Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: traditions

At a loss for words, part six

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I honestly don’t understand many societal norms. People (read, my mother mostly) think I’m a contrarian, but I’m not. Or rather, that isn’t my intent. It’s just that I truly don’t understand the mindset of society much of the time.

I was reading an old Ask A Manager post (from about ten years ago, I think) about whether a woman had to shave her legs for a job interview 9or for a job in general). There was a sizeable number of people who insisted that it was ‘gross’ if she didn’t. That body hair, and in particular women’s body hair, was gross/unprofessional/unacceptable in the office.

It reminded me of a much more recent post (meaning after my medical crisis or maybe right before it, but definitely during/post COVID) in which there was an argument about bras in the workplace. Again, some people were more than adamant that a woman HAD to wear a bra in the office because it was gross otherwise. I don’t remmeber if the word ‘gross’ was used in this case, but there was many an ‘unprofessional’ being thrown around.

I made a comment that if I were covered up and nips weren’t showing, why did it matter? I said I would absolutely walk over this (the Letter Writer had mentioned that in her office, they were–OK. I just looked it up. It was in 2023, and the vast majority were women who were virulent in their support of bras. Or rather, virulent in their disdain for women* who decided not to wear them.

There were women who said it was a privileged position to choose to quit over it or make it your hill to die on, but that’s the whole point of having privilege/hills to die on. As to the first, part of checking your privilege should be followed by doing things that people who aren’t in your privileged position can’t do in order to make life better for everyone. Otherwise, what’s the point? As to the latter, you don’t get to decide what is a a hill to die on for someone else.

There were several people who were adamant that it was professional and that you should follow the dress code of your office (though it wasn’t in the dress code of the LW). Someone asked quite reasonably if the dress code was that you could not wear a bra in the office, would they ‘suck it up’ (which someone mentioned) and rip off their bra?

I wasn’t surprised that most people were pro-bra; I was surprised how vicious they got in going for the status quo, though. As more than one person pointed out, things didn’t change without people agitating for that change.

The number of women who said no one wanted to see the jiggling and/or they wouldn’t hire a woman that didn’t wear a bra, sadly, was not surprising. Women often are the ones to hold up the patriarchy, which is one of the greatest tricks of man. If they  can get women to do it for them, then they can spend less time on it.

(Resisting to go on a rant about the patriarchy and dieting, which is not the point of this post.)

I can’t understand getting all worked up over something so meaningless. Tellingly, one person did the slippery slope argument and said that what next, no pants? It’s always wild to me when people do the slippery slope argument and then bust out something ridiculous. My mother did it when I told her I was bi–she said, “What next, animals?”


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Wish (kind of) that I could be normal, part three

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My sleep is shit. It’s always been shit, but there are ups and downs to it. Now, I’m in a down time, and I’m having such difficulty going to bed. In the past, I’ve had trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, and getting enough sleep (though not necessarily at the same time. Though also not NOT necessarily at the same time).

The only time I have not have problems with my sleep was in the hospital and about a year following after I returned home. I was heavily drugged, and it was so wonderful. I understood why people did drugs after that. I felt like a million bucks and nothing hurt. About three weeks after i returned home, I started feeling my body again. Little aches and pains, and I realized, “Oh, I acutally have to return to my body.” I was not happy about it, but there wasn’t anything I could do.

My point is that my sleep is on difficulty mode just like everyithing else in my life. It’s been my nemesis since I was a kid, and I haven’t made much progress in all the years since.

That’s not completely right. I have times when I make painful progress with my sleep, only to fall back into a terrible pattern once again. Then,  I berate myself for not getting to bed earlier. It’s six-thirty in the morning. I should be in bed. I am not, though, and I will probably not be for another half hour at least. More like an hour.

I try not to beat myself up because that doesn’t help. In fact, it hurts in that the shame makes me even less likely to go to bed at a decent time. Normally, I can make incremental changes, but I don’t feel capable of doing that right now. I’m not sure why, but I have a hunch it has something to do with the hopelessness I feel at the world around me.

