Let’s talk more about being a weirdo. In yesterday’s post, I wrote about how sometimes, I wished I could be normal. Believe it or not, I’m not trying to be difficult most of the time–it’s just that I was born that way. I was musing about how much easier life would have been if I could have just been ‘normal, but that’s folly.
What I mean is that I can sit and speculate about how different my life would have been if I was normal, but I can’t verify it. It alsways irk me when people state confidently what would have happened if something or the other (big) had been different. Usually, in a toxic positivity way.
The one that really got to me was people who said that they would not change anything about their pasts because it made them who they were. I would ABSOLUTELY change certain things in my life because it would make me better! The heavy emotional abuse? Gone. The nightmare relationship in Thailand? It would be no more. The feeling like an alien and that I should not be alive that dominated my childhood? Erased in a heartbeat.
I also take issue with the people who said that going through trauma made you more empathetic. There are other ways to be empathetic, thank you, and I would like to think I would have been, anyway, without all the abuse.
I don’t know if I would have been a better, more functional person without the trauma I experienced, but I sure as hell would like to have a shot at it. Would I take no abuse and not knowing how it would turn out over what happened to me? 100%, in a heartbeat, no hesitation. How is that even a question?
I know I can’t change my past, obviously, but that trauma still lingers. Taiji has helped a great deal, and so has Bagua. So has love. So has me just saying fuck it to a certain extent. The realization that I’ll never be normal whatever that is was so freeing. I’m not saynig it isn’t still a struggle because it is.
Side note: I find it amusing when people advocate for being your true self. What they usually mean is, “Be your true self–oh, not that true self.” What I mean is that most people mean a two-deviation-from-the-norm true self, not a ‘what the fuck is THAT?” true self. Like weird is being a vegan Crossfitter. Weird is not being agender, areligious, into Taiji and Bagua weaponry, and being ENM. Not to mention bisexual. And just not giving a damn about 90% of things society deems important. Oh, and neurodivergent.
Any one of those things would be considered weird. Some of them are considered deviant, evil, vile, disgusting, etc., by a huge chunk of people. Not just Americans, but that’s the society I know best. It’s interesting. I’ve been listening to a lot of Stray Kids content, and while they are pioneers in music and very ‘weird’ for Kpop, they actually adhere quite closely to Korean norms (as I understand them). Personally, I mean.
I’ve watched quite a bit of their content and realized that they would disapprove of me as a person. Yes, they say eveyrone should be their own person, but they have made it pretty clear that their attitudes toward alternative lifestyles (not talking queer, but ENM and gender norms to a certain extent) is negative. They have several songs about what they call ‘very bad guys’, and they’ve had arguments about who’s the worst. The guy who is mean to his ex-girlfriend including telling her how she really felt about him (which they don’t see as mean) or the guy who thought another woman was attractive, didn’t necessarily act on it, but broke up with his girlfriend anyway because he felt guilty.
They and their fans almost unanimously agreed that the latter was far worse (only two of the eight members initially chose the former as worse), and the others managed to bring them over to their side. They later talked about another song that had a guy in it that they all thought was terrible–because he was in a situationship and liked it that way. It’s a fire song, by the way. I love the song a lot, and I’ve included it above. It’s such a bop.
I think they would all choose this guy as the worst if they were to revisit their debate whereas to me, he is not wrong at all. He’s honest with the person he’s with that he just wants to have fun. I also think it’s funny that people who have presumably never been in a relationship (they’re not allowed to date. Of course, some Kpop idols don’t stick to that) speak so confidently about it. Not to say they will definitely change after they start to date, but it’s entirely possible.
Not to mention that most of them are devout Christians. In other words, yeah, my time with them is limited. I knew that going in, though. I should have just kept it superficial, but that’s not how I roll.
It’s hard. I live in a bubble so it’s always a mini-shock when I come across people who think I should not exist. Whether it’s in a ‘benevolent’/non-malicious way or a malicious way, it stings. In some ways, it hurts more when it’s not malicious. I’ve said this with racism. The thoughtless remark sometimes cuts deeper than the flat-out racist shit.
If someone hates me, well, then, there’s not much I can do about that. And the intent is clear. But if someone is invested in thinking they are a good person and can’t deal with the fact that we all are steeped in the baked-in isms of American society (again, the country I know best), well, then it’s all about their delicate hurt feelings for someone daring to say even the mildest rebuke for their ist behavior.
It’s the whole “It’s worse to be called a racist than to experience racism” thing. And it’s so very tiring.
That’s not what this post ais about, really, but at the same time–it kind of is. It’s about being on the fringe and realizing/accepting that I will never be a respectable member of society. There are many reasons for this, and as I’m firrmly an Old, I don’t think it’s going to change.
Back to the question of normality or fitting in. I can mask to the point where I’m not sticking out like a sore thumb. Back in the pre-pandemic days, I could blend in a group as long as they were not completely foreign to me*, but even then, I was still masking heavily.
Any time I’m in a group, I’m going to be masking heavily. That’s just the way it goes. I’ve accepted that. And I’m very careful about not dropping the mask. Which is tiring as hell. Also, it’s why I get upset to an unnatural degree when I’m a bit off in my masking. My goal when I’m in public is to be unnoticeable as a weirdo. If I can’t carry it off flawlessly, then I consider it a fail.
*Read, as long as they were progressive artsy types.