So, I nattered on and on about this and that in yesterday’s post. My point is, though, that being an ally is more than waving a rainbow flag during Pride weekend. It’s much more than saying, “I like Chinese food. It’s so delicious.” It’s not about showing that you are a good person because you’re not a bigot against the targeted minority. I don’t mean to be rude, but that is the bottom line.
Rule number one about being a good ally is that you don’t talk about being a good ally. I have found that men who liked to talk about what feminists they were…usually weren’t feminists at all. Because, you see, you don’t have to talk about it if you act like one. Actions, do, indeed, speak louder than words.
Additionally, if you keep saying you’re something or the other, you really aren’t. Like nice guys saying they’re nice. They usually aren’t, or they are only doing the basics that everyone should be doing. The fact that they considered it remarkable was a red flag. It’s being nice with a purpose in mind–which is getting laid. They keep a tally of what they have done that they consider ‘nice’ and then are resentful not to get any recognition for it.
Here’s the thing. Much of what they want credit for is basic human respect. Being kind to others? Why woud you not be? You don’t get cookies for that. Or credit. Not yelling at a woman is basic. Treating her like an equal? Yeah, that’s bottomline what I expect these days. Not that you’re going to get it all the time, but it’s like Captain Awkward when she says that there are million of guys like that. Find yourself one.
There was a letter to Ask A Manager that she recently reran because of the holiday. It was from a person who recently graduated from college. They wanted to write on their resume how going to college was like working a job. Which, uh, no. Alison laid out clearly why they were misguided, and one point she made was that for a hiring manager, this would not be impressive because they had probably gone to college as had all the candidates (as it was a requirement). It was assumed anyone applying for the job would have gone to college, so highlighting it in this fashion would make the Letter Writer seem completely out of touch.
It’s the same when someone says he’s a nice guy in the dating realm. That’s such a baseline, it’s not even worth mentioning. The fact that a guy would highlight it means he’s extra in his approach to dating. He expects approval and commendation for every littli thing–which I do not want in a relationship. Again, I am all about being appreciative for the people in my life, but when it’s elicited and cajoled from me, then it doesn’t mean as much.
My mother doesn’t understand this. She’s constantly hungry for…not approval, necessarily, but for people to do what she wants. Otherwise, you don’t love her. My brother and I have figured out that we need to give in just enough on the smaller things so that we can say no on the bigger things.
It’s a sad fact that both my brother and I merely tolerate talking to her. I’ll speak for myself.
I grit my teeth any time she calls and get through it as fast as I can. She needs too much, and there’s nothing I can do to fill the hole inside her.
This is what a bad ally does. They want to be told endlessly that they are a good ally. They want the props for doing the bare minimum, and then they get offended when they are not showered with praise. I saw someone with a straight face in the RKG Discord repeat the canard that poor JKR is just so misunderstood and it’s not surprising that she became transphobic when trans people were so meaaaaaaan to her. What she said wasn’t that bad, and she was just trying to say in her inarticulate way–no. Stop. Someone who truly wants to do the right thing, will listen when they’re being criticized about how they speak about an issue. I’m not saying she automatically had to say that everything she ever thought was wrong, but becoming a raging transphobe was not an acceptable way to deal with the disagreement.
In addition, I hate the tone police. When marriage equality was being debated in America (which grinds my axe in and of itself because someone’s basic civil rights should not be up for a vote), the homophobes tried to insist that we needed to discuss it civilly.
No. This is how bigotry is allowed to thrive. By couching it in terms of civilized debate. Reasonable people can agree to disagree and all that nonsense. It pits the two sides as being equally valid, which is just not true. Sometimes, one side is objectively wrong. “Love the sin and hate the sinner” doesn’t even work as a concept because in this case, the ‘sin’ is an integral part of the ‘sinner’. It’s not an act the person is doing or something that can be separated. You cannot say you love someone, but hate their gayness. You just cannot.
During that time, there was a gay bar in…I want to say Arizona, but I’m not sure. It’s somewhere in that area (Arizona, New Mexico, etc.) that refused to allow straight wonmen to have their bacholerette parties in the bar during the push for marriage equality. They said, “We love our straight sisters, but it hurts to have you here when we cannot have the same rights you do”. Straight people were mad, but I thought we should have done more of this. As Margaret CHo said (in talking about how many queer people there are in the bridal industry), “If we can’t get married, YOU can’t get married.”
I mentioned this when people in the RKG Discord were saying how ‘cancel culture’ blah, blah, blah. I pointed out that cancel culture really wasn’t a thing. And, even if it were, it’s what capitalism is based upon. If something makes money, it’s allowed to continue. If it doesn’t, it folds. But as to JKR herself, she was doing just fine.
It really deflated me how many people wanted to argue on the side of either she was just misunderstood (she is friends with raging transphobes and boosted them on social media) or that somehow, both sides were acting awfully on social media, therefore….profit???? I’m not even sure what the logic in the latter was. But, again, let’s not pretend both sides are equal and balanced. Trans people, especially trans people of color are incredibly vulnerable in our society (and Britain even more so), and JKR’s army aren’t making it any easier.
Here’s the thing. And this was what I ended my comment with. Play the game or don’t. I honestly am not going to hate on someone for playing it. But. I’m not going to give them absolution, either. I’m not going to consider them an ally if they can’t do something as simple as not shell out money for a bigoted franchise.
Someone in the Discord said that the trans woman had a bias about it because, well, trans. And, yes, that’s true, but I would phrase it more as something that personally affects you is obviously going to matter more to you than to people who are not affected. That doesn’t mean the trans woman has less right to comment on the topic. That’s the part that frustrates the fuck out of me. Someone who has to deal with the ism on a daily basis is MORE qualified to talk about it than someone who doesn’t. Someone not having to go through it isn’t less biased–they are just biased in a different way. But that’s seem as ‘normal’ because it’s the default status.
All of this seems so obvious to me, but I guess it’s not considering how many people look at me as if I’ve spoken an alien language when I say anything in this vein.