When I was in my twenties, I realized I didn’t want to have children. More to the point, I realized I didn’t have to have them–if I was willing to push back on the societal message that a woman is nothing if she doesn’t breed. I got a lot of shit for it, only from women, I’d like to point out*. Men were harmful to me in other gendered ways, but the expectation to uphold gender stereotypes was mostly foisted on me by women. I should squish down my boobs because they were too big. I should wear makeup because–well, just because. Heels, skirts, and acting more ‘feminine’ was explicitly voiced by women. We like to talk about solidarity, but the underbelly is that women can be just as zealous about upholding the patriarchy as men–if not more so.
I have been frank about my decision not to have children (I started typing ‘make babies’, which, accurate). I never brought it up unbidden, but I made it clear that I did not want them. I did not say that it was bad to want children or that no one should have them. I only said in answer to being asked that I, myself, did not want them. That’s it. I was so naïve in thinking that this was a decision that only mattered to me. That I could tell other women and they would be like, “Oh, that’s nice. How about sharing some nachos?”
Nope! The more benign responses consisted of them just questioning why I didn’t want them or laughingly assuming I’d change my mind. Even if I did change my mind at some point, why not just accept that was my decision at the time? I know why. Patriarchy. It was unthinkable that a woman-shaped person in her early-to-mid twenties could possibly not want children. The worse responses were the women who got angry at me. I really did not anticipate this. They weren’t just angry at my decision not to have kids; they thought it carried some referendum on them. They actually said to me that if I didn’t want kids, what must I think of them for having them/wanting to have them?
I didn’t tell them that I thought nothing of them or their decision. Believe me, I did not spend my time judging people for having children. It meant nothing to me, any more than would their decision to say, buy a house. I’d be happy for them if that’s what they wanted, but it didn’t affect me at all. That’s the part I didn’t understand. Why my decision had anything to do with them at all. It wasn’t until nearly a decade later that I finally got i.t They had bought into the toxic societal messaging that a woman’s first and only duty was to have children. They had complied because they believed it was what they had to do. Then I came along with my not-having-children-ness right in their face. Not only did I not have kids nor wanted them, but I acted as if the societal norm didn’t exist. Which to me, it didn’t. I mean, it existed and was real, but it meant nothing to me. I didn’t want children; therefore, I could ignore everything that had to do with having them.
That’s what made them so angry because if they had to suffer, so did I. Me ignoring the society expectation of having kids laid bare the myth that a woman HAD to have them. Yes, there’s a lot of pressure to do so, but it wasn’t compulsory. At least, not yet. No police is going to come into my house and arrest me for not procreating. Again, at least not yet. So I was able to go about my merry way and continue to not have children. Yes, my mother gave me major shit about it, but I ignored her as well (though that took a severe toll on my mental health). I refused to have a child because I did not want one. That really is all you need to know about that.
But.
I will say that I read the Slate’s Care and Feeding column because I like advice columns. I don’t like every columnist, mind you, but there are a few who are really good. There was one question from a mother who was tired of her son telling her that he didn’t like her when she tried to enact some consequence for his misbehavior. She wrote in saying she was so tired of hearing that when she was keeping him alive. Her way of dealing with it was to tell him he hurt her feelings when he said that. Which made me cringe. The columnist said that his sister-in-law responded by saying super-sweetly, “Well I love you!” which also made me cringe.
Honestly? My response would be something like, “I don’t like you much either right now. I need you to get away from me for three days so I don’t snap at you.” That’s not something you can say to your kid unless you’re willing to pay for therapy for them when they are older. But I don’t think either of the other answers are that great, either. I think it’s normal to feel hurt when someone tells you that they don’t like you, but if your response to that every time is to say how much it hurts your feeling, then you’re making your kids responsible for your feelings. It happened to me when I was a kid. I was not allowed to have any negative emotions because they would hurt my mother. But I had to listen to all her negative feelings about her marriage every since I could remember.
I think the best response would be something like, “You don’t have to like me, but you do have to ______” whatever it was you requested the child do in the first place. Because their feelings aren’t what’s important here. But this is actually one of the reasons I never had kids–I could not deal with that kind of attitude on the regular. I don’t spend time with people who don’t like me. I’ve done that enough with my parents; I would not want to do that with any kid I had. Does that make me selfish? Yes. Is it good that I recognize being selfish and didn’t have kids? I think also yes.
It’s funny that me stating baldly that I would have been a bad mother makes people uncomfortable. They rush in to reassure me that I would have been a good mother or that I couldn’t know that or that it would have been different with my own kids. The first is based on the fact that I am good with kids and they really like me. Well, that’s because I treat them like normal human beings and because I know that I can give them back after five minutes or a few hours if I’m babysitting. As to it being different with my own kids, that’s patently not true. Or rather, it’s not a guarantee. There are plenty of people who abuse their children. Again, isn’t it better that I recognized that could potentially be me before I had kids?
It was funny to me that women would try so hard to convince me that I should have kids and that I would love it in the end when it was so obviously untrue to me. I know myself very well (which is both a blessing and a curse) and I knew that I would be miserable as a parent. Which, is also not something you’re supposed to say out loud, apparently. It’s the same as them trying to convince me that I need to wear makeup or heels. It’s performative femininity that I have no need for. And for me, being a parent is the same. It’s not for me and if I did it, it would have only been to appease the Negative Nancys who could not BELIEVE that you can be fulfilled as a woman without having children.
I do wonder where those women are now and if they are happy with their life choices. Despite my irritation with how they treated me, I hope they are. Because it would suck to be a parent and regret that choice. Much better not to have children and not regret that choice–which is exactly where I stand.
*This, by the way, is the biggest reason I’ve questioned my gender identity. Mostly women questioning me about not being a ‘real woman’ because I __________ (fill in the blank with stereotypical gender tropes).