I need to tackle my brain issues in 2026. I have recently realized that I’m neuroatypical, though I’m not exactly sure of the particular flavor (probably autistic and maybe ADHD, too). One issue I have is that it’s really difficult for me to do something if my brain is against it. One lifelong example that is currently flaring up again is my sleep issues. Or rather, my going to bed at a normal human being time issues.
I have always been a night owl. From a very young age, I would stuff a t-shirt under the door when I was supposed to be in bed so I could read for hours more. I taught myself to read when I was three or four, nad I haven’t stopped reading since. I would read into the wee hours of the night using a flashlight, and I never fell asleep until well past the point when I was put to bed.
When I was in college, I had a 7:45 a.m. class on Tuesdays and Thursdays one semester. I would go to bed around 3:30 a.m. and then get up at 7 a.m. for that class. I was so sleep deprived, I once wokke up and could not find my portable alarm clock. It was a cute and lavendar,, and I kept it on the side table by my bed.
One day, I slapped the table and the alarm clock wasn’t there. I looked all around my dorm room for it, but could not find it. I gave up after ten minutes or so,, then opened my mini-fridge to grab a Diet Pepsi. There was my alarm clock, and I had no menory of putting it there. My brain was so sleep-deprived,, it simply did not retain that information.
I slept roughly five hours a night until I started Taiji. Then, slowly, but surely, I eked my way up to six-and-a-half hours per night, waking up twice and having difficulty falling back asleep each time.
This was my life until I had my medical crisis. I slept almost all the time in the hospital, which was not surprising, obviously. I would guess I slept at least fourteen hours a day, heavily added with some seriously impressive sedatives.
When I got home, I went to bed by ten at night and got up at six. Eight solid hours of sleep a night, which was unheard of for me. Not to mention going to bed by ten. At night! It was great to get that much sleep; truth to be told, though, it was really weird. I wasn’t looking a gift horse in the mouth, though. I had never felt that rested in my life.
Then, little by little, I slowly reverted to the norm. I was going to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning and getting up 8 hours later. I was fine with that. Until my bedtime starting creeping later and later again. Now, we’re at me going to bed at ridiculous o’clock and setting an alarm to get me up before the sun sets.
No matter how much I chastise myself or vow to do better, my brain refuses to do it. I see that it’s reallyl late, and I know I should be going to bed, but I just–don’t. I would almost say I can’t, but it’s not like I physically can’t go to bed. It’s that my brain refuses to do it.
It’s really hard to explain to people who don’t experience it. It sounds like excuse-making, much like why some people with ADHD have such difficulty being on time (that’s not one of my issues, but the reason why is trauma-driven. Not great, but it is, as the kids say, what it is). “Just leave ten minutes earlier!” I used to think that with my bestie who was always twenty minutes late. At some point, though, I just accepted that was just her.
In fact, one time when we were going out, she was coming nearer to my neck of the woods for once. We were supposed to meet at eight, so I was going to start getting ready at eight because I exxpected her to be twenty minutes late. Much to my surprise, the doorbell rang at eight o’clock sharp. “You’re here!” I said to her in surprise as I opened the door. “We said we were going to meet at eight,” she replied in a puzzled tone. “I know, but you’re usually late,” was my comeback. We both had a hearty laugh over that.
I always work to the back of a deadline, which I’ve learned to accept (though not love). I still feel shame about it, but I’m much better at not hating myself too much for it. I’m writing this when I should be in bed. I know I should be in bed, and yet, here I am typing furiously.
In the new year, I want to–well, let me be realistic about it. I want to get back to my old normal sleep schedule of 2 a.m. to 10 a.m. There are two ways to do that. One is to push my sleep schedule back hour by hour until I knock off four or so hours of my wake time. That way doesn’t really work; I’ve tried it several times.
The other way is to move my bedtime forward. I’ve read about the concept and mused about it, but I’ve never tried it. What I mean is going to bed an hour later, do that for a week or so, and then repeat it, rather than going to be an hour earlier in much the same way. The issue with going to bed earlier bit by bit, at least for me, is that if I don’t do it for a few days, I fall back into my old habits. Doing it the other way around is more deliberate, and it seems like it would be harder to fuck it up. I mean, going to bed even later would aid that aim, I would think.
A friend suggested going to visit my two besties near Philly to jolt my schedule. That’s not a bad idea. Oh, and jolting my schedule not because it’s an hour earlier, but because I would want to spend time with them, and while they are both night owls to a certain extent, they both have to be up at normal people time.
At any rate, I want to put some effort into it because while I like being a night owl, I would like to have some overlap with the normal world. I want to be realistic about it, though. I will never be a 10 p.m. to 6 a.m. person without it being caused by a medical crisis, but I think 3 a.m. to 11 a.m. should be attainable.