Arrrgh. How am I here yet again?! I have a friend, A, who gently pokes me to go to bed early. It’s a positive thing on her part, and I call her my reverse-alarm. She poked me around 4 p.m., and I said I was aiming to go to bed by 4 a.m. I mean, that seemed reasonable twelve hours ago. Twelve hours was so much time! And yet, here I am ten minutes before said time, and I am nowhere near ready to go to bed. Four in the morning was a reasonable time for me to set as a goal for going to bed. Unfortunately, I fucked around too much and I found out that I am once again not quite ready to go to bed.
I know being frustrated with myself won’t help. Indeed, it just makes things worse because of the shame spiral, but I can’t necessarily stop myself, either. I get others being frustrated with someone who can’t do something on time, but there’s no way they’re more frustrated with that person than that person is with themselves.
I hate that I let hours slip by while I do nothing worthwhile. It’s not like I’m curing cancer or anything important like that. I’m usually fucking around on the internet or playing games or watching videos. None of that is enrichment for the brain, and I could easily chop off three-fourths of it all.
I know that it’s the way my brain works (or doesn’t), but it’s so fucking frustrating. I want my brain to be normal for once. It’s not something I would usually say, but let me experience it for one day, please. Actually, no, don’t. If I only got to feel it for one day, then it was whisked away from me, I would be displeased, no matter what.
If I preferred how I felt when I was normal, then I would be forever sad that I had to give that up. Unless they erased my memory of it once I returned to my normal. Then, fine. whatever. But why would I bother doing it if I could not remember it? What’s the point in that? If I preferred how I was as a weirdo rather than being normal, then I would be doubly mad at all the people judging me after I lived as aa normie for the day.
Having said all that, I would probably do it if it was on offer because I am incorrigibly curious. It’s one of the best and worst things about me, as with many of my traits. I don’t half-ass anything. If I’m going to do it, I’m using my full ass. It’s not much, but it’s more than it has ever been–thanks to Taiji.
Back to eating. Here’s my post from yesterday in which I talk about how I eat (and don’t)–which is not “normal”. I have said in the past that I know most of my flaws. I know the ones that are worth trying to fix and the ones that aren’t. for exmple, I am a huge procrastinator. I work to the back end of a deadline, and I’ve made my peace with that.
Then there are those flaws that I would like to fix, but not completely change. One of those would be how empathetic I am. I like that I’m able to be compassionate to others, but I don’t like when I can feel their feelings. Taiji has helped me tamp down the feelings, but not enough. I would like to take it down another notch or four.
Then, there are the habits/traits that I want to completely eliminate. Like my struggle with sleep. I want to be able to go to bed at a reasonable (for me) hour, fall asleep easily, sleep well, and then wake up after eight hours. Is that really too much to ask? Apparently, it is.
I have tried so hard for all my life. Since I was seven. Well, tried is a bit much, really. I have never been able to go to bed at a decent time and sleep for several hours on end except for a year after my medical crisis. The first few months of that were drug-fueled, and it really felt like an out-of-body experience. Because–drugs. So many drugs. All the delightful, lovely drugs.
Side note: Now I see why people do drugs; I really do. I have never felt that way in all my life. I had no aches or pains, and I felt as if I could fly. I was a god, and I was invincible. That lasted a month-and-a-half or so. When it started to fade, I suddenly had my body back with all its associated minor aches and pains. I was not happyi about it, but what was I going to do?
During that period of time, I went to bed at 10 p.m. and got up at 6 a.m. I only woke up once (rather than two or three times), and I actually felt rested when I got up. I had never felt that way any other time in my life, including now.
Every time I painfully and slowly inch my sleeptime towards a more normal (ha) time, I then blow it all up and go in the other direction. I am, in fact, having more difficulty now than I have in any time in my life.
It’s partly because the world is as it is. It’s partly because I’m the way I am. It’s partly beacuse sleep is a fucker. It all sucks, quite frankly. I am not glad I came back to life, honestly. I’m old, and I’m tired. I am discouraged and quite frankly, disgusted with this country. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it, either. Or if our country will ever get out of whatever this *waves in despair* at the country around me.
I did not talk as much as I wanted about the topic of sleep and maybe eating. Oh, right. I was going to talk about eating. I may do that tomorrow; we shall see.