When I got a tight eight hours a night after my medical crisis, I felt amazing. I could not believe how good it felt because I never get that much sleep a night unless I’m sick. Or if I hadn’t slept in a very long time. Otherwise, though, I am lucky if I get seven hours in aggregate. This is me reverting to the mean, and I’m not happy about it.


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What I’m loyal to, part seven

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Let’s talk more about brand loyalty. I don’t have any because I’m more utilitarian than anything. In yesterday’s post, I talked about why I don’t have brand loyalty, and I want to expand on why I don’t. I’m pretty sure it has somtehing to do with my neurodivergence, but I can’t say with 100% certainty.

Here’s the thing. I do not feel any loyalty towards things, be they brands, teams (yes, they are made up of people, but not people I know. Plus, I’m talking specifically about “the team”), or individual products. I can be inttensely loyal toward individual people, but even that has it’s limits.

I don’t believe in unconditional love; I just don’t. Why? Because to me, that’s how you abuse happens and is enabled. I know you can set limits and boundaries with someone you love, but there’s so much pressure to love someone no matter what. So many people believe that love means allowing the other person to walk all over you. I don’t agree with t hat, and I want no part of that. In addition, Toxic love is not unconditional love, but so many people believe the former is the latter.

An even more toxic version is, “You do everything for me, but I’ll do nothing for you (except maybe hurt you).” I see that a lot, and it’s disturbing to me. Brand loyalty is similar to me because the expectation to be loyal to a brand is pushed by people who aren’t affiliated with any given product.

I know there is something different with my brain because I just don’t undrestand the ride-or-die way people get with things/products/groupsl/teams they like. I can appreciate really liking something, but if that something no longer brings me satisfaction, then it’s time to go. I have heard so many people say about teams that if you bail when things get bad, then you’re not a true fan. What’s more, you don’t deserve to celebrate when they win. Also, that it’s more meaningful if you go through all the pain with the team as they are losing.

I want to make it clear that I actually agree with the basis for this. Knowing the hard times does make the good times better. Where I disagree is with the gatekeeping. I don’t see how it takes away from a longtime fan’s enjoyment if someone who’s only followed the team for a year is elated when their team wins.

This is me for everything, though. Someone else’s enjoyment of something has no affect on my own. Just like if someone wants to play a From game “wrong”, it has no affect on how I play the games. Or if someone liked Liz Phair’s album that was deliberately made to be more commercial/mainstream/palatable, that doesn’t take away from her more experimental works. In fact, if people get hooked on the former, that may open them up to listening to the latter.


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Loyalty is a four-letter word, part six

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Yesterday, I was going to talk about why I don’t do brand loyalty when I veered into my dissatisfaction with the newest Elden Ring Tarnished DLC. I’t was only five dollars, but it should have een free. All the spoilers here–it was two new classes with base weapons from the Shadow of the Erdtree DLC, two invasions that give you a set of armour and a weapon each, and three skins for Torrent, my best boy. Unlike any other company, FromSoft does not just give you the skins–oh no. They make you work for them. I detailed all of that in yesterday’s post, and I’m still not ok with this DLC costing actual money.

Just because they’re my favorite developers, it doesn’t mean that they get a free pass.  This is something I’ve never understand–total brand loyalty. Or team loyalty. I don’t find it admirable to be loyal to something no matter what. To a person…well, to a certain extent. I am very loyal to my close friends, and I have a hard time imagining a situation in which I would walk away.

On the other hand, we are talking about less than a handful of people in that group. Other than them, I am loyal to other friends to a lesser degree. But I have walked away from friends in the past, and I could see m e doing it again.

Here’s the thing. Outside that handful of people, I don’t love anyone else to extent that I would be willing to help them bury bodies, so to speak. I listen to a content creator who makes it very clear that he considers loyalty no matter what one of the most important things in a friend. He’s got that “I’m joking, but I’m really not” tone when he talks about it.

