I’m back to talk more about my plans for the new year. It’s been over four years since my medical crisis, so it’s past time to actually think about my life (since I still have one).
Today, I want to talk about something that I think will be impossible to find, and then try to find a way to make it possible. Before I do that, though, I want to give some background (because of course I do).
When I was last in therapy two decades ago, I was talking to my therapist about my frustrations with talking to people. I told her how I twisted myself into knots trying to explain my point of view and getting more frustrated when I could not make the other person understand where I was coming from. I viewed it as something wrong with me,, and it was doubly frustrating because being good with words was supposed to be my thing. So was being empathetic. The latter I could still show, but would not get in return.
My therapist said briskly, “Minna, they think and talk on a level two*. You are more like a level four or five. They literally can’t understand you.”
That hit me over the head like a two-by-four because I never thought of it like that. I thought if I could just find the right way to explain it, then they would surely see what I was trying to say. In addition, because of my undiagnosed neurospicy shit, I always assumed that it was my fault/problem/issue if someone could not understand me.
Realizing that it wasn’t me (at least not all the time) was such an eye opeener–and a relief. When I relayed the same convo to my brother (who also has a difficult time being understood for a variety of reasons,, including that he’s often the smartest person in the room), he had the same dumbstruck look on his face that I was sure I did when my therapist made that gem of a revelation to me.
I have a list of five or so things she’s said to me that I still refer back to often, and that is certainly one of them. Why am I bringing this up? Because it fits into what I want to say in this post. Kind of .
What do I mean by that? I have a hard time being part of a group because I feel as if I have to sand off the rough edges to not stick out too much. I mean, I’m always going to be the weirdo, but I don’t want to be so weird that people are constantly freaked out by me. It’s hard; I’m not going to lie. One reason why is because I’m so careful and watchful with what I say all the time, it catches me off-guard when something I consider seemingly innocent gets me in trouble.
Internally, I’m thinking that it’s not fair. I’m so careful with what I say, it feels doubly bad to get scolded for something I don’t think is a big deal.
Back to my point. I want to find a group that I can hang with. Not in real life, probably, but online. One that is Asian, queer, and genderqueer focused. Here’s where I have my idealistic version and a more realistic version.
Idealistic version: I will find a community of creative queer and genderqueer Asian people which will include at leasct one person who is agender. They will also be cognizant of other issues, and that’s how it relates to the story I started this post with.
I can’t expect people to be aware of all the things I am. I am constantly expecting/hoping that people who are minorities will be able to take what they have experienced while being a minority and apply it to otherr minorities, but this is not always (or even most often) the case. It’s beacuse human beings have a hard time seeing things from anything other than their own point of view.
In addition, minorities often buy into the societal norms, and it’s really easy to buy into the myth that if you try hard enough, you’ll be accepted by the majority. A nasty side effect of that hope is that in order for you (general you) to be accepted as one of the good ones, you have to make sure you’re twice as hard on anyone in your group who is not acting normal, as perceived by the majority.
I’m talking about my ideal, though, so I might as well throw it in there. I want a group of queer, genderqueer Asian people who have at least a few people who are neurodivergent. And I really nood to have at least one person who is agender. In other words, I need people who are very chill about gender.
I have been bitten so many times by this that I’m pretty much on guard all the time when I’m around normies–either in person or online. I would like to find a group of neurodivergent people, but it cannot be overwhelmingly white or male. Which, again, means not in real life (not where I live).
The question is how realistic is it to find a group in which I feel comfortable, and then the ancillary question is comfortable to more than a superficial extent. Any time I’ve been in a group (activity-oriented), I have been very aware that there was only so far I could go without getting the stank eye.
The story I told at the beginning of the post only added to the divide I felt between me and other people. There are so few people who can actually understand what I’m trying to say, and it feels so isolating.
I’m not expecting people to be exactly where I am because I know that’s too much to ask. But it would be nice to find a group of people with whom I could take off the mask halfway.
Quick side note: In cases like this, I have to rank what is most impportant to me when I’m meeting new people.. I mean, which identifiers. I can’t look for everything that is important to me, but I need not to feel completely alienated at the same time. Queer, Asian, and genderqueer. These are the three things I most want in the group.
That’s the other thing. It’s unrealistic to expect one person or group to fulfill all my need. But I cannot be in a group that isn’t at least aware of the different isms.
*She was comparing it to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. You have to fulfill level one before you move onto level two and so forth.