I’m back to talk more about how my brain works (or doesn’t). I’m happy to know that it isn’t completely broken, but I still can’t help but think it’s somewhat broken.
For example. I have no hunger signals. I know that I broke my hunger meter at some point after many years of struggling with eating disorders. I thought that was the only reason, but I learned recertly that autistic people have many difficulties with eating. One, the sensory issue. Weirdly, I have very few textural issues with food. I do have a ton of sensitivities, though. I’m gluten-free and dairy-free, and I have to be careful with onion and garlic (much to my dismay. I’m Asian! Garlic is in almost every dish we have). I also think I have an issue with cauliflower, but I don’t want to test it.
Before I get into it, I just want to say that I talked about gender roles and how rigid they are in different countries, but in different ways in yesterday’s post. Now back to eating.
You know all those articles that tell you to listen to your body when it comes to eating? That intuitive eating is best? I say this with absolutely no snark–that’s a good idea if you can’t do it. I just can’t.
First of all, I am not hungry when I wake up. I’ve said this several times. I don’t eat breakfast or for several hours after (except for one bite of something approximately twenty minutes after I get up because I have a medication I need to take with food AND a medication I need to not take with food. So I take the latter with the other med I take daily in the ‘morning’ (I have one other I take at night) and then take the one I need to eat with food twenty minutes later. If I remember it all).
There’s a narrow window of time in which I have to eat something or I simply will not. And this is where I differ from the intuitive eating philosophy. Again, I want to emphasize that I think it’s better to be intuitive about eating–but it’s also better to actually eat.
Another thing that I can’t do is three square meals. I just quickly Googled, and it seems that after much debate three meals a day may be better for you than snacking throughout the day (as long as you don’t eat a huge meal late at night), but I just can’t do that. I eat one big meal in the middle of my day (which can be anywhere from 6 p.m. to 9 p.m., depending, and then I eat here and there.
There’s a saying for new parents–fed is best. This is because there’s a raging feud over breast-fed v. bottle-fed, with virtual blood being spilled on both sides.
I have to embrace fed is best, as messed up as that may sound. Otherwise, I won’t eat. Like, I did not eat an actual meal today until 2 in the morning. That’s not good, I know, but that’s just how it goes sometimes.
I have another problem in that I get full when I eat two bites. I don’t know why this is, but it’s probably also because of the several years of eating disorders. I eat a few bites, then get full. Then about a half hour later, I’m hungry again. Now, I could conceivably eat every half hour, but that’s not something I want to do .
Basically, I do my Taiji/Bagua routine. Then I have coffee plus a plant-based yogurt, an orange, and a dairy-free ice-cream bar. My one meal is two to four hours after that (ideally. Sometimes it’s more like six hours, which is not optimal), and then I sprinkle snacks (I originally typed snakes. I definitely do not sprinkle snakes) throughout the day.
Look. I know best practices; I really do. I know all the best practices. I also know what I absolutely won’t do. I could waste time trying to force myself to do what I know I won’t do. That includes eating breakfast, eating three square meals, and going to bed by midnight. None of these is ever going to happen. They just aren’t.
I know conventional wisdom is that if you keep doing it, it’ll become a habit. The other conventional wishom and something autistic people hear all the time is, “You’re just lazy.” With the implicit ‘try harder’ resounding loudly in their ears. My god. If ‘try harder’ was all that was needed, we all would have fixed our issues ages ago.
First of all, I simply am not hungry when I first get up. Yes, I said that I have a broken hunger meter, but it’s set at -100 when I wake up. I know that’s not acutally possible, but I want to emphasize how little I feel like eating when I wake up. When I try to force myself, I feel nauseous and ill. Other times of the day, I can force myself to eat with only a little nausea.
Side note: I have a ton of things I deal with on the daily. Little things. So as long as the discomfort is under a three, I’m good to go. Taiji and Bagua have really helped me keep it in check. I’m not talking about pain, exactly. I’m talking about things like nausea from eating and seeing certain movements (first-person, mostly).
Realizing that I was probably autistic or at least somewhere on the neurospicy spectrum really helped me mentally. It gave me an insight to why my brain works the way it did. I still have to find a way to deal with all my issues, but at least I have a hint as to why my brain is the way it is.
Back to what I can’t make myself do. I could waste more time on trying to force myself to be ‘normal’ and ‘healthy’. I could eat breakfast every day and hate ever second of it. I could eat three meals a day and feel bloated and gross. And nauseated. I could go to bed at midnight–hahahahhahah that’s never happening. I can’t even force myself to do that.
I have read forums in which neurotypical talk confidently about how self-diagnosed autism is a crock. Oh, they don’t use that word, but it’s what they mean. It’s the old ‘pull yourself up by your bootstrap’ bullshit, (ha! I wrote ‘bootscrap’ first. Which it is. Crap, I mean) and they don’t realize that in this case, there is no bootstrap to be had. They are so steep in what is ‘normal’ without realizing that it’s just a construct (though a deeply-rooted one).
I was just reading an old post on Ask A Manager, and it was about being on time for meetings. There was a whole lot going on, but one thing people focused on was the letter writer (LW) saying that they struggled to make a regular (like once a week) 8 a.m. because of their ADHD, being a night owl, and insomnia. This was during the pandemic, so not ages ago. The amount of people who said in a scornful/dismissive tone that 8 a.m. was not early was not astounding, but it was disheartening.
I’m not saying the LW didn’t need to find a way to make the meeting–they did. It’s that it never helps to hear ‘just do it!’ or that you’re a whiny baby for voicing your difficulties. I will grant that the LW did not cover themselves with glory in the letter, but this particular point, I was on their side. Especially as the meeting was useless to them.
It’s incredibly hard to change your sleep schedule. Thats’ why the DSM lists Delayed Sleep-Wake Phase Disorder as a, well, disorder. Funnily enough, it says if the person is allowed to sleep on their natural schedule, they are fine. Which, I mean, that’s not really a disorder, is it? It’s society being fucked up and insisting that everyone run on a morning schedule.
That’s all for now. More tomorrow.