The flu shot is still kicking my ass. I snoozed yesterday for a few hours at my desktop (contorting myself into some truly uncomfortable positions) and then crashed hard at around 2 a.m. I wok up around eight and theen snoozed a bit more. So in total, I probably got ten hours, but broken up and not completely restful. I’m snoozy now as well. I thought I got of fairly easily with my flu shit this time around, but I guess not. I feel like I’ve been hit by a Mac truck.
Back to obsessions vs. special interests vs. hyperfixations.
A was tellinsg me that there wasn’t necessarily a clean differetiation between special interests and hyperfixations. We’ve talked at length about how the stereotypical way autism is portrayed is, of course, influenced by the sexism–as is everything. It can’t be helped. We live in a sexist highly patriarchal world. The flavor is different in each country (and even down to each region), but there are very few places that aren’t touched by it–if any.
I mentioned in yesterday’s post how girls’ hobbies aren’t considered worthy of being hyperfixations the way boys’ hobbies are. I extrapolated even further that you have to split up those hobbies even further. Like, video games. Serious hardcore games are acceptable as special interests whereas casual games or cozy games aren’t. It’s funny how in the cozy game scene on YouTube, there are many female content creators, but very few in the hardcore gaming world. And the women in the latter are very bro-coded. They talk like guys and act like them, too. Calling each other “bro” (Gen Z’s version of dude, I guess) and calling everyone bitches. Sneering down on women and gatekeeping with the best (worst) of them.
I have tried to find female gamers who aren’t like that, but it’s so fucking hard. Or genderqueer/nonbinary/agender, but that’s even harder.
Even in the cozy games world, the few bigger content creators I know of are men. And I just can’t do it. I’ve had my lifetime quota of cishetwhite dudes, and I am simply unwilling to add another to my life.
Even in K-Pop content creation, the vast majority I’ve seen are male, and most of them, male and female (can’t find any genderqueer people) are casually sexist. Or not so casually sexist. “Bros” galore, which really irritates me. Even more so than “dudes”. Guys is the one I mind the least, but I still would prefer non-gendered expression af address, thank you very much. Plus, many of the Western reactors don’t know much about Korean (Eastern) culture, which is aggravating. I am NOT going to get into that right now, but it’s pretty constant.
Back to obsessions/special interests/hyperfixations. I’m still not sure what differentiates them for me. I will say that time is one.The length of time I stay interested in something, I mean. Oh, and we’ll throw hobby in there, tooe. I don’t think I actually have hobbies because I don’t do much of anything in half measures, but I’ll see if I can think of something.
I probably would have said my writing was a hobby before my medical crisis. Now, I wouldn’t even call it that. I don’t want to get into that right now, either. But I just want to acknowledge that it’s a thing, I may talk more about it later.
At one point, reading was a hobby. I read a lot as a kid. A LOT. It was my way of escaping the real world. Just by opening a book, I could visit an entirely different place. It didn’t even have to be a place on earth!
I played a bunch of sports and the cello, but that was all because my mother made me. Like many Asian parents, she believed that a child should not have a moment to breathe. I learned the cello and the piano, dance (tap, jazz, and ballet), softball, ping-pong, tennis, and vollyball (to varying degrees), and, oh! My passion was acting. I wanted to do that more than anything , but I did not have enough confidencnve in my ability when I was young.
I did theater and one-person performances in high school and in my twenties, and I would love to get back to it. I felt so alive wehn I was on stage, and it gave me life. I participated in Theater Mu, the first regional Asian American theater (and very reknown now), and I did one-person performances. For the latter, I wrote, directed, and performed the pieces. I would consider that a hyperfixation or an obsession–not sure which. Each time I performed, I mean. I would be so into it to the exclusion of everything else.
Stuffed animals. I loved them. I was born in the year of the pigs, so I colleced those for a awhile. I had a few dolls, but not many, and I did not like playing with them much.
I’m going through my childhood, but it’s hard. I don’t remember a lot of it–I have blocked it out. There are only glimpses here and there, so I can only paint with really broad strokes.
College. Some acting. Not much of anything else as far as hobbies. I mean, it wsa schoool. I did a lot of studying and hanging out with friends. That’s pretty normal for college, I think. I did more acting in my early twenties, and then…writing. Writing was my main hobby for my twenties and early thirties. I still wrote until my medical crisis, but I would not consider it an obsession.
Here’s the thing about special interests–I’m still not quite sure what separates them from hobbies. Like, I get theofficial definition, but I don’t think that necessarily fits. I think I would say that my current interest in Stray Kids is a hyperfixation/obsession, and I feel like it’s going to run its course pretty soon. It’s been nearly a year, and that’s the outlier for how long a hyperfixation lasts for me.
I’m at the point where it’s either going to taper out gradually or it’s just going to be a special interest. I consumed information and content in a way that makes it feel like it’s going to be a special interest, but I don’t think I can keep that kind of obsession going for over a year. Not to the intensity that I’ve felt it up to now.
I’m tired. I’ll write more tomorrow.