Underneath my yellow skin

Tag Archives: food

Weight, dieting, food, and society

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Ask A Manager posts a new post around 11 p.m. (Minnatime) Sunday night – Thursday night. Last night, I read the post for today and immediately knew it was going to be, shall we say politely, a fucking shit show. One of the questions was from someone who was a member of Overeaters Anonymous and needed to weigh their food as part of their recovery program. They were going to have a lunch with their boss’s boss and was going to bring their scale with them. They didn’t think it was a big deal (think it was a she, but don’t want to presume), but their husband said it would be off-putting to the boss’s boss. They ended the letter with this:

I just plan to say I have a food plan from a nutritionist and it requires me to weigh my food. It’s true and I don’t think anyone would care. What do you think?

I knew immediately that they were being naive, and my heart hurt for them. I also knew that the commentariat would be mostly against the bringing the scale, but, man. I did not expect the intensitiy of the negativity,y shall we say. And while I absolutely should have expected all the people with dieting advice or morality judgment, it was a bit overwhelming.

Someone pointed out that breast pumps, prosthetics, and such were also out of the norm, but they slowly became normalized the more people had them/used them. A few people pointed out that ‘business norms’ don’t change if, well, no one actually does anything to change them. Plus, the reactions from a few old people (and, yes, I do know their general age) were very harsh. “You’ll look like a degenerate and no one will take you seriously! You will never, ever, ever be promoted!” I’m paraphrasing.

“Eyeball the proportions!” Um…LW did not ask for dieting tips and there’s a specific purpose in weighing the food. I can’t do it myself because my particular eating disorder was based on knowing the calories of everything I ate. I had to deliberately ignore that info for several years after. Which, was just around the  time that putting the carlorie on everything. That was a harrowing time for me.

There were a few good suggestions, including from Alison to call ahead of time and see if there was anything on the menu that would work. She said it shouldn’t matter, but it probably would. That’s something I appreciate about Alison–she’s honest about how something might be bullshit, but it was still something to think about. There have been interesting posts about what she has changed her mind about over the years. I like that she’s able to admit when she made a mistake or when she’s changed the way she thinks.

I think the best suggestions were to go ahead of time to the restaurant (assuming it was a restaurant) and way a meal then–assuming that the portion sizes were pretty consistent. One thing people don’t know or don’t care about is that people are lousy about eyeballing anything. And, the fact that the letter writer said they had to weigh their food specifically rather than ‘eyeball’ the portion size.

Other things that did not help: more than one person saying this was unhealthy behavior. Weighing their food, I mean. You are not their doctor. You aren’t qualified to make a blanket statement like that. And a few people did–said that anyone weighing their food was engaging in problematic behavior.

It was wild how much sthit people threw into this post. As I commented, I was disappointed, but not surprised. Our society is fucked up in general when it comes to food, eating, and dieting. It’s how women bond, sadly (dating), which I have railed against in prior posts. There is so much culturally wrapped up in food. I’m not surprised, but I don’t quite get it. Breaking bread together? Yeah, I understand that it’s important. But not to the point of rigidity.


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‘Healthy’ is a yet another dog whistle

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I hate food culture in America. I just want to say that up front because I’ve been thinking about it lately. I re-read posts on Ask A Manager, and I’ve been absorbed in one about a nonprofit charity that deals with people with a certain chronic disease (and how to help them eat healthily*. That wasn’t what the letter was about. The letter was from someone who worked there who asked how to implement a:

healthy eating policy that is respectful and non-judgmental.

My immediate response on re-reading that question was, “There isn’t. Next?” Which, to be fair, many, many, many people pointed out. But, reading the comments reminded me again about how deeply endemic these issues are in our society.

To be clear. The vast majority of people were against the policy as it stood. Oh, the policy would be…not even sure, but something about eating similar to what they’re pushing their clients to eat? I don’t know, but the letter writer, named QuestionSubmitter, elaborated in the comments. They were shamed for bringing chocolate into the office so ended up eating it in their car. They said in their letter that there were people who ran their food program who were frustrated that they “had” to police their coworkers food choices. I put had in quotes because they didn’t have to. They were doing it all of their own volition. What’s more, there wasn’t support from the uppers in this push for ‘healthy’ eating. The uppers wanted cupcakes at meetings, which did not bode well for a policy.