Side note: I’m getting a bit tired of hipster whatever-ism. It just seems like a way to be able to say really shitty things with a veneer of ‘just kidding’ wrapped around it. You’re still getting to say that shitty thing with your full chest. I’m not ok with that. As someone who is besieged on all sides from the current administration of my country, I don’t need to hear the ‘jokes’ from people I’m giving money to.

Side note to the side note: I’m done with cishetwhitemen when it comes to content creation. I’m tired of it, and I need to expand my universe. So from now on, I will only watch people who are minorities and preferably in more than one way. I’ve talked about this in the past with friends. In my personal life, I am not against banging someone in that category, but they would have to be pretty exceptional. Like, really fucking (no pun intended) exceptional. I was talking to a friend who did not have much experience with people in that category, and she was all about it.

I did not blame her. She was new to the charms of men, and if I were in her shoes, I would be all up in it as well. But, for me, I’ve dated them all my life, and I was done. Not only because they exepcted certain things from Asian AFAB people, but just because…how do I put this politely…I’m tired of them.

I love the ones I know who are my friends and precious to me. But Now, I jsut do not want to seek them out. I’m pragmatic, though. I live in a state that is the vast majority white people.


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Why I’m against traditions and brand loyalty, part five

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I want to talk about brand loyalty, and I want to tie it into my musings on tradition. Will I be able to make connect them? I don’t know, but I’m sure as hell going to try. Why am I thinking about brand loyalty? Because From’s The Duskbloods is purportedly coming out soon, and I have been musing on it. Why? Because if there’s one ‘brand’ I’m loyal to, it’s FromSoft. And, this feels almost like heresy, I am starting to lose trust. But first. Here is my post from yesterday in which I talk about what traditions I eschewed when I was in my twenties.

Here me out.

I have never been the target audience for From games. I suck at them, and it takes me twice as long to finish one as it does most people. The first time through, I mean. Quickest I’ve done a playthrough is 10 hours to get the last achievement I needed to plat the game, and that was on NG+. It can be done in two hours or less, but I didn’t want to rush that much. I felt pretty accomplished doing the whole game in 10 hours when my first playthrough took 250+ hours.

I adore Elden Ring and Shadow of the Erdtree. Put together, it’s my favorite game of all time. I’m doing my umpteenth playthrough beacuse FromSoft released…uh, it’s like this. They put the game on the Switch 2. Which, fine. Put it on as many platforms as possible. In addition, thouugh, they sold the Tarnished DLC on all platforms. It was five dollars for…horse arrmor. I’m not joking. Well, I’m making a pointed joke beacuse when Bethesda sold horse armor DLC for Skyrim there was an outcry.

In this case, I forgive it because I like being able to dress uup Torrent, my beloved spirit steed. He is best boy by far, and he deserves a ‘fit or two. I’m going to spoil what’s in the DLC because it’s relevant to this post, so this is your warning.

FromSoft is in love with making things as obtuse as possible. Most devs would just give you the armor and call it a day. Not FromSoft. This is the same devs who had to show jourrnalists how to access the DLC for Dark Souls, by the way, beacuse it was so obtuse. In this case, there are three Torrent armors, and where you find each makes sense in terms of areas. However, the exact place you find two of them don’t really make sense. And in the case of the first one, it’s put in a room I hadn’t been in since my first playthrough because there was nothing in it.


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Standing tall against gatekeeping and mindless traditions, part four

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Let’s talk more about traditions and why I’m against them. In the last post, I veered sharply into waxing poetic about K because she just gets me. I marvel that in  our thirty-plus years of friendship, we’ve only vigorously argued twice. And it was for like five minutes each time. I don’t have to suppress myself when I’m around her, which is so damn refreshing.

It surprised me that we hit it off so well because quite frankly, I’m not used to that. I can make the small talk and act all polite and shit. I can make people feel like I’m their bestie when I have no interest in them whatsoever. I get the charisma from my father and the push to be the social lubricant from my mother. That sounds gross, but I don’t know quite how to put it.

