Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: obsessions

Special interests, hyperfixations, and obsessions, oh my! Part four

Posted on by • 0 Comments

The flu shot is still kicking my ass. I snoozed yesterday for a few hours at my desktop (contorting myself into some truly uncomfortable positions) and then crashed hard at around 2 a.m. I wok up around eight and theen snoozed a bit more. So in total, I probably got ten hours, but broken up and not completely restful. I’m snoozy now as well. I thought I got of fairly easily with my flu shit this time around, but I guess not. I feel like I’ve been hit by a Mac truck.

Back to obsessions vs. special interests vs. hyperfixations.

A was tellinsg me that there wasn’t necessarily a clean differetiation between special interests and hyperfixations. We’ve talked at length about how the stereotypical way autism is portrayed is, of course, influenced by the sexism–as is everything. It can’t be helped. We live in a sexist highly patriarchal world. The flavor is different in each country (and even down to each region), but there are very few places that aren’t touched by it–if any.

I mentioned in yesterday’s post how girls’ hobbies aren’t considered worthy of being hyperfixations the way boys’ hobbies are. I extrapolated even further that you have to split up those hobbies even further. Like, video games. Serious hardcore games are acceptable as special interests whereas casual games or cozy games aren’t. It’s funny how in the cozy game scene on YouTube, there are many female content creators, but very few in the hardcore gaming world. And the women in the latter are very bro-coded. They talk like guys and act like them, too. Calling each other “bro” (Gen Z’s version of dude, I guess) and calling everyone bitches. Sneering down on women and gatekeeping with the best (worst) of them.

I have tried to find female gamers who aren’t like that, but it’s so fucking hard. Or genderqueer/nonbinary/agender, but that’s even harder.

Even in the cozy games world, the few bigger content creators I know of are men. And I just can’t do it. I’ve had my lifetime quota of cishetwhite dudes, and I am simply unwilling to add another to my life.

Even in K-Pop content creation, the vast majority I’ve seen are male, and most of them, male and female (can’t find any genderqueer people) are casually sexist. Or not so casually sexist. “Bros” galore, which really irritates me. Even more so than “dudes”. Guys is the one I mind the least, but I still would prefer non-gendered expression af address, thank you very much. Plus, many of the Western reactors don’t know much about Korean (Eastern) culture, which is aggravating. I am NOT going to get into that right now, but it’s pretty constant.


Continue Reading

Special interests vs. hyperfixations, part three

Posted on by • 0 Comments

I was talking to my friend, A, about sepecial interests versus hyyperfixations because of my puzzlement over which is which. She was saying that it wasn’t that clear cut for many autistic people, specially those who are not cis boys. It’s a point I’ve read about before, how male hobbies were considered more acceptable as hyperfixations/special interests than female hobbies. This is true. Think about typical nerdy hobbies (board games, video games, etc.), and they are considered acceptable special interests. Fashion, makeup, clothing? Not so much.

Then, you have to split it up even more. Bear with me.

Let’s take video games. There are acceptable games for hardcore gamers and nonacceptable games. Casual games are, of course, not considered real games to the hardcore brogamers. If  you can’t tell, I roll my eyes hard at that subset of gamers because they are tedious at best and toxic at worst.

FromSoft went from being niche to being cool within the space of a decade. No matter where they fell on that spectrum, though, they were considered the gold bar of hard games. You were a real gamer if you played them–unless, of course, you didn’t play them in the correct* way.

I don’t play the games for the difficulty. I know how that sounds, but it’s true. I like the incredible worlds, environments, and level design. I put up with the difficulty because I enjoy everything else so much. I used to buy into the “you’re not a true From fan if you summon” bullshit, but not any longer. I’m on the “it’s a fucking game. Whatever makes it fun for you, go for it” bandwagon, and I have been for the entirety of Elden Ring.

If people want to solo the games, that’s their business. If it’s fun for them, so be it. I just hate that it’s considered the gold standard way to play the games by the self-appointed gatekeepers–at least it had been for Demon’s Souls and Dark Souls. It lesesned with each game, in general, even as it intensified in certain sectors. I remember when  I first played Dark Souls, it was several years after it came out. I bought into the insistence that if you didn’t solo all the bosses, you were shit. I ran headlong into a wall in the form of the Black Dragon Kalameet in the DLC. In addition, there were no summons for that boss, anyway. I can understand why. It’s a tedious fight with some bullshit attacks. It’s very much not a fun fight because Kalameet has so much goodamn health and way too much hyperarmor.

