I tend towards inertia. I know that’s true in general, but it’s really strong in me. Even if I’m in a negative situation, I will suffer through it rather than take the necessary steps to change. For example–my health. Right now, it’s a hot steaming mess. I’m very bitter because I had almost three years…three? Two? It’s three. Beginning of May, 2017, is when I cut dairy and gluten out of my diet. So, two-and-a-half years of a decent digestive system before it exploded on me again.
I was reading a thread on AAM about Celiac Disease, and the OP was saying she had been gluten-free for two years. Slipped recently, and has had issues since. Doctor said she had to go back on gluten in order to be tested for Celiac. Her question was if it was worth it or not. I had a similar situation in that the last time I talked to my doc, she informed me I’d have to go back on gluten before I could be tested for an allergy/intolerance to it.
One of the commenters in the above thread said that she had to do that and while it was worth it in the end, she felt as if she were poisoning herself at the time. That’s exactly how I feel about it, though I had never really thought about it in that way. I already know that I have a bad reaction to gluten and dairy, so why the hell would I put myself through it deliberately? I’m pretty sure I don’t have Celiac, but it would be comforting to have an actual diagnosis. Also, adding back foods one by one is a way to pinpoint which specific foods make my stomach react. I would love to be able to add cheddar cheese back into my diet, for example, but I’m very afraid of having a negative reaction to it.
Intellectually, I know it’s not the worst thing in the world. Yes, it’s uncomfortable to sit on the toilet for an hour and have a raw asshole by the end. It’s not great to have a cramped and bloated stomach, either. It’s not going to kill me, though, and it’ll be gone in the morning. In other words, it’s an intense feeling, but a transient one. In addition, I’m in the ideal position to do this experiment because I’m never far from the bathroom.
I’m taking the reintroduction phase of the diet slowly, and so far, garlic is a no-go and onion and honey are fine. In the aforementioned thread, the OP asked if an instant negative reaction to any given food was enough or if they should give it time. I was interested in the responses which were varied. They seemed to tilt more to the bad reaction not getting better over time. I would love to be able to keep garlic in my diet, but the reactions were not great.
It’s a question of short-term discomfort versus long-term health. It’s the uncertainty that gets to me, though. If I could know that in a week or two I would be able to adapt to the food in question, then I would suffer through the immediate pain without qualm. I know that’s not the way this works, though, so I have to just deal with the discomfort as it arises. For now, garlic is on the no list. When I’m done with everything else, then I’ll see if I want to try it again. Because garlic!
In the back of my mind, my idea is that I’ll only add back the current things I’m testing. However, the idea of being able to add back some gluten and dairy is tantalizing me. But when I think about doing it, it *does* feel as if I’m poisoning myself. Roughly a year after I cut out all dairy and gluten, I went to Malta with my parents and Ian. They are known for their pasta, of course, so I decided to lift the ban for a day or two. I had a big plate of pasta with cheese for two days in a row, and it was terrible for my system.
The person in the above thread who reintroduced gluten into her diet to see what would happen for her Celiac testing said she went overboard and really gluten-loaded. Made her feel terrible as it was happening. I could totally see myself doing that. In fact, I’ve joked about having a day of eating all the forbidden delights, but it’s not a joke. I tend to have an all-or-none personality, much to my dismay. It’s not that unusual, really, as it’s the concept of scarcity. It’s natural to hoard and store up when you think you’re going to have to do without for any amount of time. It’s why these days, a good diet doesn’t recommend making anything off limits. It makes the forbidden food that much more attractive, and I can tell you from my days of restrictive dieting that I used to spend hours looking at photos of luscious desserts like trifle. The last time I gave up gluten, dairy, and sugar (about twenty years ago), it was when there weren’t many good substitutes. I managed to last four months until I was literally dreaming of pizza.
Nowadays, there are several good substitutes that don’t include tapioca bread and arrowroot as the base. I mean, just with milk, there are a ton of substitutes. Lactose-free, almond, hemp, flax, soy, cashew, oat, pea protein, and mixtures of two such as almost cashew. I’ve tried almost all the substitutes and while cashew milk is my fave, it’s on the no-go list. For now. It’s going to be something I try to add back fairly soon because it is by far the best of the lot.
I try not to get fixated by what I can’t eat, and I was fine before the latest round of stomach issues. Now, however, I can’t help thinking about how unfair it is. I know life isn’t fair–something my mother hammered into my brain over and over again when I was a child. Any time I would say something wasn’t fair, she would say life isn’t fair. My retort was, “But it should be!” Which I still believe forty years later. I know it’s not fair. I know it will never be fair. I can’t stop thinking it should be fair, even though it’s to my detriment.
I’m tired of thinking about what I eat. I’m tired of worrying if this is the thing that will cause my stomach to explode. And, even when I’m not worried about it, it can happen, anyway. There are two things I know I need to do, and they are two things I so do not want to do. Two things I hate to do more than almost anything. One is see the doctor. I can’t tell you how wrought that is, especially since I have to find a new doctor. That’s stressful in the best of times, and this is not the best of time at all. I want a diagnosis. Or if that’s not possible, then at least enough testing to rule out a bunch of shit. I’m doing the best I can on my own, but I fear it’s not good enough. Also, doctors study this shit–I do not. Even given the medical community’s, um, negligence when it comes to non-white dudes and medicine, they have more of a base knowledge than I do.
The second thing I have to do is, sigh, cook. I hate it so much. I tried with the Instapot, and that was a resounding failure. I can cook; I just don’t see the point. But it’s much easier to control the ingredients if I actually cook. Currently, I’m simply adding the new food directly into whatever I’m eating/drinking. I have a hunch that won’t work as well with some of the other foods, so I need to find at least some simple recipes that will carry me for the next few months.
As I said in the lede paragraph, I tend towards inertia. That means that I don’t actually get off my ass and do something until it becomes more uncomfortable for me to remain static than to make a change. I’m reaching that point with my digestive issues. There’s no turning back now.