Asian people put a lot of stock in face. Saving it and allowing others to save it, to be precise. There was such a heavy emphasis on face in my family, and I thought it crossed into secrecy. In other words, it went beyond what was standard and normal in Taiwanese culture and crossed into dysfunction.

My parents had a very byzantine unspoken maze of rules that they just assumed I (and my brother) would know. My mother made it quite clear what she expeced in some ways (such as me being the perfect doll daughter tha she so dreamed of), but had so many unspoken expectations that I only discoverd as I tripped over them. And  not because she would speak up about it after I bumped into them, but becauseof her negative reaction. Yes, I still had to decipher her response, but I knew it was negative. I could feel the disdain/upset/disapproval radiating from her when she was unhappy with me (which seemed to be all the time).

I was a miserable kid, and I first started wanting to die when I turned seven. Not coincidentally, that was the same time when I first realized I was going to die. I remember when I was a tweener, someone told me to enjoy that time because it was the best time of someone’s life. i remember thinking, “If this is the best it gets, then I might as well die now.” I was miserble all the time and in constant emotional pain.

Every step I took out of the norm was hard, but it was ultimately a relief. The big one I’ve talked about several times was realizing I didn’t have to have children. This was when I was twenty, and I can’t emphasize how much of a weight that lifted off my shoulders. It’s one hell of a realization to make at that age, too.


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More musing about Christmas (which I don’t really celebrate), part two

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I’ve given some more thought as to Christmas, which is now done with. The Discord I’m in is very Christmas-forward, and I was thinking about what feeling the dozens of ‘Merry Christmas’ comments engendered in me. As you might expect, the answer to that is ‘it’s complicated’. Here is my post from yesterday.

Twenty years ago, I would have been quietly fuming as I studiously ignored the comments. I might have stayed off the Discord for the week of Christmas because it would irk me so much. Even then, I would realize that it’s my issue and not the issue of the people in the Discord (well, to some extent. The relentless pushing of Christmas is a societal priblem, yes, but not one solevd by railing against any individual or even collective celebration. But then when? That’s a neverending question, sadly).

Ten years ago, I would have read them and ignored them, feeling a twinge of irritation, but otherwise just accepting it’s part of being in the West. Christmas is big. There is nothing I can do about it, so might as well accept it with a modicum of grace. This wasn’t for society, by the way, but for me. It’s not fun going through the entire month of December being incandescent with rage.

Now, while I still don’t celebrate, I’m more than happy to share in the joy of others who do. Be it pictures of family events/happy pets/good food, etc., or just talking about what they did, it makes me happy when my friends are happy.

Side note: When I realized that I was ENM, one thing that was an eye opener for me was that I was happy when someone I loved was happy, even if that was with another person. I mean, I knew when I was younger that I didn’t feel the same about monogamy as other people do, it didn’t really hit me until decades later that it was more than just I don’t care if someone I love looks elsewhere.

It actually makes me happy because I want the people I love to be happy. And I don’t think any one person can be everything to another person. I also did not see how a beloved’s relationship with someone else had any impact on their relationship with me.

I get it intellectually, but not emotionally. If someone I love is hapy, then why shouldn’t I be happy? The only time I care is if I feel my relationship with the person is suffering, and that has nothing to do with the other person my loved one is interested in.

How did I get there from musing about Christmas? I think I can make a tenuous connection in that I’ve reached the point where I don’t care if other people like Christmas or not. It makes me happy that it makes my loved ones happy to celebrate. I wish everyone a Merry Christmas if I know they celebrate it, then I go about my own business. I have whittled down the lest of people I buy presents for to one–K. We exchange gifts, and she gives the best ones. This year, she gave me a stuffed snowflake to represent my love of winter and snow. I gave her a retro print of three bright pink/red tulips.

In thanking me, she said that tulips were one of her favorite flowers. I did not know that, but I really vibed with the painting when I saw it as I was shopping for K. I know she loves flowers, and she’s a bright light in my world. Something about the tulip painting spoke to me. It was by a local (to her) artist, which made it even better.


