I”ve talked several times in the past about how I tend to be good at things from the start. I can pick up things with eas, which is a blessing for the most part. I’m not going to blow smoke up your ass and say, “woe in me. I learn things quickly. That really sucks”. Because it doesn’t. It’s awesome to learn things quickly. I like being able to pick things up the first or second time. I am not complaining about that. At all.
However.
There is a downside to being a fast learner.
A bit of background first. My mother expected me to be the best at everything. There is the Tiger Mom stereotype of Asian mothers, but it wasn’t that, exactly. She wasn’t mean about it, and she didn’t put me down or tell me I was worthless. Yes, she made me feel that way, but it wasn’t intentional. I’m not excusing her, by the way. She still took a hammer to my self-esteem, but I can say that wasn’t her intent.
If I got a B, she made a comment as to how it wasn’t an A. Same when it was an A-. In fact, anything other than an A was equivalent to an F in her mind, so during my senior year, I gave up. I stopped trying because why should I bother? In addition, my brother had learning disabilities, so my mother was more focused on him. I was deeply depressed and just couldn’t see the point in trying.
The bottom line was that I learned a lot af terrible coping mechanisms that got me through my childhood, but did not serve me well later. I’ve worked on undoing them, but they run deep.
Side note to the side note: I’ve had to decide when to indulge my mother in her own dysfunctions and when to stand up to her. That’s part of unlearning the dysfuction. So has been realizing that it’s ok to not be immediately great at something. That’s been harder for me to embrace, though.
I’m used to being good at shit. That’s not a humblebrag–that’s just a straight-out brag. Plus, it’s true. As I said, it’s pretty great to be able to pick things up without breaking a sweat. But, there is a downside. That is that I hesitate to do things I’m bad at because I have to actually work at it.
The first time I tried to play badminton, I sucked at it. I tried to play it as if it were tennis, which was exactly the wrong way to attempt to play it. Tennis is about bashing and hitting hard. It’s about strategic placement and going for the angles. Badminton, on the other hand, is about lightly bopping the birdie and not using all your strength.
I hated it. It made me feel clumsy and foolish. I gave up fairly quickly and never tried it again. That was three decades ago and I have not played it again. I would like to try because it’s more in line with Taiji, and I think I would be better at it now. More to the point, I no longer assume I’m going to be good at something.
In all seriousness, playing FromSoft games has been instrumental in getting me to move past the ‘I’m a wunderkind at everything’ mentality.
When I started, I was so bad at the games. Just terrible. I plodded my way through the Undead Burg (after stumbling into the Catacombs), and I was being killed at every turn. It was the real hardcore action-adventure game I’d played, and I had no idea what I was doing.
I was miserable as I played it, but for some reason, I had to keep going. It was partly my pride, but it was also because something about the game just kept me riveted. Yes, it was hard as nails, but it was also that you had to be thoughtful in how you fought.
I figured out quickly that I couldn’t just mash buttons (though that didn’t stop me some of the time). You had to plan your attacks and react to what the enemy/boss was doing. Most of it wasn’t easy at all, and I was getting worn down, enemy by enemy.
Then I reached the Bell Gargoyles. This is the first hard check in the game. The third boss, but the first one that says whether you’re legit or not. According to the community. See, here’s the thing about the Bell Gargs. You start with one of them, and as you painfully whittle him down, you’re thinking, “Damn. This is hard. But maybe?” Then when he gets to half-health, another comes to life and starts sauntering towards you. She has half-health to begin with and no tail. The tail is a big factor in this fight as the first one will whip you mercilessly with it. You can cut it off and get a weapon for it.
The second one will cover you with fire as the first one attacks you. This is the first of the two-boss boss fights, and it’s quite the intro.
I fought them over and over again, sometimes with Solaire and sometimes without. I could not beat them, and I was feeling more and more hopeless. Part of the issue was that I knew nothing about the game and went in with my pitiful BattleAxe +2 or +?3. I had my one Pyro, yes, but they were not weak to Pyro. The Bell Gargs, I mean.
I remember this moment with startling clarity. I had one Humanity left, and I was so tired. I had nothing inside of me, so, yes, I was basically Hollow. I decided that I would summon Solaire one last time and if I couldn’t do it, well, then, my Dark Souls journey was over. I felt completely calm as I went through the fog gate one more time with Solaire right behind me. I fully expected to lose, and I was at peace with it.
I won. Of course I did. I wouldn’t still be talking about the games if that weren’t the case. I beat the Bell Gargs with the help of the first SunBro, and I went on with the game.
The second definitive moment was when I faced the Gaping Dragon. I was even more tired of the game than ever before, but I still couldn’t quit it. I was fighting this boss, plinking away. I’m sure my Battle Axe was severely undertuned. It probably wasn’t past +5. The Gaping Dragon has a shit-ton of health, and I felt I was slogging away at it forever. He’s not that tough in and of himself, but he’s tedious. I kept chunking away at him until he had a sliver of health left., Then, I took a step back and–
Fell into nothing. There’s an abyss in the arena, and I died. I was so enraged, I threw the controller and instantly quit. I did not pick up the game again for another year.
When I went back, and it was because the second game was coming out or I wanted to play the second game or whatever. I started over and made it back to the Gaping Dragon. This time, I dismissed it with little care, and when I was done, I took a victory jog around the room to see where they abyss was. I was getting nervous because I could not find it. Did I just dream that I fell down the abyss? Waaaaaay at the end of the arena was the pit I had fallen into. I could not believe I had found myself that far back.
This game taught me a lot about myself. It taught me perseverance and stick-to-it-ness. But it also taught me to take breaks when needed and not be too hard on myself when I fucked things up. Those were good lessons to learn, and they’ve served me well in my FromSoft journeys.