Yesterday, I was writing about my distaste for Christmas. Well, hatred. Let’s be real. I used to loathe Christmas. It didn’t have much to do with the holiday itself, but with all the heavy expectations that went along with it. Plus the fact that the holiday spirit commercialization started earlier every year, and I was not pleased. I saw my first Christmas commercial before Halloween this year. That is a crime against humanity.
As I mentioned yesterday, once I stopped watching TV and listening to the radio, it was much better. Also, Taiji has helped me maintain my equilibrium when it comes to the holiday season. I no longcer rail against it, but I’m not going to be decorating a tree any time soon, either. Or sipping eggnog. Even if my brother were here for Christmas (he’s taking his family to Taiwan), I would not celebrate.
Here’s the thing. It’s not my holiday. I’m not a Christian, and I don’t like the trappings of the religion. Even if you want to go with a more secular Christmas, I have no warm feelings about the holiday itself.
I can get behind gathering as a family/group of friends/community. I know that for most people it’s important to have a sense of belonging. The problem is that when it’s practically society-mandated as is Christmas, that’s a recipe for disaster. Same with Thanksgiving.
I just recently learrned from my brother that his ex-wife held a grudge for several years because at the first Thanksgiving they hosted together, my mother brought her cranberry salad to the dinner. To elaborate, she said she was going to bring it, so it wasn’t as if she brought it out of the blue.
Here’s the problem. My mother’s cranberry salad is cranberries, whipped cream, orange slices, marshmallows, raisins, nuts, and I think jello. It’s really tasty, but it’s very sweet. My ex-SIL’s idea of cranberry for Thanksgiving is cranberry and a sauce that has sugar waved over it. She made it for the Thanksgiving after my medical crisis, and it was very tart. Like mouth-puckering tart.
Two different people with two very different ideas of what cranberries for Christmas should be. Neither was wrong–they were just different. However, my ex-SIL held a grudge for several years because that’s what my mother meant by cranberry salad. Apparently, that totally ruined Thanksgiving for my ex-SIL. I asked why she didn’t just quickly make her own when she realized what my mother had brought. My brother said because they didn’t have cranberries in the house.
Which, yeah, I get it. It’s a bummer when you don’t get a dish you were looknig forward to, but it wasn’t as if my mother did it to deliberately antagonize her. Or that my mother’s cranberries were inedible. Or that it was some kind of sign of hatred.
Look. My mother is very pushy about tradition herself. She threw a fit before the wedding about how many guests she could invite because she didn’t want to be shamed by not having enough. My brother compromised by allowing her to throw a celebratory dinner before the wedding for all their friends at which my brother and his fiancee were the center of attention. So I get that my ex-SIL was suspicious. But in the case of the cranberries, it truly was just a difference of opinion.
Everything takes on intensified meaning at the holidays. I read a thread on Ask A Manager about what you HAD to have on the Thanksgiving table in order for it to truly be Thanksgiving. it was astonishing to me how many people were so fussy about it. My brother made pulled pork and brisket for Thanksgivinng because he did not ilke turkey. In addition, he made whatever sides he liked. To me, that made sense.
It’s exhausting to have to keep track of who was slightling whom because they brought mashed yams rather than mashed potatoes to the feast. I can’t imagine holding that kind of grudge, and I’m a big grudge-holder.
I think it migcht be in part because I have many food issues so I can’t be mad if there is anything I can eat. The woman my brother is dating is also gluten-free and dairy-free, so there was a bunch of food I could eat this year. Unfortunately, I could not go to Thanksgiving itself, but my brother brought some food eover the next day (along with his new GF. Girlfriend in this case).
I know this is going to sound sappy, but the holidays should be about the people you’re with–not the food or the decoration. I truly don’t get why the holiday is ruined if the pecan pie is not made with the same recipe as the one gramma uses.
My mother once snapped at me in exasperation, “Just because something is traditional, it doesn’t mean it’s bad.” My instinctual response was, “It doesn’t mean it’s good, etiher.” And again, I wasn’t trying to be a contrarian (though I’m naturally good at it), but I really doen’t understand why we should venerate something just because we’ve been doing it for a long time.
I’m a utilitarian at heart, really. If sromething works and is good for most people, then let’s do it. If it causes problems for most people or is actively harmful, then let’s let it go. And ifi t’s variable for the people involved, let them decide.
The thing I would want people to know about me is that I’m not against tradition, per se. I’m not against genders or cherished beliefs simply because I’m an asshole. I mean, I can be an asshole, yes, but usually, I question things when I don’t see a reason to do it ‘because that’s the way we’ve always done it’.
Why do I have to wear a bra? Because that’s what women have done for a long time. I do not see why that’s a valid reason. I’m not saying a woman should be forced not to wear a bra, but if I don’t want to wear one, why should I? There is no evidence that it supports the boobs or strengthens them. I don’t find them comfortable no matter what material they are made of. I definitely hate underwire (why did I make myself wear that for so long?!), but all bras are annoynig to me.
Same with underpants. I only wear them when I get my period. I can see more of a reason for them than a bra beacuse of the whole going to the bathroom situation, but that’s more the mental reassurance that you have something between you and your pants than anything else. You still have the remnants of pee/poop on your underwear as you would your pants if you weren’t wearing the underwear.
I think the best traditions are ones that people acutally enjoy doing. If I’m going to get together with people, I want them to actually want to be there. Is that a weird thing? I don’t think so, but I acknowledge that I’m an outlier in so many ways.
At any rate, I will celebrate this year as I have several years in the past–by doing absolutely nothing different. I have sent out the presents that will be sent, and I am done for the year. Well, almost.