doing Secret Santas at the first place I worked out of college. It was highly stressful, and I didn’t enjoy it at all. I’d only been working there six months and didn’t really know the person I had gotten, so I felt lost as to what to get her. I tend to go all-out for these kinds of things, and I always go over the top. It’s inevitable that I’ll feel disappointed about what I get as well as embarrassed by not knowing the unwritten rules as to what is appropriate in these situations. It’s one of my gripes about traditions in general–there are so many things I don’t know about them, things that other people intuit naturally.
In addition, it’s being around many people at one time, which is not something I ever enjoy. I have mild forms of agoraphobia and claustrophobia, though they’ve gotten better over the years, and I’m at my worst when I’m in the middle of a crowd of people I don’t know. I can deal with it for about twenty minutes before I start feeling trapped. After an hour, I have to leave or I’ll completely lose it. Any time I’m around people who are more mainstream than I am, I’m acutely aware that I’m a freak. What’s normal tome is an anathema to them and vice-versa. Talking about eggnog and Christmases past is of no interest to me, and I have a hard time hiding my boredom when I’m completely not engaged.
It grates on my nerves to be told that we should be kind to each other this time of year. What about the rest of the year? Does it not matter then? I know that’s not supposed to be the message, but that’s how it comes across. That’s my gripe with holidays in general, however. The implication that this is the only day in the year to do x, y, or z. I understand that it’s more about taking the one day to make sure you appreciate a certain person in your life, be it your lover, mother, father, etc., but it seems like it would be better to appreciate that person year-round, rather than just make a big show of it on one day.
Side note: Can we stop with all the additional made-up holidays? It seems like every day is a national day of something or other, and it’s a bit tiresome. I propose a moratorium on adding new holidays unless we take one away as well. The total number should not exceed twenty-five*.
My biggest problem with Christmas is how fucking commercialized it’s become, in case you couldn’t guess. As I said, I wrote an editorial in the school newspaper about it over thirty years ago, and it’s only gotten exponentially worse since. All of the commercials creating this false cheer for the sole purpose of selling products irritates me beyond belief. Yes, I know that’s what ads are for, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still be irritated by them. Does anyone really fall for that shit? They must because we haven’t been able to get rid of commercials yet, even though people watch them less and less. It’s so easy to mute them or fast-forward through them if you’re watching something on DVR. I don’t know why companies bother making them any longer. Christmas commercials especially offend me because they blatantly play on people’s expectations of the holidays, of being part of a loving, intact nuclear family.
The two worst offenders are jewelry companies and car companies. The former offend me as a woman by linking love with material goods. “If you really love me, you’ll buy me this $10,000 diamond necklace for Christmas.” That’s the basic gist of jewelry commercials, and it’s insulting that they’re saying a woman’s love is purchasable. Basically, they’re calling women high-class whores who’ll only show affection if the price is right. Oh, sure, they couch it in terms of, “She deserves it for being such a good girlfriend/wife”, but it’s still the basic message. “I put up with your stanky ass for years, so I should get a honking diamond for my troubles.” Whenever I see, “Every kiss begins with Kay”, I instinctually think, “That Kay is such a ho.” I am not a big fan of diamonds because of the way they are harvested and because I’m a practical person who doesn’t care for much gilding. When I see a diamond and, more importantly, the price, I think of a hundred things I would rather spend money on than a rock that just sits on my body somewhere. Even if I were a gem kind of gal, I wouldn’t ever buy one from a company that makes me seem like a gold-digger. There really is no good way to sell a diamond, though, because it’s useless. There’s no practical purpose for it, and now that they’re able to create synthetic ones, there’s no reason to inflict suffering on African children to procure real ones.
Car companies have always been awful with their Christmas commercials. “Just put a bow on it as it sits in the driveway. Merry Christmas!” Who the hell can afford that? A brand new car for Christmas? Yes, maybe they’re paying monthly installments, but that’s not very cheery, is it? It just seems so extravagant and out of touch with regular people. Who the hell gives a car for Christmas? I mean, people who don’t make six-figures a year. So, yeah. I never liked car Christmas commercials, but they’ve gotten even worse in the past year or two. I saw one** that had the usual car sitting in the driveway with a bow. As the happy wife was hugging her husband, a purportedly-nicer car with a bow slowly drives by the house. The wife’s face turns sour, and the implication is clear. “If you really loved me, you would have bought me that car, not this one.” How fucked up is that? The wife god a perfectly good new car for Christmas, was happy for two seconds, then became dissatisfied when she saw the other car. Probably a Lexus or a Mercedes. I’m just making that up, but it’s not impossible. To me, this commercial is a microcosm of capitalism gone rampant in America. The stuff you have isn’t good enough. Some new stuff isn’t good enough. It has to be the right (and most expensive) new stuff in order to be good enough, and then you have to upgrade it in a year or two. I found this commercial extremely repellent, but an apt metaphor for America in general.
I’m already tired of Christmas after seeing two commercials, so I can’t imagine how grumpy I’ll be in a month. I’m sure this isn’t the last time I’ll write about my hatred of this season, so be properly forewarned.
*It’s an arbitrary number, but it’s a good one.
**I don’t know which company because I mute all commercials as quickly as possible.