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In the name of tradition

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I’m always fascinated by traditions because I don’t get them. I mean, I get what they are and that they exist, but I don’t understand why they are so important. my mother once impatiently snapped at me, “Something being traditional doesn’t automatically make it bad!” To which I replied, “It doesn’t make it automatically good, either.” She did not like that at all.

My father has twice commented on me getting married. Once, it was whten we were at my cousin’s wedding (horrifying because she lost both her first AND her last name. And the pastor said that the most important thing for a wife is to be loved, but for a husband, it’s to bo respected. And he compared the wife to a rice cooker. AND he said that the husband should make all the decisions because he could be trusted to make the decioson that is the best for the family. After the wedding, another cousin of mine and I were talking about it. He said that if the husband loved the wife, he would make a decision that benefitted both of them. I said if that’s the case, why couldn’t the wife make all the decisions? Presuming that she loved her husband as well. He looked flummoxed and managed to sputter out, “Tradition”. Not an acceptable answer for me), and my father said that he didn’t think he could ‘give me away’. I managed to repress a full-body shudder and say evenly, “Well, I wouldn’t do that if I ever got married, so you don’t have to worry about it.” What I wanted to say was, “What makes you think you would be the person I would ask to do that if I were so inclined? Which I am not because it’s antiquated, sexist, and gross?”

The second time was after he visited a castle in Banff, Canada. Apparently, they rented out a room for weddings. I know this because my father mentioned it and said he would rent it for me if I got married. I looked at him in horror. It was as if he didn’t know me (which he did not). Again, I had to repress a shudder. A castle? What the fuck did he think I was? A princess? That was so unlike me, it actually creeped me out. The idea of me in a castle was horrifying. That was the exact opposite of my jam, and anyone who had even a rudimentary knowledge of me would realize this. But this is the same man who offered my brother a sports car if he married a Taiwanese woman, so there was that.

This is to show that his idea of weddings was sexist as fuck and very traditional. I had no desire to get married and even if I did want to get married, I would never do it in a church or a castle or anything like that. I would probably go to the Justice of the Peace and just do that. Or elope. But I have no desire to marry. I honestly don’t see the point. This is just me, and I’m disparaging other people who do want to get married.

I don’t understand how it makes the commitment greater. Especially since so many people get divorced. I know people don’t go into marriage thinking they’re going to get divorced, but it’s a big possibility. I read somewhere once someone who reviewed their vows with their partner every five years. If they agreed they were on the same page, they updated contract and agreed to review it in another five years. I get that it seems too clinical and cold for some people, but it makes sense to me.

I also don’t think relationships ending necessarily means it’s a failuure. Same with ending friendships. Some relationships just run their courses, and it’s the best for everyone involved to call it a day. I guess I just don’t understand the need to spend thousands of dollars (the wedding I mentioned above was $100,000) for one day.

I do understand about wanting to celebrate a new milestone in your life with family and friends. But I don’t get why people get so caught up in it if it’s not exactly the way they want it to be. Like, isn’t the rest of it (the marriage itself) way more important? From what I’ve heard, you don’t even remember most of the day beacuse it’s such a blur.

I read about all the people (women, mostly), who get so caught up in every little detail. There’s a reason Bridezilla is a thing. But, it’s also because women are expected to care about this kind of thing. Not just for their wedding, but in general. Women are judged so harshly for how they look. Too fat, too skinny, too hot, too dowdy. Too made-up, too granola. There is no just right because that’s the point. If you can keep women constantly trying to live up to the ideal vision of what a woman should be, well, then they may not notice the inequity or have the wherewithal to fight it.

Plus, from the time they are little, girls are told that their worth are in their looks. I have mostly stopped reading Slate’s advice columns both because the advice itself is horrific, but also because the commentariat is, well, terrible. But there was a recent letter from a man who did not want his wife to get their baby girl’s ears pierced. As in three months or so. The vast majority of the comments (including from the columnist herself) said that this was normal–having a baby’s ears pierced, I mean. I was horrified. I know there are cultures that do this, but this was mostly American people who did it ‘just because’.