Alison’s response was wonderful and hit most of the important points I had in mind. It was interesting to see how people pushed back, though. There was a woman who compared a food policy to a dress code, which, no. I mean, I think most dress codes are ridiculous, too, but in most cases, you can’t get sick from those restrictions. The same woman said something like we can all agree that certain foods aren’t healthy–like Skittles. Several people pointed out that Skittles were perfect for diabetics who needed a quick hit of sugar.

Other people said it was getting into not everyone can eat sandwiches territory (adhering to the very special/rare cases), but it’s not because a blanket policy will affect many different people in different ways. In the comments, people were giving their specific dietary restrictions such as several needed to eat more salt than was recommended. Another could not eat leafy greens. Then there were those who were celiacs and/or had Crohn’s disease. The point being that what was healthy for some was not healthy for others.

Other people said it’s easy to eat healthy by societal standards (lots of vegs and fruits), but they included a lot of meat beacuse they lift weights. Somebody pointed out that lots of meat would be considered unhealthy by many doctors, which is true. It was discouraging that a very vocal minority wanted to dismiss food deserts as a problem.

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My body hates me–and the feeling is mutual

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I hate my body right now. This is not unusual for me as I’ve hated it for most of my life. I was a chubby kid starting when I was seven for many reasons, and my mother put me on my first diet. One of the things I remember her saying from that time was, “You have such a beautiful face if only you weren’t so chubby.” She was a big believer in vegetables and fruits, and she didn’t allow much junk in the house. All of this started me down the road of body shame to the point of body dysmorphia, It also gave me a food hoarder mentality, and I still don’t like to share my food.

Side Note: My mother has had body issues my whole life as well (yes, my life. I don’t know about life before me, obviously, but I suspect it was there from the start). She’s tiny–roughly 5’3″ and petite. She’s been heavier in the past, and she’s always obsessed with losing five pounds. It doesn’t help that she comes from a culture that is even more oppressive about women being fat (Taiwan) than America’s, so it’s something she unthinkingly handed down to me.

It shows up in small ways as well as big ones. Such as her talking about her diet whenever she was on one (which was basically thirty years). It was her policing my food to the point that I didn’t eat fruits and/or vegetables for years in my thirties because I was so pissed off about it. It was tricksy as her adopting the tone of ‘I’m only concerned about your health’ when I confronted her about it. Fortunately, I knew that was bullshit because she never said a word when I was anorexic/bulimic other than to comment jealously how my waist was smaller than hers.

It got so bad, I had to explicitly tell her that she couldn’t talk about my weight (this was when I was at my heaviest). Predictably, that’s when she wanted to make it about my health. Hell, she probably even believed it, but as I noted, she never had a problem with me being dangerously skinny other than to envy me, so it’s never been about my health. It’s been about how she hates having a big fat galoot of a woman for a daughter–except, she can’t handle having a too-small woman as her daughter, either. I don’t know what ‘just right’ would have been, but I suspect she didn’t know, either. It wasn’t about me, you see–it was about her.


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My health is on my mind, and my mind is on my health

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all the dumplings.
Oh, how I miss dumplings!

I am an idiot.

I recently read the ingredients in a veggie burger I commonly buy. I don’t know why I hadn’t read it at the time as normally I am very rigid about that, but for some reason, veggie burger in my mind equaled GF/DF. Which is ridiculous because I am the first to point out that vegan is not the same as GF. Anyway, it had both wheat and dairy (most likely traces), which is one thing that has been causing me problems. I am not going to eat it again, obviously, but it underscored how I need to be hypervigilant about what I eat. Which I definitely am not.

In the last week, I’ve had two episodes of eating something that previously had not caused any problems and then immediately having to run to the bathroom. Then, it was a half hour of communing with the commode while cursing out my stomach. It happened once before this a few weeks ago, which I wrote about. That time it happened, I woke in the middle of the night and had to run to the bathroom again. I barely made it in time because I was dazed with sleep, and I nearly fell asleep  while I was on the toilet. That was a surreal experience, and it’s one I don’t want to repeat again.

