Several years ago, Ian and I had a pizza with sauerkraut, sour cream, and German sausage. I’m sure there was more on it, but that’s what I remember. It was thick crust and gooey with melted cheese. This was before I went gluten-free, dairy-free, obviously, but it was still a lot for my poor system. Even popping a Lactaid couldn’t completely mitigate the damage, but it was worth it. It’s possibly the best pizza I’ve had in my life, and I think about it wistfully now and again.
It was an autumn special, probably around Oktoberfest. I think we had mozzarella sticks with it because in for a penny, in for a bloody pound. This is my nature–if I’m going to go at something, I’m going to go all-in. If I was going to be sick from eating the pizza, why not add mozz sticks on top? Wait. I think it’s garlic cheese bread we had, not mozzarella sticks. Much of the same, really. We stuffed ourselves past the point of satiation and still had plenty to bring home.
I think that was one of the last proper eat-out pizzas I’ve had. Real pizzas, I mean. I’m OK with being GF/DF for the most part because there are so many good substitutes. It’s not like twenty years ago, which is the last time I did this kind of thing. Back then, it was for bronchial issues. I gave up gluten, dairy, and sugar–and the substitutes were slim pickings. Most everything was made of arrowroot and tapioca pudding. The ‘bread’ was horrid and nearly inedible. Oh, and the dairy substitute was soy, which I don’t like. It was a sad and sorry time for me, but now, it’s easy to find GF/DF foods that tastes good.
Back then, it was also me sitting there gloomily trying to convince myself that Tofutti sour cream was a decent substitute for the real thing. When I was able to wrap my mind around the idea that they weren’t going to taste like what they purported to be, I actually had an easier time accepting them for what they were. It didn’t mean I liked them, but I didn’t rage over it, either.
Now, it’s an embarrassment of riches. There are plenty of good subs that taste as good if not better than the original. Bread, noodles, yogurt, ice cream, milk, and more. The one thing that I have yet to find, however, is a really good GF/DF pizza. I’m eating a Daiya one right now (“meat” lovers, I think). While it’s ok, it’s just not the real thing. The crust is thin and bland. The cheese is ok. Which is weird because Daiya’s fake cheese is one of the best in the biz. But in this case, it’s just not up for the job. Probably because it’s just mozz, which is not my fave, anyway, and a rather bland cheese. I put olives on it, which helps minimally.
The last time I went DF/GF/SF (sugar-free), I lasted four months before I started dreaming, literally, of pasta and pizza. Not at the same time, but it was very disconcerting, regardless. When I told my therapist about it, she told me to go ahead and eat some pasta and/or pizza. I did and never looked back.
Until five years ago when I realized that my Lactaid pills weren’t doing the trick any longer. And gluten was not sitting well with my stomach. Now, most people probably would cut down on one at a time, slowly decreasing the amount of intake. Ha! That’s not how I roll. If I do something, I’m all-in. I’m not saying this is a good thing, but it’s the way I do things. (Spoilers: it’s not a good thing.)
I cut out all gluten and all dairy in one fell swoop. And felt instantly better. I went to Malta a year later and decided to eat the pasta one night because how could I not? That was not a smart decision as I spent several hours in the bathroom. This happened again back home in which I mistakenly bought a box of regular elbow macaroni rather than the gluten-free version and ate a big bowl of it without realizing it. I spent the next six hours in the bathroom, on and off. It was miserable and reminded me why I stayed away from gluten and dairy.
I’m writing this a day after I started the post, which means I had the second half of the Daiya pizza. I heated it up in the microwave and it tasted much better than last night. I did pour on medium avocado salsa, which boosted the taste significantly. In addition, the crust was softer than it was yesterday–which is my preference. I like a soft crust that still has a little, ahem, bite.
I’ve had to cut down/out other things since. Cauliflower, onion, and garlic, to be specific. I can’t have the first at all. I found out the really hard way by going to an Indian restaurant with my BFF when I visited her in Philly. I had an amazing cauliflower dish and then when we got home, I was in the bathroom for an hour. I thought it might have been cross-contamination, so I tried cauliflower when I got home. Same results. As for onion and garlic, I can have small amounts, but not anything approaching a serving size.
I discovered garlic and onion by doing FODMAP. It was slow and agonizing, and I didn’t really finish it when the pandemic hit. Why? Because, understandably, I was distracted. but I have not had an issue except that one time when I bought the wrong elbow macaroni.
Joking on Twitter about eating real pizza was funny, but it’s simply not worth it. I do not want to sit for six hours or longer in the toilet for a half hour of gustatory delight. I am also craving dumplings–I want to go to a dim sum. Man, that was the best. Dim sum, I mean. Having a dozen or two trolleys being pushed around with steaming baskets of all kinds of dumplings and such. I especially miss the shiu mai because that’s my absolute favorite.
I can find gluten-free dumplings, but they are very expensive and not many per box. I get them now and again as a treat and make it last three days. But I would love to have a platter filled with different kinds of dumplings. I haven’t found other GF dumplings, which means I probably would have to make them myself–with rice flour.
I have been craving real pizza for a week. Maybe I can find a way to make a satisfactory substitute. Cubs (local grocery store) has a GF crust (hopefully not made from cauliflower) and I can probably use spaghetti sauce as the base. There is vegan ‘cheese’ and I do still eat meat. This might be something I do the next time I go to the grocery store.