It really bothered me on many levels. One, why only the girls? That’s inherently sexist. Two, it’s so needless. why not let them choose to do so when they are older? Yeah, this is partly because I have had so many piercings get infected, but there is jsut no reason for this. It’s purely decorative, and it’s not letting them have a choice as to what to do to their bodies. I was aghast at how many women (and, yes, it was mostly women) just glossed over all this. “It’s cute” is not a reason to punch holes in your baby’s ears.

They tried to defend it by saying that it was easier to keep the holes clean in a baby than make a preteen do it on her own, but that’s not the point. If that’s the case, why not give them a belly piercing and a lip piercing while you’re at it? Or tattaoo eyeliner on their eyes? I am not shocked by much, but this really, well, not shocked, but surprised the fuck out of me. It’s so…unnecessary. There is absolutely no reason to do it. I don’t think it’s the same as putting your kid in a cute dress or something. This is branding them as GIRL at an age when they can’t consent to that. And treating them as GIRL from the moment they’re born. I do not get this at all. And I don’t think it’s because I’m agender. Or maybe it is. But your kid is not your possession to be stamped with what you think is their gender.

It’s so bizarre to me that I had to read it several times to actually understand that this was an OK thing for many people. Just another way in which I am weird, but I’m fine with  that.

 

My Christmas Post–Three Weeks Late

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Every year for Christmas, I write a post in which I rant about how much I dislike Christmas. I list all the reasons why, and the biggest one is because it’s such crass consumerism on display, wrapped up in sentimental rhetoric. “If you love someone, you have to buy them something really expensive, or you’re a chump.” That’s pretty much what Christmas commercials tell you, starting with the day after Halloween (sometimes before), which is part of my issue with it as well. It used to be that the hype for Christmas had the sense to wait until after Thanksgiving to dominate society’s consciousness. Now, we’re creeping towards Christmas 24-7. There’s a local radio station that used to start playing Christmas music all day long starting on the first day of December. This year, they started the day after Halloween, which means two months of sappy, poorly-written Christmas music. Which is another problem I have with Christmas. All of the music sucks. It’s overwrought, treacly, and steeped in false nostalgia. There is only one Christmas carol that I like, but I’ll get to that in a second.

This year, I didn’t have the heart to write my usual post because my Raven had died three weeks earlier. I distinctly remember I had changed my Twitter and Facebook avatars earlier that evening to my usual Grumpy Cat hating on Christmas avis. After Raven died, I changed them back to just being black, and I’ve left them that way ever since. With my heart broken, I didn’t even care that Christmas was approaching at all. It meant nothing to me, and I pretty much just ignored its existence. I was just trying to cope with my sudden and shocking loss, and I couldn’t summon up enough energy to even acknowledge that it was happening. My Raven was gone, and that’s all that mattered to me. I was struggling to make it through each interminable day while making sure Shadow was OK as well.

Now, however, I regret not writing the post. Or rather, I feel empty for not having written it. As much as I don’t like Christmas, I did like my tradition of writing about how much I dislike it. I would post about it on Facebook and tweet about it, and I’d get several people who would commiserate with me. It became known that the only Christmas carol I like was O Holy Night, and I’d have people sending me their favorite versions of the song. I’d compile them and post them every year, and it was something I looked forward to, but, again, I didn’t have the heart to do it this year. After a few years, I started adding Christmas-related songs I liked to the list, and if I was feeling extra-grumpy, I would include the worst version of O Holy Night I could find.*

First off, I’ll post one of my favorite versions of the song. It’s done by New Orleans jazz musicians, and it was after Katerina ripped through their city and destroyed so many lives. It was featured on the show, Studio 60, which I never watched, but this version is amazing. It’s soulful, wistful, heartbreaking, and, yet, somehow, uplifting. Here’s the version with no dialogue.

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