Sex. Dating. I have more thoughts on this, but before I get there, I want to touch a bit more on technology and when it doesn’t work. Facebook rolled out the encryption in chat thing, and because I cleared my cache, it now won’t recognize me in one specific chat–the only one I use on a regular basis. (With my bestie, K.) I did what I could to try to access the almost year’s worth of messages I can’t get, including ones from this week, but in the end, I gave up.
I followed all the tutorials telling me how to get it. I finally was able to use the code to get into the chat, and a portion of the messages were still missing. That’s when I realized that it wsas Meta being Meta (ughhhhhhhh), so I mentally shrugged and moved on. I was still irritated, mind, but what could I do about it?
Back to dating. Here’s my post from yesterday in which I talk about dating–and technology.
I am flummoxed when it comes to dating because gender is such an anathema to me. Being queer, many of the hetero norms just don’t matter to me. I mean, they probably wouldn’t even if I were straight, but they’re truly meaningless. When you have two people (or more) of the same gender (or different varying genders), the old rules for hets don’t make any sense. In fact, when you look at the norms through queer lenses, so many of them fall by the wayside.
As a girl/woman, I heard the following: “Don’t ask a boy out. Let him do the asking.” “Let the guy pay.” “Don’t ever beat a guy in–” well, anything, really. So many of the rules for women were to make yourself as small as possible and not take up any noticeable room. Cater to the guy’s needs/desires/sensibilities, and don’t you dare have any needs of your own.
Don’t be high maintenance. Don’t be needy. Don’t eat anything too _________ fill in the blank with anything but salad. Oh, and don’t offer to pay. Apparently, that’s emasculating.
It all boiled down to, “Be a living, breathing doll who has no opinions of her own.”
Even if I could do all that (and I couldn’t), why the fuck would I want to? I read The Rules when it came out because I wanted a laugh. Instead, I was horrified by how antiquated the advice was (and it was a runaway best seller), and the last sentence sent a chill down my spine. It was something like, “And the rules don’t end once you get married because you have to put in the work to keep the man who’s biggest benefit is that he’s breathing.” That’s paraphrased, yes, but it was that sentiment.
I remember thinking, “Oh, great. I never get a breather?”
By the way, when the next edition or the sequel came out, there was a note stating that one of the authors got a divorce. That made me laugh uproariously as I admired her chutpah.
The thing is, in the year of our world falling apart, 2026, the mentality hasn’t changed that much in the greater society. Sure, there is more awareness of other genders (but not so much of those of us who eschew gender altogether, but that’s being met with furious blowback that is resulting in draconic and regressive laws against queer people–especially trans folks.
I was talking with Ian today about how we live in the dark timeline. Politics are the worst they’ve been in my lifetime, and they are only getting worse and worse. Really, I can’t look at the news more than once a day because it’s just so constant.
I cannot help but rage at my fellow Americans who voted for the asshole in power. I read that his approval rating from his favorite pollster is at an all-time low (39.4%), and I’m surprised it’s that high. I mean, who the fuck is still happy with him? It gives me a very dim view of my fellow Americans, and I can’t help but be bitter in my heart.
Anyway.
I want to get some ass, but I don’t necessary want to date. That’s always been a struggle for me. I hate everything about dating, and the most comfortable way for me to get into a relationship is with a friend. Since I find people more or less attractive based on their personality, it makes sense that my preference is to be friends before we become lovers.
To that end, it would be better for me to join a hobby group/identity group and then see where things go from there. The problem is that if I do all that online, I am more than content to stay online. One tihng I admire about my brother when he was dating was how efficient he was. He messaged women who interested him as soon as he read their profiles. After a few messages, he suggested coffee/dinner so he could meet them in person.
Me, when I did online dating, I was perfectly content to stick to messaging back and forth. I’m a much better writer than a talker, and I’m also not very good in person. I’m much too self-conscious, and I also am aware of all the things that could possibly go wrong.
I really would prefer to become friends with someone and then move it to booty calls. I am very open about being pro-sex for the sake of sex. In the Discord I’m in, we have a channel in which we can talk about sex, dating, and other things of that ilk. Someone asked about polyamory, and it was really interesting to see how the answers panned out. The straight guys all pooh-poohed it along with fuck buddies, whereas all the queer people were pro both.
It’s a very small sample size, obviously, but it was fascinating to watch, anyway. One of the queer people and I have since become friends, and we were talking about how being queer and genderqueer in the first place made us more likely to be weirdos in general. Oh, and we’re both neurodivergent, too. All of that mixed together meant that we were more likely to be open to things that were considered taboo and/or outre.
More tomorrow.