Let’s talk more about my brain and how I think. In yesterday’s post, I was talking about how the stereotypical depiction of autism prevented me from recognizing that I might be autistic until just a few years ago.
One thing I mentioned was how I know not to natter on and on about my obsessions because it annoys other people. I also don’t mention them for another reason–because they are precious to me and talking about them with people who don’t feel the same way can make me feel some kind of way.
One trait of autism is being easily swayed/manipulated. This was another reason I thought I could not be autistic. When it comes to important issues–I am an unmovable force. Take abortion, for example. Once I realized what it was and how important it was for the autonomy of women, I have not wavered in my support of it. And, by “it” I specifiaclly mean abortion. Yes, I am pro-choice, but in this case, I want to emphasize that I specifically support abortion.
Side note: It irks me how pro-choice has been crafted to mean, “Yes, it’s so terrible that some people have to get abortions, but we support them in their difficult moments”. It can be terrible/hard/traumatic, but there are plenty of people who felt it was an easy decision and felt relief/joy when they had it done. That never gets talked about. No, it has to be all about suffering and tragedy–as does most things that traditionally pertain to women.
Side note to the side note: When I decided I did not want to have children and realized I didn’t have to, I felt such a sense of relief and joy. I could not explain it, but I felt as if a million-pound weight fell from my shoulders. I knew deep in my heart that this was the best decision I hahd ever made in my life, and thirty-five years later, I feel it even more strongly.
That’s another thing that at that time, women were apologizing for–not having children, I mean. I looked for anyone who felt the same way (remember, this was before the internet was the behemouth that it is now). I found one anthology from women, writers and not, who decided not to have children. I was so eager to read it, but to my disappointment, every single one of them apologized, excused, or made themselves smaller as they talked about their decision not to have children.
If I were to write for an anthology about my decision not to have children, I would be celebratory and jubilant. I’m not being hyperbolic; if anything, I’m understating my emotions.
The other thing I read that stuck in my brain was an article about mothers. Not because of the article itself, but because of the commenter who was brave enough to say that she regretted having children and why. Other commenters chimed in with similar sentiments, and it was the first time I saw an honest conversation from women who wished they hadn’t had children.
Back to being easily swayed. As a child up until…well, it’s still true, I felt like I didn’t have a core when it came to people I held in high esteem. I tend to accept their opinions without a second thought–again, if it’s just in converastion.
And I’m extremely sensitive to criticism, even if I don’t show it. That’s also a trait of some neurodivergences. So the reason I don’t share things I love is because while I can handle criticism of it, I don’t necessarily want to hear it for an extended time. And it can’t just be, “This is pure shit! I can’t believe that anyone would listen to trash like this.”
The last guy I dated wanted me to watch movies he liked. I did, and while I did not like them, I tried to be gentle in my criticism because he was extremely sensitive. It didn’t matter how mild my criticsm was, he got very upset that I didn’t love the movies the way he did. And believe me, I toned down the intensity of my opinion by about 75%.
On the other hand, when he watched a movie I liked, he scoffed at it and said that one scene was ridiculous. There’s no way it could happen. What’s funny is that the scene he picked was one the director specifically said had happened to his mother (my then-boyfriend didn’t know that). My then-boyfriend fell asleep while watching the movie.
That was disrespectful. I didn’t care if he liked the movie or not (though I would have liked it if he liked it, of course), but totally trashing the movie, well, that was not cool. Then again, he wasn’t cool. One reason I remained single for such a long time (in tandem with me not being a great partner) was because of that relationship.
In general, I I don’t care if others don’t like what I like. When I’m in currently obsessed, though, it’s a bit different. I don’t want anyone harshing my high; I just want to enjoy what I like with unabashed enthusiasm. Yeah, I know it’s on me that I can be dampened by negativity, but that’s how I roll. I deal with it by keeping my obsession to myself. I’m not gatekeeping; I just don’t want to hear it if someone hates it. I want other people to hear and love my obsession, but I have to be in a good place to share about it.
It doesn’t help that I have a very specific way I enjoy my obsessions. For example, I’ve looked for groups that enjoy martial arts weapons. I want to talk about how much I love the way they make me feel and how beautiful/elegant they are. In other words, the art part of martiar arts–not the martial part. Yes, I enjoy the combat aspects, but–it’s not even that, actually. It’s the talking about the different weapons made of different materials and how this one is infinitessimally better than the oher. It’s min-maxing, which I have no interest in.
And, let’s be real. It’s 99% dudes who just want to flex. That’s unkind. They may be seriously interested in min-maxing; it’s just not my thing. And in fact, it points to what I talked about yesterday in how male interests are considered serious and cool whereas female interests are thought of as frivolous. In this case, the extensive talking about the micro-differences in the weapons (heh) is the serious masculine side of the practice whereas the flow and the vibes (together) is the frivolous feminine side.
More about it tomorrow.