I thought it might be the peanut butter (all natural) that had caused the reaction, so I switched to cashew butter which has a milder flavor. I prefer peanut butter, but the cashew butter was a good substitute. It was fine the first few times I used it, but the third or fourth time, I had the same reaction and raced to the bathroom.

I’ve used that brand of GF bread with no issues for several months, so unless they changed their ingredients (which, you never know), it’s not that. I don’t think it’s the jam, but again, who knows? That’s the most frustrating things with food allergies–it’s a bunch of ‘who knows?’. The second incident happened after I made an egg salad sandwich with the same bread, lactose-free cream cheese, and egg salad from the co-op. There is no ingredient in the egg salad that I recognize as something I can’t have, but I’ve had a bad reaction to the egg salad before. I also thought it might be the lactose-free cream cheese because it still has < 1% lactose, which is greater than 0%. I’ve had the lactose-free sour cream (made by the same company), and I haven’t had any intense reaction to it, but I’ve had a squidgy stomach in general for the past few weeks.

It’s really depressing because it makes me not want to eat at all. If every time I eat I have to worry about racing to the bathroom and staying there, well, that’s a disincentive. My asshole has been sore and my digestive system has been grumpy. I know I have to figure out what exactly is fucking me up, but I don’t have the energy to do that.

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The (mental) journey from fat to fit

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oh, how i wish.
Like this, but not as hot.

I was talking with Ian yesterday about how anxiety works because we’ve both experienced it in our lives. Still do, but to a lesser degree. We were talking about how worrying about all this stupid shit that you can’t really do anything about is a way to not focus on things that are actually a problem in your life, but that you don’t want to deal with. I mentioned trying to eat better–

Side note: We both realized in Malta that we were fatter than we felt comfortable with. Air France has really short seat belts probably because the French hate everything and everyone (joke/not a joke. Will never return to Charles de Gaulle), and I could barely click it. Once we were cleared, I took it off and didn’t put it back on until we were landing. In Malta, I felt even worse because I couldn’t walk for ten minutes without getting tired. Yes, part of it was the heat, but it’s also that I’m not in great shape. Anyway, back to my narrative.

I said that I wanted to eat better, but I’m not doing anything about it. Ian quickly exclaimed that I had done a lot. I paused to really think about it because he was right. I cut out gluten and dairy a year and three months ago, and that was the start of an arduous journey. Giving up wheat and dairy was surprisingly easy especially as there are so many tasty alternatives these days, and I don’t miss anything. Well, except cheese. I miss cheese a lot. And dumplings. And pizza. It’s OK, though. *sigh*

I’m also adding back in fruits and veggies. I ate a ton when I was a kid because my mom made me. It won’t surprise you to find out that I rebelled as an adult by not eating any at all. I really was cutting off my nose to spite my own face because I like most fruits and several vegetables. I eat an orange a day, and veggies in the deli food I get from the co-op. I try to eat at least one other fruit a day to get my five in.

Next up, I have cut way back on my caffeine. I drank up to sixty ounces of it a day (yes, I know that’s not how caffeine is measured, but it’s how I view it), and now I’m at eight or less (most days). Meaning, I went from five-ish cups to one. I’ve mostly stopped drinking coffee, substituting tea in its place. Currently, I’m giving up chips and other nibbles which for some reason I started eating again after I gave it up the last time. I find that it’s means I’m less anxious and jittery, which is a net positive. I don’t even miss my Diet Coke. I had a few while I was in Malta and when I’m eating out, and to be honest, it tastes weird to me now. So, yes. I’ve made big changes. I eat better overall now than I did a year-and-a-half ago. And yet, I still have so far to go.

Let me be clear. I hate the way I look. When I glance in the mirror and see all the roundness, I flinch. I look monstrous and grotesque to my eyes, especially my face and my belly. I’m not the biggest I’ve ever been, but it certainly feels that way. I had thought when I cut out dairy and gluten, I would naturally lose some weight. I didn’t. I think it’s because of the aforementioned delicious substitutes that are readily available these days that I didn’t really feel the pinch. And (and now we’re getting to the meat of the post) it’s because I don’t cook.

*sigh*

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