I’m still thinking about anarchy per my convo with Ian yesterday. In this case, though, I’m thinking about it in terms of business norms and how they’re used to keep people in line. I was reading an Ask A Manager post from 2016. It was from a manager who wanted to tell her young report (in customer-facing healthcare) that ‘oil slick’ blue in her black hair was unprofessional. The letter wirter (LW) said it wasn’t in the dress code, so how could she address it?
Even back then, Alison asked if the LW was sure it needed to be addressed. Alison said times were changing and ‘unnatural’ hair colors were becoming more acceptable. And, I must saay, post-pandemic (current endemic) me thinks this is a non-issue. I mean, if your biggest problem at work is the color of your report’s hair, well, I can’t help you.
I have never understood it, though. When I worked at the county, I had extensions tied into my hair. They were of colors that were obviously not my own–blue, green, brown, red, etc. Not at the same time, but I would change them every three months or so. One of the muckety-mucks at the county (I worked on the floor with the heads of many different deparctments) asked me if I had changed the color in my hair the night before. I said no, I just got the extensions changed. It didn’t occur to me that he was disapproving of the blue streaks in my black hair, but I wouldn’t have cared if I had realized it.
I was an admin assistant to the director of the Diversity Training department. And Asian. It would not have been a good look on his part to question me about my hair. More to the point, I wouldn’t have cared. For whatever reason, despite all my mental health issues and my self-confidence issues, I just could never make myself care what the bosses thought about shit like that. It was too silly for words. I know that’s a privileged place to be, but I wish more people were in that position.
Look. I odn’t question all rules and laws. Such as driving laws. I think when you’re in two tons of metal, there should be rules governing who should go wihch way and in what order. I don’t want anyone dying on the streets, yo. But in terms of hair color…who cares. Honestly. Same with tats as long as they are not offensive. I will admit that I would pause if I saw someone who had them on the face, but other than that, who cares? Same with piercings. I also don’t think women and female-presenting people should have to wear bras or makeup, or shave their armpits/legs. There. I said it. Dudes and male-presenting people should not have to wear ties or starched collars. Back to the female side–hosiery and heels, naw, son.
Basicalyl, if a person is wearing clean clothing and has all their bits covered, it really shouldn’t matter (barring regulations for safety, of course). I get really sad over how many women strenuously defend bras, heels, makeup, hosiery, etc., for work. I don’t care if they want to do it themselves, but every time one of these questions come up (do I have to wear ______ at work?), there are always women who will say yes. Either covertly or overtly. Letter writer states they explicitly don’t want to, say, wear makeup to work. Dozens of women in the commentariat: Have you thought of maybe wearing a little makeup? Even for letter writers who are firm about not wanting to wear makeup.
There was a question about bras at work post-pandemic. I and several other AFAB people said that we would quit a job that stated we had to wear bras. A commenter said that was a privileged position to be in. I repiled that part of the point of having privilege is to use tha tprivilege when you can. Otherwise, what’s the fucking point? When people tell others to check their privilege, they’re missing the second half–that the person checking said privilege should decide what they’re going to do with it.
I pointed out that people with privilge using it to help out others is a good thing. Otherwise, the person with privilege is just the person with privilege, while the person without it continues to not have it. So in this case, if I were to point out that it was a shitty dress code and that I was not having it, well, that would at least make management aware of the issue. Not to mention that the question assumed ideas about gender that are becoming antiquated. As I do not identify as a woman but have huge boobs, what would they say about me? I have not worn a bra in years, and I absolutely would die on that hill.
Someone said it wasn’t a big deal and just wear the bra. I retorted if it wasn’t a big deal, why should the person have to wear a bra? People don’t like it when you flip the script on them like that. If it’s not a big deal to wear the bra (which, arguaable), then it shouldn’t be a big deal not to wear it.
More sadly, there were more than one woman who said that any hint of nipple disgusted them. Like just the shading or the slight darkening or any jiggle. The self-hatred is sad to me. And, no, I don’t buy the claim that it’s just that they don’t want to think sexual thoughts at work. Nipples in and of themselves are not sexual. Boobs aren’t either. I mean, they can be in context, but a covered boob is not sexual in and of itself.
I feel like Dorothy at the end of The Wizard of Oz. There is a man behind the curtain, and he’s no wizard. The emperor has no clothes and all that. What really matters? I would argue nothing physical should matter. I know that optics are a thing, but I’m arguing that they shouldn’t be. And that as long as people keep saying they are a thing as if that were written in stone, there will be no change. No, nobody is obligated to change the world, but if someone is willing to try, why shout them down?
It just reminds me that the patriarchy is often upheld by women even more enthusiastically than by men. I get it, but I don’t get it at the same time. Or rather, I get it in the big picture, but why not try to take baby steps when you can?