Ask A Manager posts a new post around 11 p.m. (Minnatime) Sunday night – Thursday night. Last night, I read the post for today and immediately knew it was going to be, shall we say politely, a fucking shit show. One of the questions was from someone who was a member of Overeaters Anonymous and needed to weigh their food as part of their recovery program. They were going to have a lunch with their boss’s boss and was going to bring their scale with them. They didn’t think it was a big deal (think it was a she, but don’t want to presume), but their husband said it would be off-putting to the boss’s boss. They ended the letter with this:
I just plan to say I have a food plan from a nutritionist and it requires me to weigh my food. It’s true and I don’t think anyone would care. What do you think?
I knew immediately that they were being naive, and my heart hurt for them. I also knew that the commentariat would be mostly against the bringing the scale, but, man. I did not expect the intensitiy of the negativity,y shall we say. And while I absolutely should have expected all the people with dieting advice or morality judgment, it was a bit overwhelming.
Someone pointed out that breast pumps, prosthetics, and such were also out of the norm, but they slowly became normalized the more people had them/used them. A few people pointed out that ‘business norms’ don’t change if, well, no one actually does anything to change them. Plus, the reactions from a few old people (and, yes, I do know their general age) were very harsh. “You’ll look like a degenerate and no one will take you seriously! You will never, ever, ever be promoted!” I’m paraphrasing.
“Eyeball the proportions!” Um…LW did not ask for dieting tips and there’s a specific purpose in weighing the food. I can’t do it myself because my particular eating disorder was based on knowing the calories of everything I ate. I had to deliberately ignore that info for several years after. Which, was just around the time that putting the carlorie on everything. That was a harrowing time for me.
There were a few good suggestions, including from Alison to call ahead of time and see if there was anything on the menu that would work. She said it shouldn’t matter, but it probably would. That’s something I appreciate about Alison–she’s honest about how something might be bullshit, but it was still something to think about. There have been interesting posts about what she has changed her mind about over the years. I like that she’s able to admit when she made a mistake or when she’s changed the way she thinks.
I think the best suggestions were to go ahead of time to the restaurant (assuming it was a restaurant) and way a meal then–assuming that the portion sizes were pretty consistent. One thing people don’t know or don’t care about is that people are lousy about eyeballing anything. And, the fact that the letter writer said they had to weigh their food specifically rather than ‘eyeball’ the portion size.
Other things that did not help: more than one person saying this was unhealthy behavior. Weighing their food, I mean. You are not their doctor. You aren’t qualified to make a blanket statement like that. And a few people did–said that anyone weighing their food was engaging in problematic behavior.
It was wild how much sthit people threw into this post. As I commented, I was disappointed, but not surprised. Our society is fucked up in general when it comes to food, eating, and dieting. It’s how women bond, sadly (dating), which I have railed against in prior posts. There is so much culturally wrapped up in food. I’m not surprised, but I don’t quite get it. Breaking bread together? Yeah, I understand that it’s important. But not to the point of rigidity.
It’s funny how even self-professed progressives can be so conservative in some ways. We’re talking about a small scale to weigh one’s food. It really isn’t that big of a deal. I did think to myself as soon as I read the qusetion that the letter writer would be judged, but I don’t get the moral scoldiness that several people evinced. The clutching of the pearls and saying it’s SO unprofessional. Seriously. It’s a fucking small scale that they weigh their food on. Is it odd? Yes. Is it unusual? Also yes. But something worth clutching pearls over? Nope.
Then again, I think most social norms are overrated. As I’ve written about before. In addition, because I have so many restrictions when it comes to eating, I tend to be much more sympathetic to other people’s eating issues. If I saw someone weighing their food before eating it, I would be on alert that it was some kind of disorder. Because of my own experiences and because it’s far more common for it to be a signal of being too focused on calories, that would be the way my brain goes. But I would still feel empathy for the person because eating issues are hell.
People pointed out that in some ways, drug and alcohol addictions are easier to deal with becasue you can give them up completely. You don’t HAVE to drink alcohol or take drugs (recreationally). Same with smoking. But you have to eat in order to live, so you can’t completely avoid it. You’re forced to deal with the issue of your addiction if you have an eating disorder.
Another suggestions given to the letter writer that I thought was good was to bring the scale and say that they needed to weigh their food for medical reasons. Some people disparaged that, saying it would invite questions. To which I would say, so? It’s the same with any other medical issues. They can ask questions, but they are not entitled to answers.
So many people tacitly supporting bad behavior on this post. “I’m not saying I would feel this way, but–” If you’re not part of the solution, then you ar e part of the problem. It really annoys me when people say the meanest shit and then tack on the disclaimer that they don’t feel that way, of course.
I’m not saying it’s not weird–it is. But maybe change your own thinking about it? Examine why you think it’s a travesty and stop thinking that if you realize it’s not? Changing society is one step at a time–or a revolution. Your choice.