So I’v ebeen prattling on and on about being a weirdo. It’s something I think about because I have never been a normie. Even before I realized that I waws outside the norm, I knew I wasn’t like everyone else. When I was a kid, that just made me miserable and lonely. And I felt as if there was something wrong with me. It was only when I hit my…thirties that I realized how much of a freak I was.
In my early twenties, I started to see that being Asian, a woman, and bisexual, were all minorities. Put them all together, and it was one giant minority. I went to my first queer Asian women conference when I was twenty-two or twenty-three, and it was an eye-opener. I felt like I fit in for the first time, but even then, I knew I was still on the fringe. Yes, it’s possible to both fit in and be on the fringe.
Here’s the thing. We were playing the fun game of putting everyone on the femme/butch spectrum. Look. It was the nineties. It was a different time. When they got to me, the person who was doing the labeling paused for a long time and said that they could not put me on the spectrum. I was very pleased with this because that’s how I felt about myself. I wasn’t adrogynous because I embraced both the femme and the butch rather than eschew them both.
At the time, I had hair past my shoulders, big boobs, and wide hips. I look feminine even though I did not wear makeup and was not at all into fashion. On the butch side, I had a deep voice and a no-nonsense attitude. My hobbies leaned more masculine, and I hod no interest in typically feminine things. I was not a soft butch, either, that meant touches of femininity that I had no interest in.
I think it’s really difficult to talk about this because I don’t want to be dismissive of feminine hobbies and habits, but they don’t interest me at all. And I don’t think I should be penalized for that, either. Like, me saying I don’t wear a bra should not be something that women take issue with, but from the reactions I’ve seen in Ask A Manager forums, well, that’s naive of me.
I have known since my early twenties that I did not want to have kids. At all. Like, with prejudice. The idea of having them was repugnant to me, though I would not say that to anyone, obviously. Not people having children in general, but me in particular having children. It’s not a pregnancy thing, though that’s also something that I would not want to do. It’s the idea of actually having children that repulsed me. Again, for me.
When I was in my mid-to-late twenties, I had many women asking me if I was going to have children. Keep in mind that it was never a subject I brought up. Why would I? I didn’t want them, so there was no reason for me to bring it up. I thought that if I just simply said I didn’t want to have kidswhen they asked, it wouldn’t be a big deal.
I was naive and I was stupid. So many women took offense at my answer, even though as I said, I never brought up the subject. I only answered when asked, and I shouldn’t havve done that.
My point is that I read this post on Ask A Manager today, specifically the first question, and I was reminded again that I was so completely a freak. Most of the people resonding said some variation of it’s a good thing or at least a neutral thing. It seems like such a little thing. Name one positive thing about your personal life and your professional life at the start of a meeting.
There were the people who said this was a positive thing, citing studies that say that positivity is catching. Or some shit like this. Or that positive people live longer. Again, or some shit like that. I can cite nameless studies, too–especially the ones that say while positive people might be happier, pessimists are actually more perceptive and correct about the world. This is true, by the way. I can state it decisevely without any links because apparently, this is the way you argue on the internet.
Another common argument was that it was meaningless. Just spout something like, “Oh, that was a really good cup of coffee this morning” and move on with your day. I could probably do this, but why? It’s pointless. They said it’s a way to get to know your coworkers, but do you really get to know your coworkers with these kinds of platitudes? It can’t be both meaningful and banal at the same time. It seems useless to me and a waste of time. If no one is putting even an ounce of thought into it, then why bother?
Someone mentioned that they were given a question to think about before the meeting, like what kind of cheese would you be and then talked about it in the meeting. Somehow, this is a bonding experience? I don’t see how. In addition, I am lactose-intolerant, and I would not be any cheese. I don’t think I need to disclose this to my coworkers.
This is my issue with these kinds of things. Everyone is saying that they are not meant to be deep and that you can just offer any little thing. If that’s the case, then why do it in the first place? Why waste everyone’s time? I am skeptical that listening to a bunch of people say, “I saw a nice sunrise” really does make a positive impact on coworker bonds. People were saying it helps make your colleagues seem like real people. Really? Knowing that someone had a really good cup of coffee makes you feel better about them?
I’m not against social niceties, but I don’t think they can be forced. It’s like the other questions in which managers get the causality and directionality of good coworker relationships and team bonding activities. Alison(of Ask A Manager) has said in the past that you can’t make people have good relationships with their coworkers through things like this if the foundation isn’t already there.
A few people pointed out that these kind of interactions can also be hard on people who are neurodiverse, but they were quickly brbushed aside, overlooked, or dismissed. Again, this is how it is with disabilities–people don’t want to admit that it’s truly an issue and that they might actually have to do something differently to accommodate it. I’m not even talking about official accommodations, but just things that are nice to do to help out a colleague.
On a practical level, I think if you’re allowed not to go too deep or to be passed over completely, this is not a hill to die on, especially in the situation the letter writer describes. But it would sure bug the hell out of me, either way.