Tag: ally | A Banana Peeled

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An ally is more than not doing harm

Posted on February 22, 2023 by Minna Hong • 0 Comments

So, I nattered on and on about this and that in yesterday’s post. My point is, though, that being an ally is more than waving a rainbow flag during Pride weekend. It’s much more than saying, “I like Chinese food. It’s so delicious.” It’s not about showing that you are a good person because you’re not a bigot against the targeted minority. I don’t mean to be rude, but that is the bottom line.

Rule number one about being a good ally is that you don’t talk about being a good ally. I have found that men who liked to talk about what feminists they were…usually weren’t feminists at all. Because, you see, you don’t have to talk about it if you act like one. Actions, do, indeed, speak louder than words.

Additionally, if you keep saying you’re something or the other, you really aren’t. Like nice guys saying they’re nice. They usually aren’t, or they are only doing the basics that everyone should be doing. The fact that they considered it remarkable was a red flag. It’s being nice with a purpose in mind–which is getting laid. They keep a tally of what they have done that they consider ‘nice’ and then are resentful not to get any recognition for it.

Here’s the thing. Much of what they want credit for is basic human respect. Being kind to others? Why woud you not be? You don’t get cookies for that. Or credit. Not yelling at a woman is basic. Treating her like an equal? Yeah, that’s bottomline what I expect these days. Not that you’re going to get it all the time, but it’s like Captain Awkward when she says that there are million of guys like that. Find yourself one.

There was a letter to Ask A Manager that she recently reran because of the holiday. It was from a person who recently graduated from college. They wanted to write on their resume how going to college was like working a job. Which, uh, no. Alison laid out clearly why they were misguided, and one point she made was that for a hiring manager, this would not be impressive because they had probably gone to college as had all the candidates (as it was a requirement). It was assumed anyone applying for the job would have gone to college, so highlighting it in this fashion would make the Letter Writer seem completely out of touch.

It’s the same when someone says he’s a nice guy in the dating realm. That’s such a baseline, it’s not even worth mentioning. The fact that a guy would highlight it means he’s extra in his approach to dating. He expects approval and commendation for every littli thing–which I do not want in a relationship. Again, I am all about being appreciative for the people in my life, but when it’s elicited and cajoled from me, then it doesn’t mean as much.

What actually is an ally

Posted on February 21, 2023 by Minna Hong • 0 Comments

I have observed a strange phenomenon that isn’t new exactly, but it’s more pronounced with social media. This is not a post about social media in general, though I will note that my use has drastically declined. I don’t look at Facebook at all, and I check in with Twitter maybe once a week for a quick second. I tweet roughly once every other week at the most.

This is very unusual for me as I used to be a heavy Twitter user. I just recently closed it out (I used to keep the tab open all the time on one set of tabs) because I never look at it. And, the only reason I keep a Facebook tab open is beacuse of messaging. I can’t remember the last time I actually checked the FB feed itself.

The strange phenomenon is that people want to be considered allies without actually doing the hard work associated with being allies. Again, I don’t think this is new in and of itself. The phrase ‘ally cookes’ (and various iterations thereof) has been around for way before social media became a thing.

Here’s the thing. Everyone wants validation. I have no problem giving it to a certain extent. If someone supports me, I AM appreciative. Especially if it is unbidden and the person doing it is not permative about it at all.

But. Real talk here. It’s exhausting not only to deal with all the isms in day-to-day life, but with allies who want their egos massaged for doing the right thing. Or reassurance that they are not a bad person for doing x, y, ro z. In a way, it’s a microaggression in and of itself because the ally is looking for the minority to make them feel better about themselves.

I was at a feminism as WoC meeting once at my college. It was a bunch of white women (because I live in a very white state) talking earnestly about racism. There were a few other WoC, but it was mostly white women talking about their thoughts on racism. This happens, by the way, when a social justice issue is discussed. Unless it has more people who are part of the minority, the majority dominates–as usual.

One of the white women said very earnestly that she longed to talk about real issues rather than boys and fashion and makeup all the time. She was saying how she got tired of being superficial with her friends. This was her reasoning for attending events for minorities, which wasn’t terrible in and of itself. However, I said that I spent all my life dealing with these isms and sometimes I just wanted to talk about boys and fashion! Well, not those two specific topics, but fluffy stuff in general. Cats and plushies, for example. Mystery novels.