Anyway. In desperation, I went to look up tips for fighting Kalameet. I immediately found the toxicity of the FromSoft forums that persisted no matter the game. 1. Any build you do is wrong. No matter what build the original poster (OP) said they were using, there was at least one asshole who insisted on pushing his own build as the only way to beat the boss. 2. Git gud. I quickly grew to hate reading that phrase. Not only is it dismissive, it’s so fucking meaningless. I mean, that’s why people are asking for advice, damn it! Because they want to ‘git gud’, though they probably wouldn’t phrase it that way.


Continue Reading

Kvow when to walk away; know when to run, part two

Posted on by • 0 Comments

It’s funny. When I have a hyperfixation, it’s intense for the amount of time I’m into it, then it completely disappears. Whereas a special interest lasts forever (so far), but it waxes and wanes over time. I think  I have a hard time thinking that the latter applies to me because while I get obsessed with myy hyperfixations, I don’t with my special interests. Well, not to the same degree. And not depending on what it is.

My biggest special interest is martial arts weapons. Just the whole category. It’s the most important thing in my life. I just read the definition of special interest, and  Idon’t think I have anything that qualifies. It’s supposed to be an obsession that drives you to be the absolute expert in that category. It defines your identity and it it’s an integral part of you. While martial arts weapons certainly is a building block of my identity and an integral part of me, I cannot say that I’m obsessed with them. Again, I practice them every day, teach myself a new one on the daily, and watch videos of different weapon forms. However, I do not consider myself an expert nor do I have any interest in becoming one. I just enjoy them for the sake of doing them. My teacher says i’m a master because I’m teaching myself, but I don’t feel like a master.

I like that I can keep my interest in the weapons high, but not all-consuming. I have a harder time regulating my inteerst in certain video games. I can play some of them in a sensible manner, but others are more likely to get me all tripped up. When Elden Ring came out, I ate, breathed, and slept the game. I played for hours and forgot anything else existed. Now, four-plus years later, I can play it casually and not let it consume me. It’s still my chill-out game that I play when I want to relax.

It’s funny because I’ve started over a dozen playthroughs of the game. I’ve finished it at least five times and probably more like seven or eight. I’m now at the point where I lose interest because the second half of the game is not as good as the firstt (it’s the same with all the From games,  really). And I’m just now discovering some of the more powerful pyros. It’s funny because I’m all about the pyros. In this game, though, there are so many good incantations that I slept on the fire ones. The ranged options are the best in this game by far.

I mean, it doesn’t really matter if it’s an obsession, a special interest, or a hobby (my passion for martial arts weapons). In the end, all that really matters is that I enjoy learning/teaching myself weapon forms. It just bothers me, and I would like to settle it in my mind.

I would also like to be able to get solid sleep. That has nothing to do with me being autistic or not, but, wow, the struggle is real. I just woke up f rom a nap after not being able to sleep much last night–for no reason. Not that I need a reason not to be able to sleep–it happens more often than not.


Continue Reading

Rabbit holes, obsessions, and when to leave them

Posted on by • 0 Comments

Before I get into the topic of this post, I’m riding the blue wave that is happening across the country tonight. It’s the midterms, and Dems are flipping seats left and right. The (Republican) governor of Texas conceded to his Democratic opponent–who is a Latina. Gina Hinojosa. Greg Abbott had been governor since 2015–and it’s quite the shock that a Democrat won. Same in Georgia, except the winner was a black woman. Keisha Lance Bottoms. And, closer to home, Peggy Flanagon is the first Native American woman to be elected to the U.S. Senate, and I’m proud that I got to vote for her. I have more mixed emotions about our new governor, Amy Klobuchar, but it’s exciting to me that four out my five representatives (governor, US senator, US representative, MN rep, and MN Senator) wil be women. It also tickles me that Amy Klobuchar might be able to directly appoint her replacement once she becomes governor (she’s a US senator, currently).

