We are well past my birthday, but I have more to say about it. It’s partly because I am surprised at how much my hatred/disdain/disgust of it has vanished. It’s funny how I went from hating my birthday when I was a kid to becoming ‘neutral’ about it in my thirties to becoming truly neutral about it in my fifties. Yes, it’s been a long journey, but I’m glad I’m finally here. This is the post I wrote yesterday about being happy for all the love sent my way on my birthday.
What I did not expect was that beacuse of all the love and warm wishes, I actually feel slightly positive towards my birthday itself. Not a huge amount, but it’s noticeable.
I cannot tell you what made the difference this year because I have no idea. I’ve had a lot of love on my birthdays before. Several people always acknowledge it so it’s not that it just goes by without notice. I usually talk to my parents and K on my birthday, too, so it wasn’t that.
Also, it wasn’t like things were going peachy in the world, either. Life in America is grim right now. Like, really grim. Because of the US being so powerful, all the terriblie and terrifying things that this president does has tremors that shake the entire world. Everything sucks right now, quite frankly.
Side note: The president saying those awful things about Iran yesterday and then pulling out a two-week ceasefire did something to my brain. I was saying yesterday that I truly had no idea what he was going to do, and it’s true. I still don’t know what he’s going to do. But.
Once the unthinkable didn’t happen and instead it ended up in a two week ceasefire. This is when, ironically, I became more cynical and uneasy about the situation. And angrier. Why? Because that’s when it became clear that even though this president says whatever the fuck he wants–he had no intention of bombing Iran. In this particular instance, it was a calculated move to–what? Terrify Iran and the world? Flex his muscles? Show what he could do if he wanted?
I’m not sure, but it felt so calculated in a way that most things he does doesn’t feel. I mean, I’m sure what he threatened to do was all him–but for whatever reason, I feel like he was encouraged to make a hard stance by his team (though probably not in those specific words) so he could look even better when he called the ceasefire.
Do not get me wrong. I did not want him ta bomb Iran. AT ALL. I want to make that excessively clear. I just find the way he casually uses the possibility as a flex to be morally repugnant.
When I was talking to K yesterday, we mentioned how what happened in Minnesota was completely gone from the national conversation, even though it technically ended two months ago. And what about the president of Venezuala whom we kidnapped and whisked out of his country? No one talked about that even a week after it happened. One of the M.O.s of this president is and has always been to just keep on doing awful things, one after the other, so no one can keep up. He started it during his first campaign, and no one has really called him on it. It’s a surprisingly effective way of dealing with the press because there’s just so much fucking shit he does, it’s impossible to cover it all.
I’m not letting them off the hook, though. They went way too easy on him in his first campaign because he was a joke candidate. They didn’t hold him to the same standard that they did with other candidates, and everything went downhill from there.
That’s not the point of this post, though. The point is that even though the world is on fire and everything sucks, I had a really good day yeserday–much to my surprise. I was expecting it to be eh like it always is. Or rather, for me to ignore the hell out of it is best I could. Instead, it was pleasant, and I was really glad to talk to K for such a long time. She is my joy and my light-bringer.
I’m feeling very grateful for the people in my life whom I love and depend upon. I am not someone who ever wanted or needed many friends. I’m a loner for the most part, and I’m best when I’m on my own*. I like having people who support me, though, and who I can reach out to if I need them. I have two best/lifelong/queertonic friends whom I love more than the world myself. I have my Taiji/Bagua teacher who is also a dear friend. I have my brother. I have an online friend I consider very dear to me.
My cup overfloweth! I appreciate each and every one of these people. As another birthday has come and gone. I used to set goals on my birthday, but I already did that at the beginning of the year. In addition, I am just not feeling up to it this year. I already have the three goals I set at the beginning of the year. I’m struggling with one, working steadily on the second, and have not done anything on the third. I do not want to add to that right now. One of my biggest flaws is that I try to force myself to do too much, and then I castigate myself beacuse I can’t force myself to do it.
If I did add another goal to my list, it would probably *sigh* have to do with getting enough sleep. And to get to bed at a decent time. Decent meaning, ah, 3 a.m. Well. Let me shoot for 4 a.m. first. (In other words, I need to be reasonable.) I have not been getting to bed before 7 a.m. for the last few weeks on most mornings. So let’s start with 4 a.m., and we’ll take it from there.
I don’t think it’ll be a next day thing (it’s past 4 a.m. now), but let’s see if I can get there in a week. I don’t know why it’s so exceptionally difficult right now. Usually, I can drag myself to bed earlier and earlier if I really concentrate on it, but for whatever reasons, I’ve mentally given up on it. Maybe it’s because of how terrible the world is right now. I’m not sure, but I can’t even make myself pretend to care.
That’s all for now. More tomorrow.
*With one exception, but I still don’t want to talk about that.