Let’s talk more about how my weird brain manifests itself. In yesterday’s post, I was talking about how my neurodivergent brain thinks very differently than how normies think. for the longest time, I thought there was something I could do to make my brain work more normally. I didn’t want to do it, mind, but I always thought it was possible.
I did briefly consider in my early thirties that I might have ADHD. I had the hyperfocus part down pat, but too many of the other symptoms/traits didn’t fit. At that time, I had a great memory and was never late. I did ping from one thing to another, but I was also able to focus–not just hyperfocus. It really was only the hyperfocus and the changing from interest to interest that pinged the ADHD meter.
I can’t stress how much at the time (twenty years ago) that autism was portrayed as a young boy’s diagnosis. It was definitely considered a kid’s thing–and only boys got it. OBVIOUSLY. Most people never even said that because the thought that it could be present in girls was unthinkable.
Side note: This is how medicine works in general, by the way. It’s heavily skewed towards white cis males, so much so that some studies that talk about pregancy use ‘he’ when talking about the patient. This is an extreme example, but it’s littered throughout medical documentation. Also, Asian people need much less meds than do white people–but that isn’t mentioned, either.
I realized this when I tried sleeping pills when I was in my late twenties. The psychiatrist didn’t even examine me. She just listened to me for two minutes, then wrote a scrip for sleeping pills. I felt really seen, I’ll tell you what (that’s sarcasm).
I took a pill and did not wake up for over sixteen hours. Same when I cut it in half, and then in half agaian. No, I didn’t sleep quite as long, but it was still longer than I wanted, and I felt so groggy when I woke up.
When I tried Valerian, I felt as if I could not make my thoughts connect. I was three steps behind, and my tongue felt so thick. I am always chary about taking drugs because they affect me so much. And, sadly. many medical people don’t listen when I say that I react strongly to meds. when I was unconscious in the hospital and the medical professionals were trying to wake me up. My mother said to my medical team that I was more sensitive to drugs because of the Asian thing, but they apparently didn’t listen or pay attention.
Not surprising, really, as medical people are pretty notorious for ignoring information that does not agree with their preconceived notions.
This is one reason that I had no idea I was autistic. I’m AFAB; Asian; have a very high EQ; have excellent social skills; and I don’t do any kind of stimming. That was all I knew about autism, that it was for boys who couldn’t stand still, who stimmed, who thrashed when touched/hugged, who could not maintain eye contact, who could not relate at all to other human beings, and who were did not feel anything at all.
I’ve found out that this is not true for autistic people in general, especially the last. That’s the one that really blocked me from thinking I colud be autistic–the lack of empathy. I saw a video that explained that autistic people felt too much–and that was part of the problems. They felt other people’s emotions, but didn’t necessarily know what to do with those feelings or what they meant.
To continue how my brain thinks about hierarchies–it doesn’t. I don’t see why I should give more respect to someone simply because of their age. I am not Asian at all in that respect, and, well, not in many others, too. My mother is having a rough time with my father’s dementia (for many reasons) in part because Taiwanese society considers it a personal failing and not medical issue. So it’s hard for her to get help with my father.
As I’ve mentioned, I’ve been into a kpop group, and watching the interaction among people based on gender and age is fascinating. I would have an issue with both, but for very different reasons. I know that at least some of that is because of my weirdo brain. I have never considered gender important to me. I have tried, and I have talked about it ad nauseam. But it does nothing for me. Same with age. I don’t see why just because someone was older, they should be more respected. There are not smart older people. There are abusive older people. there are just plain mean older people. In fact, people tend to be more of themselves as they get older.
It feels very emperor’s new clothes to pretend this isn’t true. I mean a certain president of a certain country is pretty old–and not fit to be president. Our last president also should have not been president for as long as he was. Venerating old people can mean ignoring actual problems with those people. I mean, that’s true of any kind of missing stair situation, really.
It’s weird. When I think about using a dating app, I feel a bit lost. What I find important isn’t what’s emphasized, I don’t think, on the apps. I mean, things such as political affiliation and (lack of) gender/s are important to an extent, but while the former is very important to me, the latter is not in the least*.
I wish I could think a bit more normally, but it’s not to be. My mother thinks I’m purposefully oppositional, and it frustrates her. I don’t know how to tell her that I’m not doing it on purpose, nor do I think she would believe me. More to the point, it probably doesn’t really matter. In her mind, if I’m not doing what she wants me to do (or being who she wants me to be), then it’s because I’m being willful.
That is not the point of this post, either. More tomorrow.
*Well, mostly isn’t. I don’t want to get into that right now, so we’ll just leave it there.