As I read all the results about an hour ago, i let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. There had been rumblings that we would have a blue wave, but I didn’t dare to hope. Things were so bleak and terrible, I half-believed that tthere would be shenangians and the Republicans would steal everything.

Instead, the Dems have taken back the House and the Senate. Several key seats have flipped. As I noted above, the South has risen, and it’s become blue! Or at least purple with blue happening in key positions.

Now, on the one hand, this isn’t unusual when the current administration is doing a shitty job or the economy is tanking (or there’s a pandemic) for the opposing party to win key seats. However, what is unusual is who won these seats. There are a lot of ‘first ever’, and they are mostly women of color.

This reminds me of when the entire Saint Paul Congress-elect in 2024 were women. They still are. Six out of the seven are women of color, and they are all under forty. Now, the St. Paul mayor is a Hmong woman, KeohlyHer (started this year), and she’s the first female and the first Asian American mayor of Saint Paul. They all worked hard to do this, and it was historic.

I have hope for the first time in a long time. Normally, I would steel my heart against it, but I’m just riding it out this time. We fucking deserve it after the hellscape of the last two years, and I’m savoring every  minute. If it causes the orange-haired blowhard to have a meltdown, even better. I mean, he has one on the daily, anyway, so might as well get something out of it.

I am so pleased with the results for tonight. Of course I voted. It’s the least I can do. MN has one of the highest voter turnouts in the country (ranked first three times in the last decade, and usually in the top five), which makes me proud. My guess is that it’s in part because you can sign up to vote on election day at your polling station as long as you’re able to confirm your local address. It can be as easy as having a local registered voter confirming your address. Or a bill with your local address. Or a photo ID like a MN license. It’s so easy, and we want people to vote. Ahem.


Continue Reading

More musing about martial arts

Posted on by • 0 Comments

Let’s talk about martial arts some more. Why? Because I’ve been thinking about the obsessions I have in my life. I have the type of personality neuroatypical brain that latches onto something and won’t let go–for a given amount of time. It can be a few months like black “diamonds”, jigsaw puzzles, musical soundtracks (like Moulin Rouge and Rent), and cheesecake. I used to bake back in the day, and cheesecake was my obsession for a hot second. Yes, I even made one. It was pretty good!

These obsessions are fast and fleeting. They last a month or three, but when I’m done with them, I’m done. This is me in general, though. I run through things and people, and once I’m finished–I’m finished. This can be books, websites, games, or people. My last therapist (about two decades ago) told me somewhat acerbically that it wasn’t a good thing. I knew that, but that didn’t mean it was easy to change.

Part of the probelm was that I poured everything I had into that one thing/person. Once I reached the end of it or felt I wasn’t getting reciprocated love, I was D-O-N-E. And I very rarely changed my mind. VERY rarely.

When I was younger (in my twenties), I felt bad that I was like this. I felt it meant I was fickle or not serious about my interests. It wasn’t until after my medical crisis that I felt more at peace with the fact that if I liked something intensely for a month and then never wanted to think of it again, it was ok. It’s also when I realized that I was neuroatypical.

There’s another kind of obsession that is sustaining, but more lowkey. Meaning, I don’t think about it all the time, but it comes up occasionally, and then I’m very much into it. I would put Poirot novels in that category. I loved them when I was younger, and I’ve read every one at least three times and some of them up to several dozen times. I’ve seen the David Suchet series several times as well. in fact, I may be up for another watch–except I have to sub-subscribe to two different British producers in order to watch the whole series, which makes me VERY cranky.

These are things that make me instantly happy when I think of them, which isn’t often. I think the fact that I can be absorbed with them for a very short period of time and then put them down again makes it easier for my interest to sustain itself. I think the way to describe my casual interests (as it were) is that I have a finite amount of time for them. If I stuff myself to the gills with them for a month, then I’m done. If I ration it out for obsessing a week at a time or so, then I can sustain my interest for longer.

Here’s the thing. I know my brain works this way; I really do. I know that if I like something, I am going to be obsessed with it to a certain extent. It’s the same with people. I will give and give and get really into someone–and then, at some point, I’ll lose complete interest. This isn’t with everyone, but it happens often.


Continue Reading