I have mourned my entire life for the loss of a sense of family. Or rather, since I realized that my family was so fucked up. It started when I was in my twenties, but I was more intent on fighting against it back then. I was angry as fuck, and I didn’t know how to properly express it. Everything up to that point was a lie or told with such spin, it migcht as well be a lie. I was extremely angry at God (with a G) in my twenties, in part because of those lies. And by extension, at my parents, though that was not safe to voice.
Yesterday, I talked about the consequences of a lifetime of family dysfunction, and I want to explore it further today.
I feel like we all have definitive moments in which we can decide to change the way we are–or not. I hasten to add that most people don’t grab those moments by the horn–me included. It’s a fact of life that it takes a lot to consciously make a change. And, more importantly, to keep it up. I made the choice to try out Taiji over twenty years ago. My first teacher was a horror show, and I gave up after close to a year. I didn’t try again for several years. When I did, I hated it at first (as I did during my first try at it0. Why did I stick it out? Because I’m stubborn and because I needed something to back up my swagger.
Another time was when I moved to the East Bay to attend grad school for a year. That was a bad decision in retrospect, but at least I got something out of it. Would I have done it if I had the chance to make the choice over again? No. Life doesn’t work that way, though.
Side note: My brother has said more than once that he had no regrets–meaning he would not change anything about his life. I get the reason why (it’s made him who he is and he’s where he is today because of it), but I could not disagree more. I have so many regrets about my life, and I would have changed them in a heartbeat.
My parents, though, have not changed hardly at all in all the time I’ve known them. Well, not in a positive way, anyway. If anything, they are more conservative now than ever, and they are acting as if they were in the 1970s. It does not surprise me, but it makes me cringe. Fortunately, I do not have to be around them in public because I would just not deal with it well.
I mentioned that I had to basiaclly think of them as not my parents in order to feel compassion for them. If I think of them as my parents, then I have to grapple with the dysfunction in the family. I don’t want to do that. I’m tired. Frankly, at this point, I just want to survive my relationship with them. Every time I talk to them, there is a tightening in my chest and my depression hits me. I numb out and Ibrace myself before picking up the phone. I say the minimum I can to move the converastion along, and I don’t say anything of importance.
When I’m speaking to my mother, I feel as if we are having two parallel monologues. Or rather, my mother dumping her emotions on me and me just…taking it. That’s how it’s been since I was eleven. My mother has decided that I was her therapist and just dumps all her shit on me. Now, she apologizes for it and says she shouldn’t do it, but then continues to do it. In fact, the last time she was here, she said that almost every day for a week. I finally snapped and said, “You’re going to keep doing it. Stop saying you shouldn’t!” It actually irritated me more when she apologized because she acted as if apologizing was good enough in and of itself.
It’s not. Part of apologizing is making the resolution to do better. Otherwise, it’s just empty words that don’t need to be said. In addition, merely apologizing is more for the apologizer than the apologizee. It’s a soothing balm to her conscience, and it’s very on-brand for some Christians. “I apologized, so you gotta forgive me and not mention it again.”
Nope. Even in Christianity, tthat’s not the end of the interaction. After apologizing, there has to be true repentance. That’s what’s missing, and I know my mother will never ever stop using me as her emotional support person. She has said more than once that I am all she has, and she has shot down every other suggestion.
I know that she’s making it so I am the only one. “I can’t tell my friends because that would make Dad lose face.” “I can’t find a therapist because I know everyone professionally in Taiwan, and the time differenc with America makes it too hard to find someone there.” When I suggsted online therapy, she dismissed that out of hand because she does not like doing things online. At all. Her family members are too busy or aren’t talking to her for whatever reason. Yes, each is probably a valid reason in and of itself, but she doesn’t go beyond that. She doesn’t even try to think of a way to get around that.
This is the most frustrating thing. She uses all those reasons as excuses just to dump on me. I know that one of the reasons she wanted a daughter was so that she could have an emotional support person (not her term, but mine). I know she’s not going to change. She’s 82 years old and extremely set in her dysfuncitonal ways. She has so many reasons for why she is the way she is–and she acts as if it’s inevitable. Like, she can’t see how she might actually be able to make different choices. That’s the hardest part for me because I will periodically suggest solutions to her, and she will immediately shoot me down.
It’s the way of life. I should know better by now. I really should.