I want to talk more about dating, but not necssary about labels. I mean, the topic may come up, but that’s not the main purpose of this post.
The last two times I thought about dating to the point of composing the ad in my head, the world got in my way. The first time was in early February, 2020. I probably don’t need to say what happened that pushed the thought of dating out of my mind completely. In case you were in your once-in-a-lifetime coma at that time (I can juoke because I was in one myself), there was a little thing called a pandemic that was in full swing by early March.
There was Zoom dating during the pandemic, but that was not of interest to me. It seems like it combined all the worst parts of dating (heavy focus on looks, talking to someone you don’t know for at least fifcteen minutes if not longer, and small talk). I mean, it’s not all that much different than going to a cafe with someone and having a coffee, but it feels much different.
Additionally, all I want is sex, which is not doable via Zoom. At least not actual skin touching skin sex. Which is what I want. If I just want to get off, then I could do that on my own. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if it’s just about me getting off, I can do that just fine by myself. In fact, I am the best at getting me off. I can do it in three sceonds if I want. If I’m going to be with someone else, it’s about the exploration and the physical interaction.
Look. Let’s be real and honest with each other. I have no interest in dating for the sake of dating or a long-term relationship. If I am going to go through the effort of dating and getting to know someone(s), then I’m going to eventually want sex. I’m specifically looking for booty is what I’m saying.
After the vax was created and I got both my shots (and several weeks afeter to let it sink in), I started to cautiously go out again. I’ve mentioned this several times, but I’ll restate it once again. I went to Cubs to start shopping for food again, the local Thai place with my brother, and (the worst decision in the world), Target. The last was a nightmare with so many people, the vast majority of theem unmasked.
This was around June/July. I started thinking about dating again–which was nearer to the end of August. Then, I got incredibly tired–the most tired I’ve been in my life–and that’s saying something. I’m tired most of the time after a lifetime of not sleeping well or much at all. This time, though, I was utterly exhausted. As in, I could not get out of bed exhausted.
Right before that, I started thinking about dating again. I was planning my ad, and then, I got hit with the medical crisis of my life. As in, being in the hospital unconscious for a week with the premise that I was not going to wake up.
That’s not the weirdest thing about the whole experience, by the way. You would think it was, but it wasn’t. I don’t know why that didn’t shake me–probably because I was drugged out of my mind. I was so strung out, and it felt great. For the first time, I could truly understand why people did drugs (I’ve never done them before) because I wavs flying high–and feeling no pain.
That’s not the point of this post, though. The point is that the last two times I thought about dating, the world said, “NOPE.” Not only did it say no, it said no in the most brutal way possible. I have started thinking I wanted to try to date again, but I”m worried. I’ll admit it. I don’t believe that bad luck comes in threes, but I don’t not believe it, either. More to the point, I’m not sure I want to test that theory.
Here’s the other thing. My brother joked that he should have bought lottery tickets when I woke up, but I think that’s backwards. We used so much of our family luck that day that I would not expect any more good luck for the rest of my life. Again, I know that’s superstitious and not true, but I’m not a perfectly rational human being.
Plus, me surviving was off the scales when it comes to luck (I got called a miracle constantly while I was in the hospital), so I would feel selfish asking for anything more. Which is another reason I hesitate to date. Well, that and the fact that I’m not a good partner. I’m a great friend, but something about dating brings out the worst in me. I become at turns clingy and aloof, and sometimes both at the same time.
More to the point, I much prefer to be alone than to be with someone else most of the time. One of my exes and I had an argument about how we slept when we were together. He liked to snuggle as he slept; I did not. I needed space as I slept, especially since I snored like a fog horn. But also, I’m slightly claustrophobic, and I just don’t like the feeling of getting all hot and bothered. My own skin is sweaty and gross as I sleep–adding another body to it is not pleasant.
I did not phrase it that way to my (then) boyfriend, but he was still hurt that I did not want to cuddle as I slept. He could not see that it was not about him, so after much bickering, we came up with a compromise. While we were falling asleep, he lay on his side facing away from me. I laid on my same side about a foot away from him, reached out my hand and placed it on my (then) partner’s shoulder. I let him fall asleep first before I carefully removed my hand and fell asleep myself. The latter would take anywhere from fifteen minutes to an hour.
One time, just as he was falling asleep, he turned around and snuggled up to me. He hugged me before falling asleep, and I went rigid in his arms. I waited until he was asleep, then I carefully slid out from under his arm. I felt such a sense of relief when I escaped his embrace. I loved him with all my heart, but I did NOT want to sleep in his arms.
I’ve been that way all my life, really. I have a hard time sleepnig next to someone because all my worries about my dozens of flaws chome pouring out of me. I don’t want to disturb the other person while at the same time, there’s a pit in my heart because I don’t want to cuddle. In fact, I would prefer not to sleep with a partner at all because it stresses me out.
In fact, my idea of a perfect date would be to get t ogether with a buddy, maybe have a meal, have some rousing sex, and then they go home. More tomorrow.