If I could live in the ideal world when it comes to gender, I would not mind being a woman. I would be ok with being called ‘she/her’, and I would accept it as an incidental part of me. I would shrug and say, “Yeah, I’m a woman,” without it being fraught with so many hidden (and overt) messages. It would be an interesting tidbit without it having any deep meaning because that’s how I view my gender.
Even when I considered myself a woman, it wasn’t that big a deal to me. Not in a ‘I wish I weren’t one’ way, but in a ‘I don’t really think about it’ way. Of course, that’s not possible on a daily basis with how deeply sexist/gender-hyperaware this society is, but if I was left to my own devices, I would shove it in the smallest corner of my mind and go on with my life.
In yesterday’s post, I ruminated about how identity is not stagnant, and I have no isuse with mine changing over time. It’s hard in this society, though, because people are wedded to the static idea of who a person is. You see it in the celebrity world all the time. If someone declares something about themsleves, say that they are gay–then that is what they are forever and ever. And forget about being bi.
Cynthia Nixon got in some hot water a decade-and-a-half ago when she said that she chose to be in a gay relationship. She later clarified by saying she was bisexual by birth, but she had chosen to be with (and eventually marry when she could) another woman.
That’s how I feel about being bisexual, too. Yes, I was born into that, but it would be my choice who to date. The difference is that I’m aromantic and don’t really feel the need to be in a romantic relationship. Nor limit myself to just one. Which I don’t talk about, either, because it’s not really relevant to my life right now.
I felt empathy for Cynthia Nixon when she got shit for what she was saying, but I rejoiced when she elaborated by saying that she had chosen to be in a gay relationship, and why shouldn’t that be celebrated? I’m paraphrasing, obviously, but it’s how I feel as well. I get that back then, we did not want straight people to have any weapon to use against us, but I think it’s a folly to be so concerned about being acceptable that you cede too much territory.
It’s like when women agonize about the perfect way to turn a man down (valid). They twist themselves into a know because they don’t want to offend the man. The reason for this is because men can react in unexpected nasty ways if you turn them down when they ask you out. And, I would never suggest that women should not think about it at all, but at the end of the day, you can only do so much. If a man is going to show his entire ass in response to being rejected, there’s not much you can do about it.
I have a hard time internalizing that because I had it hammered in my head that my sole reason for existence was to pleae. Men specifically, but also my mother. It was strange because I was her emotional support person, but she also had the firm belief that a woman’s place was serving any man within a hundred feet.
It resulted in me being unusually firm when I did manage to state an opinion because I was used to being talked over.
The reason I have chosen agender as my, ah, gender identity for lack of a better term is because I want to think about gender as little as possible–it’s the one that seems to allow me to do this. Man–I’m not one. Woman–too fraught. Nonbinary–still a gender, and I don’t feel an affinity for it at all. I do think if I was twenty years younger, I probably would have chosen nonbinary as the least non-me option, though.
Genderfluid is a misnomer for me. I don’t feel like my gender is fluid at all. It is what it is, but it’s just not any recognizable gender. I like genderqueer, but it’s come to mean nonbinary, sadly. Also, I don’t thin my gender is queer–it’s more not there. I just like the word queer, and it’s what I use to describe myself because I am all kinds of queer.
Agender is, by default, the best of the worst. This is how I feel about most of my labels, by the way. It’s just the best it can be, but it’s not exactly right. Especially bisexual/bi. I haven’t liked it in ages, but I find the alternatives more off-putting. Pansexual is too pretentious for me, and omnisexual just doesn’t sit well. I find it ridiculous, to be honest. I rationalize bisexual by saying it’s my gender and any other gender (for the ‘bi’) part, but it never really sat well with me. I would like to just say I’m sexual, but that’s way too easily misconstrued.
I would like to just not have labels, but I know that’s not realistic. In a society that lives on labels, to go completely without is a pipe dream. If that’s not a possibility, then I would like for gender to not be such a focus or a weapon with which people can be cudgeled. I honestly don’t understand why some people get so upset when their idea of rigid gender roles is challenged.
No, wait. That’s not true. I understand it on an intellectual level, but not emotionally. I don’t really get why it’s so important to people–ok, yes. I know it’s the shakiness of their own positions and the fact that highly dogmatic people can’t tolerate dissent. But I don’t understand why it matters to them if it has nothing to do with them. Really. If someone is a woman, man, nonbinary, agender, or anything else, how does it affect an outside person?
Again, I know something something societal norms mumble mumble society will collapse if we aren’t all cookie-cutter clones of each other, but I really don’t get it. This has been something I’ve mused about for decades and have not been able to get it on a cellular level. Why do some people have such a need to stomp other people into obedience? Whatever happened to live and let live? I mean, as long as it doesn’t hurt them personally, who cares?
I will write more about this tomorrow.