My sleep schedule is completely off the rails. This is the worst it’s ever been. Well, not quite, but very close. As with many things in life, it didn’t happen at once, of course. But bit by bit, it’s gotten worse. It’s fifteen minutes here and fifteen minutes there. And “suddenly”, I’m going to bed after the sun rises.
I tell myself that I’m going to go to bed by a reasonable hour, but before I know it, it’s past dawn once again. I try not to be too mean to myself, but it’s so damn frustrating. Why the fuck can’t I just do what I say I’m going to do? I know it’s part of my neurospiciness, but that doesn’t make it any easier to accept that I’m doing it.
In addition, I’m not sleeping well. I think thats’ because of what’s happening in the world. It’s pretty bleak right now, and I don’t see it getting better. When I talked to K a few days ago, I mentioned that I don’t remember a time in our life that has felt as bad and bleak as this. She agreed with me, and we both just hate what’s happening. She’s talked about the frustration she feels with activivsm. She has acrtively done activism all her life. Protests, calling her congressperson, and such. Plus, she’s worked as a teacher/principal for disadvantaged youth for almost as long as I’ve known her.
She confessed to me that she’s just burnt out, and I do not blame her one bit. She has been working tirelessly for society’s good for thirty years, and I do not blame her for laying down the mantle. I have not been as diligent as I mostly just donate money. I’ve been to a protest here and there, but that is very much outside my comfort zone. And these days, I definitely cannot go where e there is a group of people.
I give money to several organizations that would be considered political. I know people say that money is not everything–it’s not. But, it is something. And it does help. And for someone like me who lives in a very blue neighborhood and cacnnot go out much, it’s the best I can do. I still do it, even though I feel it’s hopeless.
I haven’t felt this kind of hopelessness for some time, honestly. I mean, I felt pretty bleak during the W. years for many reasons. They were dark times, and I feared what that president would do. However, I never for a moment thought he would casually blow up a country. That’s not to say I didn’t fear he would use nuclear weaponry–I did. It just never occurred to me that he would do it simply because he felt like it*.
Do I feel more reassured that this president won’t do it, either? No. Why? Because I still don’t trust this president to follow the rules–written or otherwise, legal or not. In his mind, if he wants to do it, he’s going to do it. When we say that some people are above the law, we’re usually being hyperbolic. Not in this case. This president has shown that he is above the law–literally (in the old sense of the word literally). He has gotten away with shit that other people would have been put behind bars for life for. Or he’s been convicted, but he hasn’t had to serve any time. There can be no clearer evidence that there are different laws for different people.
Do I think he’s going to bomb Iran?
…
….
…..
Um.
Er.
Let me put it this way. Logicall,y I should say no. Everything points to him using it as a bullying tactic that he’s using to browbeat other countries. Yes, Iran being the foremost, but not the only country. At the end of the day, he backed down, but he also got to say that he brokered a ceasefire as a result. If I thought he could plan for anything more than five minutes in the future, I would say this was a cynical ploy by him. Because he’s not, I’ll say it’s a cynical ploy by people on his team/in the Republican Party (probably the former).
But. (And you knew there had to be a but, didn’t you?) Do I think he mighct impulsively push the button? Yes. Yes, I do. This is what makes him so dangerous–I really don’t know what the fuck he’s going to do. Even if his team has convinced him not to push the button, there’s still a not-so-small chance that he’ll suddenly decide to do it, anyway.
What this president is doing is enabling and emboldening (is that a word? I don’t care if it is or not) other Western countries to let their own nastiness bubble to the surface. Especially when it comes to anti-trans legislation. Because like a virus, nastiness can spread as well.
I am so tired of this country. K and I were talking about how quickly things came and went in the news–catastrophic things, I mean. Terrible things that this president has done. We were talking about the siege/occupation of Minneapolis which ‘ended’ (as it were) a mere two months ago. It had such a huge impact on the country (let alone Minneapolis), and yet, no one is talking about it any longer.
I know some of my mental struggles are because of what happened here. PTSD is no joke, and I was on the fringes of the terribleness. I was safe (mostly) as long as I didn’t leave my very blue neighborhood. Ten minutes in any direction, however, and it was a completely different matter. My brother and I had a serious discussion about whether we needed to carry our passports with us as we went out and about. He decided to take his (and advised his kids to do the same), but I decided not to. I didn’t go out much, and I did not want my passport to get taken. It was the safer option for me, whereas, I could see why he would want to take his with him when he was out and about (which was for several hours a day).
I don’t know what to do, honestly. I haven’t felt this depressed and anxious in quite some time. I know some of it is my brain chemistry. I know a lot of it is valid in response to how much the world sucks right now. But, it doesn’t help me feel better about myself. If anything, I just feel worse.
That’s where I live right now–in that worseness.
*It would never have been his decision, anyway. Darth Cheney would have been the one manipulating the strings.