I’m hyped to be on my own again. It’s the way life was meant to be lived. And yet….
I’m nervous. I’ll admit it here. My system worked (calling the cops when I felt faint and Ian contacting my brother when he, Ian, hadn’t heard from me the next day). My brother found me and everything marched ahead accordingly. But, there was a healthy element of luck in there that I called 911 before fainting. Had I waited two seconds longer, I probably wouldn’t have been able to make the call.
For a while, my mother was obsessed with figuring out how I got the pneumonia. I’m sure in her mind she was thinking if we could pinpoint what gave me pneumonia, then I could avoid it. As I pointed out to her, however, we could guess until the end of time and not be entirely sure what caused the pneumonia.
I finally had to tell her that she can’t wrap me in bubble wrap for the rest of my life. I was going to die at some point because that’s what we’re all going to do. She got an unhappy look on her face and I knew that she wanted to disagree, but she could not. She did say that we could be careful and not be too risky. Which, yes, it’s true. I pointed out that I don’t do risky things. Before I ended up in the hospital, I was especially careful as we were in a pandemic. Granted, I opened up a little bit after getting both vaxxes, but that meant I went to Cubs twice and went to get lunch to go with my brother.
Yes, my brother had Coronavirus and didn’t tell me until after he’d seen me, but I got tested and did not have it. Plus, I had non-COVID-related pneumonia, so that wasn’t the problem, anyway. I have bronchial issues and have had all my life. I get bronchitis like once a year (though, ironically, not during the pandemic) and it lasts for months at a time.
My mom was really annoying me by suggesting that being out in the cold caused the pneumonia (which I’m sure stemmed from my father as that’s one of his beliefs. He told me he believed that the cold open the pores and made it easier for germs to enter the body. Which, I mean….This is something that has actual science behind it and he has it exactly backwards. Heat opens your pores which is why it’s recommended you take a shower when your nose is plugged or use a Neti pot with hot water. When I told my father this, he got that hateful mulish look on his face and repeated that it was just his belief. Which was wrong. Putting that aside, that’s not how germs work! Sigh.). Even if she were right, I did not take morning walks before I landed in the hospital so that wasn’t how I got pneumonia in the first place. I told her somewhat snarkily that I only started taking a morning walk after I got out of the hospital and I didn’t do anything other than go to the pharmacy once a month before the hospital. In my car.
It’s been frustrating because facts don’t matter at all to my father and to a lesser extent, my mother, either. I know we all have our areas in which we cling to misbeliefs. In my case, however, I will think about the contrary evidence even if I denounce it upfront, and I may later change my mind. But my parents? No. What’s even more frustrating about my mother is that she will ask for advice and then reject it out of hand. I know this. She’s been that way since I was a kid and has only gotten worse the older she gets.
Anyway, there is a small part of me wondering what life will be like when I am alone again (hopefully!). I’m sure it won’t be that different in the day-to-day, but will the vibe be different? Will I drift back to my late-night self or stay an early morning person? Will Shadow be sad to only have one person again? I hope not. I don’t think he will as I’m the food giver again, but who knows with cats? Will my mother call more often? I’m gonna say yes, especially in the first two weeks when they’re quarantined in the hotel. But also because she’s a mother and a worrier. And a control freak. I need my brother to set up the two buttons that will contact him and Ian when pressed as well as help me set up the daily email to my parents.
I don’t think it’s naive to say that it won’t be that different. I’m not a wild person in general. I’m not going to go out and party until three in the morning. I’m not going to drink until I pass out–I don’t drink at all, actually. I don’t like alcohol and I’m allergic to it. It’s basically me chilling in front of my computer for most of the day. I hope to keep the morning walk, but I know how I am. I’ll skip doing it one day and the next thing I know, it’s a month later.
That’s not fair to me. Once I get into a groove, I get in the groove. Take my daily Taiji routine. I dragged my feet on practicing at home. That’s why I added a second class because I couldn’t make myself practice. I made myself do five minutes of warm-ups. That was all I could do and even that was begrudging. Then I discovered weapons (by my teacher literally placing a wooden sword into my hand and telling me just to hold it) and I was all about the practice.
Actually, that’s not true. Even when I discovered the thrill of weapons, I still wasn’t that much into practicing. Yes, I practiced the sword because I wanted to learn it as quickly as possible, but it still was doing it once or twice a day and that was it. It was the pandemic that made me really fall in love with the weapons. I don’t know why as my life didn’t change all that much when the pandemic hit. I didn’t go outside very much, anyway. Taiji classes became Zoom Taiji classes and I ordered my food online. Which I might resume doing once my parents go back to Taiwan. But I felt the panic that everyone else felt, of course, and getting into the weapons is what saved my sanity.
My teacher’s teacher has a bunch of videos online of him doing different weapons. Before the pandemic, my teacher started teaching me the Double Saber Form. I instantly fell in love. I’ve said that my sword is my first love. The childhood sweetheart that always holds a special place in my heart. It’s what got me into weapons in the first place! Of course it’s going to be special to me. But the second I saw the Double Saber Form, I felt an affinity I couldn’t explain. I started with two escrima sticks rather than sabers, but I could not wait to get my hands on the real thing.
Once I did, I knew that was what I was meant to be doing. They felt so natural in my hands and twirling them around gave me an exhilaration like no other. My teacher taught me roughly half the form before the pandemic hit. Then, all I wanted to do was learn the rest of it. Her giving me a private lesson once every other week for an hour was not enough. I turned to her teacher’s video on the Double Saber Form and taught myself the rest of it. After asking my teacher if it was ok, of course. She was fine with it, which is one of her strengths. She doesn’t care how you learn something as long as it’s sound.
I taught myself the rest of the Double Sabers Form with the help of my teacher’s teacher’s video. I thought it would be difficult, but it wasn’t. I felt like I had done it all my life and it was as natural as breathing. It didn’t take me very long to finish teaching myself and I was stoked!
Now, I am back to having a private lesson every other week. We’re working on the Cane Form, which has no names for the postures/movements. We just finished the second out of four rows, which means I’m halfway done. We had started the spear/staff before I went into the hospital and I am hoping to pick that up again in a few weeks or maybe a month.
I’m ready to get back to living alone. Despite my nerves, it’s what I want most. Hopefully, it’ll happen in less than a week.