Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: the mazzy show

Anger and Frustration in the Time of Sinusitis

One of the worst things about being sick is how much it narrows my world. All I can think about is being sick and how much I hate it. When I’m able to write or go to taiji classes, I feel emotionally better, if not physically, but it’s far too easy for me to just let it slide. I also get angry at myself for being sick, as if it’s a judgment on my morality.

I know it’s time for me to practice my mental taiji with a dash of Zen. I can only do so much to get better, and then, I have to just take it as it is. I still haven’t been to the doctor, and one reason is because I’m afraid that she’ll say it’s all in my head. It literally is, all in my head, I mean, but I’m afraid she won’t find anything wrong. It’s the same reason I refused to get on antidepressants for the longest time. What if they didn’t work? I considered them my last resort, and if they failed me, then what? What if I go to the doctor and she can’t find anything wrong with me? Then I’m fucked, and I get to feel terrible about myself for feeling like shit when there’s nothing apparently wrong with me.

To throw a wrench in the works, I have hypothyroidism, and my doctor has been adjusting my dosage. The last time I got checked, my levels were too high, so she decreased my dose. Now, however, I’m feeling so groggy, exhausted, and draggy all the time. I quite expected that my follow-up blood test would reveal she had lowered the dose too much, but my levels were still too high. I don’t know what I’d do if the same thing happened again.

I’m used to feeling tired and not motivated, but this is beyond even my level of tolerance. I want to sleep all the time, but I can’t sleep (another one of my ongoing issues. Sleep). I don’t want to do anything other than sit on the couch. It’s not depression–I know what that feels like. It’s just sheer physical exhaustion.

I know I need to go to the doctor, especially since she requested a second follow-up. I just have to make myself do it.

Here’s the latest Mazzy video. She cheers me up, and that’s a good thing.

Status Quo–Cranky and Tired

I’m exhausted, and I’ve reached the point where my fear of going to the doctor is outweighed by my weariness at being sick on and off for four months. It’s boring for me, and it’s boring for you. So, here’s the latest Mazzy videos in which she and her dad are making green onion pancakes–one of my favorites. There’s an unbearably cute outtake at the end of her dad asking her, “What are we cooking now, Mazzy?” and she yawns a big yawn before sliding down in her seat. It’s too adorable!

Health and My State of Mind

I went to taiji for the first time in a week, and I was going to take it easy. Honest! I know that the worst thing to do when I’m sick is overdo it, but it’s easier said than done. “Don’t overdo it.” OK. The problem is, I don’t know what that is in the moment. Let me explain. I have the capacity to put off the pain/discomfort/exhaustion in the moment (to a certain extent. I have a very high pain threshold), but it’s not an end, only a means. I’ll feel it later, much to my chagrin. My teacher is very sensitive to my health issues and to making sure I don’t do more than I’m able. Her guide is, “If you break out in a sweat, stop.” The problem with that is that I sweat profusely at the drop of a hat, so it’s not always easy to discern what is illness-sweat and what is exertion-sweat.

In addition, my endorphins kick in whenever I’m out and about, plus, I tend to put on a happy (happier) face when I’m around other people, so I don’t appear as sick/tired/depressed as I am. I can laugh and chat brightly, then feel the hit later. Again, if I’m really sick, this goes away, but that has to be a very bad illness (as I had a month ago). I hate to say it, but I’m a complete bitch when I’m sick. I’m not proud of it, but I have to accept that’s how I am right now.

I can tell when I reach that point because my ability to can completely disappears. It happened a few days ago. I had to run to Cub to stock up on groceries, and my patience was already thin when I entered the store. Then, I had an interaction with an employee that stretched my patience to the limit until it snapped. I raised my voice at him (not yelled, but definitely put force behind it), and then immediately felt shitty for it. Yes, he was making things more difficult, but he was only trying to help. If I had been at optimal health, it would have irritated me, but I would have shrugged it off. That’s when I renewed my vow to not interact with people when I’m at my worst.

Anyway, back to taiji. We did some warm-ups and then the kick section of the second section of the Solo Form. It’s my favorite section of the form, and it’s fairly short. It’s a workout, though, because it’s filled with kicks (obvs). I like to joke that it’s my favorite section because it’s the hardest section, but that’s not far from wrong. My twelve years of dance lessons pays off in this section, and there’s something that just sings to me in this section. By the end of it, however, I was shaky. Taiji is deceptive in that it looks and feels easy to do. It’s slow and smooth with no obvious exertion. However, if you do it correctly, it is a real workout, and I was feeling it in my legs by the end of the kick section (which makes sense. The kick section works the legs really hard).

I stopped at the co-op on the way home, and my brain was in a fog. The cashier asked me what my cat’s name was (I bought cat food), and my mind went blank. Cat? What? When I realized what he was asking, I felt a momentary pang of sadness. Normally, my answer would be, “Raven and Shadow. They’re brothers, and black.” Instead, I said, “Shadow. He’s a black cat.” It turned out that he also had a black cat named Snowball. Which made me laugh.

My legs were trembling by the time I got home. I had my oranges which helped, but my legs still ached. I’m doing ginger honey lemon tea and chill today, and I’ll probably see the doctor soon  because I want to know what the hell this is. I also have to get my thyroid levels checked, anyway, so might as well do both.

Anyway. Enjoy the newest Mazzy video. She and a friend are making Earl Grey cookies. Yum!

Netflix and Chill Ferreals

Hey, y’all. Feeling better in general, but had a bit of a slide today. Dunno if it’s because I overdid it in taiji class yesterday or what, but I’m just gonna take it easy today. I cannot tell you how sick and tired I am of being sick and tired. I’m sure you’re as sick of reading about it as I am of experiencing it. I’m glad I’m feeling better in general, but it’s frustrating when I have a set-back.

My coughing is almost non-existent, but my effluvia is WAY up. I’m hoping it’s just my body adjusting to my new diet, but it might also be allergies. It could be the drastic change in weather–we went from 30s to high 60s in a day, but whatever it is, I’m tired of the effluvia* constantly running down the back of my throat.

I’m also really grumpy today for whatever reason. Probably best to stay off social media. Here’s a video of Baby Mazzy making nachos. She’s guaranteed to bring a smile to my face.

 

*Snot. It’s snot. Effluvia just sounds much classier.

I’m in Love With The Mazzy Show

I’m still sick, but slightly better. Still not up to writing a full post about all the bullshit of the world, so instead, I’m going to share with you The Mazzy Show: Cooking with Mazzy, a YouTube series about cooking with a cute Asian girl, Mazzy.  The first episode I saw was her making cha siu bao (BBQ pork buns), and I was hooked. She’s so cute, I wanna ask my brother to have another kid, and cha siu bao are one of my favorite foods ever. I watched all her episodes back-to-back, and they brightened my day. Enjoy!

P.S. I want Mazzy and the BBC interview girl, Marion, to team up for their own detective/cooking show STAT.

h/t Angry Asian Man for the heads up on Facebook.

Cha siu bao, Mazzy-style.

Pigs in a blanket. “Good night hot dog.” Be still my heart.